The material presented
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''So I guess what I am saying is take this time for you. Focus on yourself, commit to your own recovery. Let his be his, it will all play out in time. When I realized that my husbands behavior did not change whether he was drinking or not, without a program in AA, I also realized that my own behaviors would not change, with or with the alcoholic in my life, without a program of my own. The alcohol and the alcoholics in our lives are are secondary to the behaviors and thinking that brought us here. Without programs, the Merry-go-round continues. I want off, if my husband decides to stay on that is up to him. ''
I took this quote from Confused on another thread. Dear Confused you brought a bit clarity to me, regarding my current dilemma.
''The alcohol and the alcoholics in our lives are are secondary to the behaviors and thinking that brought us here.''
The above quote is where I'm at in my healing and it is causing a great deal of anguish right now. I realize... and am willing to own my part in the illness of my A relationship. Now that my A and I are divorcing and I've been working on myself.... When with my family I see the negative behaviors I'm carrying.... from what I learned growing up. My dilemma is my Mother has not been well, she was independent prior to her recent illness. My brothers and I have been staying with her in shifts 24/7. This situation has thrown us all in close quarters again for the first time in 30 years. I just quit.... the dynamics of the family were so similar to the dynamics with my A I thought I was going to lose my mind.I told my brothers and my Mom I did not feel I was strong enough right now to be in close quarters with the family. I have so much guilt about this right now. My one unhealthy brother reminds me so much of my A. He try's to push my buttons that he knows will hurt me. I do not have the tenacity right now not to react. Therefore I've made the choice to stay away. I love my Mom dearly and continue to talk to her daily on the phone. She has the resources to hire outside caregivers to relieve my brothers, however is a bit miserly and prefers not too.
I filed for divorce one mo ago. My A moved out 6 mo ago, he was moving in with another guy which turned out to be a gal. This is all relatively fresh. My family is sticking it's head in the sand. When your down or frustrated their response is ''well this is what you wanted''. Yes that is true... however it does not mean there is not pain.
Sorry to ramble. What struck me with Confused's quote was the discovery that many of my negative behaviors appear to be a pattern of my family as well. A pattern I'd like to break, and not repeat.
Now to get healthy and strong enough to not react to the button pushers in my life.
Any words of wisdom out there on how to handle the guilt I feel for my lack of strength to be around my family and cope with the dynamics of this situation?
Remember that if you aren't "healthy", in a good place, you really won't be able to take care of your mother. There will be so much tension and anxiety and anger everyone will be miserable. I know you are feeling guilty, but your mom does have the resources for help and you have not left her high and dry. You are talking to her, calling her, checking on her. You can do only what you can do. There is no reason to feel guilt about that!!!!
I don't have a magical way for those feelings to go away, just know that people here support you and wish you the best. Take care of you so then you can help others.
You can only do so much. I live with my mom and my 4 yr old daughter. My ex the A in my life took 1/2 of everything I owned and I was forced into a living situation that is difficult but financially necessary. 2 weeks ago my mom had a stroke. Now I am her primary caregiver along with my daughter. Don't get me wrong...I love my mom but she triggers all my stinking thinking. My immediate family all lives out of state and they try to manipulate me and my mother all the time. I also cannot be around many members of my famiy. My sister an A and her husband an A and an addict have invited themselves and their kids to our home for a week next April. I am thinking that would be a great time for me to take my daughter and leave for a vacation of my own! You have been through allot and only you can decide how much you can take. Me...I can only do so much. Her clothes are clean and she has food to eat. I take her to all her Dr appointments. But I am not hanging around for the rest...I just can't take the critisizing and the negative comments. I have to take care of me so I go up to my room and get on this site. Thanks for your post. It has helped me understand my own situation better.
I can relate to your situation also. I have been married 36 years,since I was a teenager to an A.Everyone in my family of origin are A's except my mother and me.I have one sister who is not drinking but she is dry drunk so she's got all the crazy behaviors.
I used to not have much contact with my family because they are all so crazy.Living with my A husband was enough.About 2 years ago my oldest active A sister fell down the steps at her apartment (she was drunk) and broke ribs and needed alot of help getting to the doctor,her mail,etc.My dry drunk sister and I and my elderly mom did all we could.It was stressfull.My younger sister did nothing and she lived the closest and could have done more.Less than a year after she fell my oldest sister died in her sleep.My mother,who was 89 at the time lost it.Her health went downhill,she was being rushed to the emergency room every other day then she needed transportation to doctor's,etc.Trying to work all this out with all the self centeredness in the family has been difficult.We didn't even have a chance to grieve.My sisters will tell my mom they are taking her to the doctor and then when the day comes they call and back out.I have been called at work to leave early to take mom to the hospital because my sister,who was home,backed out.If I confront my sisters they tell my mom and it just upsets her which I try to avoid.
Along with all this my husband has met someone online and we will be separating when our house is sold.He never has been much emotional support for me so,as always,I feel I am alone in taking care of things.I don't call my mother as much as I should.You should feel good that you are doing that.She is so negative she can bring me down.Of course she has been affected by my A father(they are divorced)and A children.I do feel guilty that I don't call her more.I try to go there every other weekend (it's an hour drive each way), unless I'm taking her to the doctor, but most of the time I really don't want to go.I feel guilty about that too.
I tell myself that when I am out of this marriage and my mother has passed away(she's 90) I will stay away from all alcoholics for awhile so I can heal.But you know how that goes.Another one will fall or try to commit suicide or some other crisis and I get pulled in because they are my family.This is why I need Alanon and this board.There is some real recovery here.
I'm sorry I could not offer any help on the guilt.It's a difficult thing to deal with.I have to remind myself that I am doing the best I can under the circumstances.You are too.
My only words of encouragement and advice would be as follows...
First, good for you, in wanting to 'break the cycle' - that is wonderful news, and you are well on your way....
As far as dealing with the lack of family support, etc., I would simply suggest that you try NOT to attempt to get emotional support from them right now, and choose to lean on your recovery support group, at least until you get stronger.... This may mean that you can still interact with your family, but just not use them for your emotional support or understanding - or it may mean that you need to distance yourself from unsafe people in your life, until you are ready to deal with them....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
First I'd like to Thank You All for your responses...sharing and your kind support during these trying days.
Hudsond so perceptive of you to understand the tension, anxiety and anger that comes with the territory and what a miserable situation this creates. My feelings were the tension was not conducive to my Mom getting well and stronger. It felt like in her best interest as well as mine I should physically remove myself for a bit. I appreciate the kind words of support.
Just Me , wow you have allot on your shoulders. I could really relate to the manipulation you spoke of. My difficult brother has been planting many negative seeds with my Mom as well. My family is very critical and negative. I'm trying to be Thankful. The entire situation could have been worse. Mom had L sided weakness, IT RESOLVED. When she fell she DID NOT break any bones. When she bled (GI) from the blood thinners it was a ruptured polyp. NO CANCER. When I make a tactful attempt to bring these positive things to light I'm shut down. I wonder sometimes if my family enjoys drama and misery. Best of luck with your Mother and dtr. wishing you happy independence in the future. God Bless you for being there for your Mom.... as trying as it can be some days.
diane33 I so feel like my most difficult brother is a dry drunk. He became angry when I accidently called him by my soon to be ex A's name. It slipped out , I can only think because his behavior and my buttons he was pushing brought out all the same emotions as my A. My family is very self centered as well. When I told my brothers my A and I were seperating and most likely divorcing. My one brother said '' You know this is hard on us , we have known (my A) long time too.'' I wanted to say for petes sake I'm your sister, I'm your blood.'' I understand everyone in the family is affected however.....Oh well there is a saying ''you can pick your friends but not your family''. I was the one that called my Mom 2 times everyday. Once to be sure she was up and about.... and again to see she made it to bed. My difficult brother lives 15 minutes from her. I'm.... an hr. away. She would maybe see him once every 2 to 3 mo. We saw each other weekly. I'm the one that spoke with her and realised she was having a neuro dilemma of some sort as her speech was impaired. I called a friend who lived 10 minutes away while I started driving down. My friend got there first. The doors were locked she called 911 and then called me as I was enroute. She told me your Mom is down on the kitchen floor alive and moving. I rode the the ER with her in the ambulance. I wonder if my brother that lives close is lashing out at me to ease his own guilt for not being more involved? I wish you strength Diane to deal with your circumstances. I too will be hoping for a healthier life and recognize when to walk away sooner rather then later. So true all we can do some days is the best we can and maybe not beat ourselves up.
canadianguy Tom Thank You! Your words of support mean allot. I'm trying to recognize the cycle and break it. Somedays it is the recognition that I'm a bit foggy about. You really hit the nail on the head with your suggestion of not looking to my family for emotional support. I believe I may have resentment and anger towards them for their lack of emotional support. They may not be capable of emotionally supporting me at this time or ever for that matter. It's like going to a dry well and expecting to find H2O there and getting angry at the well when it is not capable of giving H2O. Hmmmmmm good food for thought.
Again thanks for your sharing and support and taking the time to help me cope with this issue.
I just wanted to congratulate you on working your program. The fact that you recognized your inability to provide positively to the situation is a huge step in taking care of your self.
As others have said you cannot help anyone else until you are healthy, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
I applaud your strength in pulling away. My people pleasing would make this very difficult for me but seeing that you have done it gives me much to think about.
Thank you so much for sharing it will touch many many others in our fellowship and give them more hope.
For me the issue of caring for my mother as she was ailing was very very difficult. Dealing with my two sisters was very very difficult. At the same time (and my counsellor at the time did not agree with me) I am glad that I was involved on some level it brought me closure and a clarity about many of the issues I had been dealing with for a long long time. I also got to see how my family blurs, denies and muddys up boundaries.
I have had to let go of the "hallmark" view of family. My A's family were totally abandoning when he was sick. I was incredibly angry about that. I am also angry at him at times for the time and energy he gives to his family and his own enmeshment. I have to say I am also angry that his family take priority on all the holidays and on his birthday. On some level I re-created many many of the issues I had with my family of origin with him. I am grateful for being aware of some of them, envy and jealousy of my older sister being one issue that came really into the fore while I was with the A.
I know many many caregiver support groups deal with these issues a lot. I have been to some and find that helpful. Finding good support for oneself is always a tremendous challenge. I no longer give so much to any situaiton where I was once so unsupported that was a hard pattern to break but I feel I have broken it in recent years.
It's very hard to remove myself. It is in Mom's best interest as my feelings right now and frustration are not conducive to Mom getting well. I can only hope the negativity coming from my one brother and his manipulation will come to light. I am a firm believer in give someone enough rope and well... they will tie themselves up.
Maresie my brothers also are good at denial and manipulation.
I am guilty of these things as well. I try very hard to recognize it and own these behaviors. I'm sad that currently I have much anger to deal with. The dynamics that came into play within my A marriage are so apparent in my current situation dealing with my brothers and Mom. My A never apoligized for any negative behavior even when he could no longer deny wrongdoing.
It turns out my family is very similar. Talk about keeping all the power in a relationship. IE Mom accused me of taking a candy bar someone had brought her. I did not take her candy bar. I suggested we ask my brother if he knew where it was. She became defensive and said no he is diabetic you know he does not eat candy. Anyway he arrives to relieve me and I ask him do you know where Mom's candy bar is? She seems to think I took it. He said it had nuts in it and she can not eat nuts, she (Mom) told me to take it so I did. I asked him to please let Mom know where it went. She says to him oh I must have forgotton. No apology to me for being falsely accused. I suppose this is trivial. I've been put down and bashed for so long I'm getting angry and defensive. I do not like myself like this. Is there no happy medium?
I'm feeling numb again and paralyzed. Back on the Merry Go Round. However this time with my family. Some days I think will this ever get better. It is crazy enough to be dealing with the divorce and no emotional support from my family. Trying to work on becoming emotionaly healthy due to 28 years with my A. Now it feels like a double whammy being slapped with similar dynamics within my family. Today my strength is waning. I just want to stay in bed for days.
I am sorry for what you are going through -- and so apprecaite you having the courage to share it. My experience with my family of origin would lead me to agree with Tom, the Canadian guy. One of the things I've come to believe, is that, actually, I think I can choose my family -- but my choice may not be related by blood to me. I love my blood relations, all of my sibs. I also have come to accept that just because I want them to be there for me or whatever, does not mean they will. And the bottomline for me is that while I love them, I need to love myself enough to take care of me. And sometimes taking care of me includes not having my sibs as an active part of my life. So for me breaking the negative pattern, was setting clear boundaries with my sibs. I told the 2 main sibs that I loved them, but after going through the difficulties I had I had come to the point where I wanted to surround myself with people who would treat me in a caring, supportive and respectful manner. If people had some issue with me, I expected them to come directly to me and we would work it out, and if the communication pattern was triangulated by everybody talking to others rather than to me, then I would not take that communication seriously. If ever they wanted to treat me in a caring supportive way, I would welcome them in my life. And I was specific about the behaviours I'd experienced from each person that I was no longer willing to tolerate. And I was specific about the past experiences I'd had with them that I loved. It took me a few years in the program to be able to do that -- and at first I was pretty ineffective because I approached it from such a people pleasing manner. But the clearer I've been, one of my sibs is gradually starting to treat me better. I have some hope that he and I may have a decent relationship again. But the best thing is that I'm not waiting for it; I'm taking care of me and the new relationships in my life are getting much healthier than those of old. I am so grateful for this program, and all of the people in Al Anon.
''So I guess what I am saying is take this time for you. Focus on yourself, commit to your own recovery. Let his be his, it will all play out in time. When I realized that my husbands behavior did not change whether he was drinking or not, without a program in AA, I also realized that my own behaviors would not change, with or with the alcoholic in my life, without a program of my own. The alcohol and the alcoholics in our lives are are secondary to the behaviors and thinking that brought us here. Without programs, the Merry-go-round continues. I want off, if my husband decides to stay on that is up to him. ''