The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After almost 9 years relationship, and 5 years of marriage, he wants out. The alcohol is in control. Last year, in Jan. there was an incident where he was out of control, and flinging his arms around, and accidentally hit my nose and caused it to bleed. I became hysterical, filed charges, his mother was also involved in helping me file charges. We only did it, we told ourselves "to get him some help". I do believe it was an accident, but it should not have happened, and would not have had he not been drinking. Now, my MIL, is saying I made her go to police with me, and she had no part in it. Altho she does admit he needs help, but now everyone is acting like I was the bad guy and trying to just get him in trouble. He did not get help, just probation. Big deal!We were separated almost 4 months due to the restraining order. Looking back, it was all blown out of proportion and dramatized. Anyway, I know now that I cannot "make" him get help. Wish I'd known that sooner. Then just after Christmas, he was drunk and called my daughter up and yelled at her, and he wouldn't let her talk to me. She became very upset and called 911, well they sent the police, and he was arrested. Now he has to attend alcohol classes, and we can't afford the house pmt. and insurance and the classes which insurance will not cover. So, he wants out of the marriage. Emailed me last night said he talked to a lawyer and we can either do it the easy way or the hard way. We're buying the house on land contract, so if we move out, we get nothing. And we completely remodeled it inside, spent lots of time effort and $$$. Oh, it used to be our haven away from the world. Now, it's a place of sorrow. I don't want to stay here cos his best A friend lives right across the street. So, I'm trying to dismantle my life and move. I am in so much pain. I loved him so much. I hope they don't make me give my married name back, I love that name. I want to keep it the rest of my life. To me, that is who I am. I do not want a divorce. He left his ring laying, so I have it on a chain around my neck along with his baby ring. I hurt so much, I am so lonely. I miss my husband. I wish he didn't hate me. I really hate alcohol, it has taken so many things I loved from me. It killed my dad, too. Now, it's killed my marriage, and most likely will kill my husband.
I'm so sorry for your pain. Alcohol leaves us totally helpless against it. I used to wish it was another woman, at least I'd have something tangable to hate and scream at. I hope you can find a meeting in your area, it is the one thing that will save you. Please call 1-888-425-2666 to find one. Keep coming here too.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Oh Becky I too am so sorry for all your pain and heartache. It is an awful place in life to be. The crying, sadness, emotional roller coaster. One minute feeling sad the next maybe a bit angry, the anxiety of maybe being alone and the wondering if one can make ends meet. It is a very hard time in ones life.
It can get better. Nothing changes if nothing changes. For myself I spent 28 years in a very sorry situation. I kept hope it would change. It did change. I changed and for the better. Still changing everyday. My A he may be changing I do not know.
All that matters is he was not willing to own his part and work on it while in a relationship with me. We were no good to each other the way we were.
Please find a meeting surround yourself by folks that understand your pain and anguish. Folks that will quietly listen,accept and support you, not judge you.
First of all, you did nothing wrong by filing a report against him when he hit you. If alcohol had not been involved, it would not have happened, and he needs to see consequences for his actions. I know you are hurting so much right now, but hang in there. This is all him. This is the disease talking.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
Becky, don't blame yourself for filing the report when he hit you. It might have been blown out of proportion, but it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been drinking. It's actually good to have that kind of record in case things really got bad. His drinking has caused the problems with money, your marriage etc. It sounds like he is just using you as an excuse or a scapegoat. A's always seem to blame others for their mistakes and to justify their not getting help. If they're not ready to admit they have a problem, they will make everything look like someone else's fault. I'm so sorry to hear how sad you are and to hear how you miss your husband. With time, sadness can disappear and you can feel better. You never know what could happen; you could get back together if he sobers up or you could meet someone else who totally takes your mind off of him. For now, you could focus on yourself and your daughter. You'll get through it and find happiness again. Good luck.
I am so glad you reached out,and please know we are all here for you. I know exactly how you are feeling. My relationship ended this week too and I understand how vulnerable and sad you are feeling. I didn't discover this site until several months ago and wish I'd had the tools I have learned here a few years ago.I can't change the past. I can't change him. All I can change is me and the way I deal with things.It's taken me a long time to realise just how much I was enabling my A,and there was me thinking I was being loving and supportive??? I know better now. I hope you can get to some meetings and get some literature where you are? I don't have Alanon here in Turkey so I only have this site.I've "met" some truly inspiring people here and I know you will do the same. Take care of yourself ((becky)) and keep coming here. Slowly you will see things DO get better.
I can identify with your story. My A is sober but he moved out. Don't love you, never did, etc. We bought land hoping to build our dream house. All the plans have changed. More work for me. I think that A's just don't have good skills to solve their problems. And self esteem causes them to find blame with someone usually someone close to them. I am working on not taking it to my core. I still love my husband and he hasn't treated me very well. I miss the real him not the person he is now.
But we have to help ourselves. Alanon has such great tools. If you can go to f2f meetings they are such a great place to vent. And obviously many of us here share your pain. Keep coming back!
