The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling with the insanity that is such a big part of dealing with an alcoholic. I know I should let it go and not let it get to me, but it's driving me crazy.
Since my husband and I separated, he's been going to AA. Sounds like a good thing, right? Well, it is in theory, but when I talk to him, I wonder why he's going. He says it's a cult and the people there are just replacing the drinking with the group. He told me he can stop drinking on his own and he doesn't need AA and that he's not planning to quit altogether anyway. He's just going to control it. I asked him why he's going if he feels that way. He said he's just going to get his one month chip so that I'll let him back in the house.
I just don't know how to handle this. Wears me right out. It also makes me feel completely hopeless.
Thanks for letting me share. Just another rough night.
I hope that you are taking care of you, getting to meetings and learning all you can about this disease. The truth of the matter is that your husband can CONTROL this disease about as well as you can. Meaning if he is an alcoholic, he cannot. That is part of step one, and apparently he has not taken that step. Perhaps the reason that he is resistant to AA is the fact that he is hearing things there that just do not work for him and his own thinking about this disease. I can really relate to all the insanity and ups and downs. My husband and I are also separated and I am trying to keep the focus on my own recovery. The frightening thing to me today is that by doing that I have begun to realize that I am not strong enough in my own recovery to have my husband home, sober or not. All that crazy thinking is still lurking around in my head. I realize today that the drinking was only the symptom of the insanity and even without it, we both are still very sick people that have a lot of work to do. I must continue that work, getting stronger, reading the literature daily and applying the tools of Alanon daily in order for me to be ok. Perhaps one day we will reconcile, but for today I know that I cannot only not live with this disease, I cannot live with my husband. It is not fair to him or to me. I would just go back to all of my own sneaking, manipulating behavior, checking on his recovery and become totally consumed with that. The focus would be on him and not on myself and I know that I need to get better, for if I do not, there will be another alcoholic waiting in the wings to fill that place in my life.
So I guess what I am saying is take this time for you. Focus on yourself, commit to your own recovery. Let his be his, it will all play out in time. When I realized that my husbands behavior did not change whether he was drinking or not, without a program in AA, I also realized that my own behaviors would not change, with or with the alcoholic in my life, without a program of my own. The alcohol and the alcoholics in our lives are are secondary to the behaviors and thinking that brought us here. Without programs, the Merry-go-round continues. I want off, if my husband decides to stay on that is up to him.
Stay strong and stay focused, get to meetings, read, read, read....
You might want to make it clear to him that it's not the chip you need to see, in order to let him back, but some show that he is taking this seriously and is working towards recovery. Ohterwise, a couple of months from now, you will be right back where you started. Stay strong - you have a right to your boundaries.
