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Well after my daughters pyschologist appt yesterday, he informed me that he is calling DYFS (might be called child protective services in your state) today.
He started it off saying the my daughter is obviously not a happy camper and that she is happier when she is no thome. He said that he wasn't calling because he thought that I was abusive but that there is the potential for the voilence in my house to escalate. Also he said that the fact that my daughter isn't taking her medicines and there is an element of neglect in the house. I don't know if the neglect is being considered myself or my A. There seemed to be a focus of my daughter being voilent with me because I have had a history in the past of getting in her face, literally dragging her out of bed trying to get her to school, etc. I told him, she hits her 9 yo brother and also her mother. Her mom says things to her like "you'll be happy when your dad get's rid if me", "I know you hate me", "you ungrateful bitch", and the other night she said "stop looking at me before I come over there and smack you in the face"
I'm trying so hard not to play "what if's" and I feel like I'm stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep hoping that my HP is putting gears in motion to improve things somehow, in ways that I don't understand or comprehend.
On the way home I stopped by the beach at the lake to talk to her. I told her that I understood what it was to hate it at home, to rather be elsewhere cause I grew up that way, not because of alcoholism but other dysfunctions. At this point I lost it and started crying. I told her that while I did the best I could w/ the tools I had at the time, that I felt like I had failed my children. She said that it wasn't me and I told her that we all had our parts. I was far from the perfect dad, but was always doing what I thought was best and doing it because I loved them.
I'm trying to figure out whether to tell my A that DYFS is coming. Part of me wants them to see things as they really are. The empty boxes of booze in her bedroom, not give her time to coach the kids, which I've seen her do at the psychiatrist. My sis in law, her twin who has already gone thru all this herself and found a religion that functioned as her recovery didn't think I should tell her. Yet I have the benefit of knowing and I'm trying to do some picking up. It doesn't seem fair that I'm trying to not make some things look as bad but am willing to leave my A unknowing.
So I know what I have to do. I know I have to trust my HP, I know I have to let go and surrendor my fear, panic and aprehension over all of this. For some reason that awareness only seems to be marginally helping me. I hope that if I keep talking about it, it will get better.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I am so sorry you are going through this. You are a good father and I know that you will get through this in one piece. I wish I had some better words of wisdom for you. Trust your HP to guide you.
I'm so sorry DYSF is being called. I know that is scary. It was called on my family a couple of years ago. I only got about 20 minutes notice before they showed up. I had no idea what they were going to ask or anything and I was just sick. My a has definite anger issues and after his rather poorly handling my son in a trying to teach him a lesson mode-we talked and he is no longer able to discipline the children. Of course nothing was asked of me or said to me before CPS came. They did not take my kids, but did recommend that he no longer discipline. While things did work out for us I know how sick and nerve racking it can be! I hope that all ends well and this will help things get better. I will say a prayer for you and your family.
What a great Daddy you are!! My father would have never taken me to the beach and talked one on one. If I were you I don't think I would tell your A. Let HP do his work. Like you said, you know she will coach the kids and remove the empties from her room, don't enable. You never know what may be the thing that opens her eyes. I mean really, look at me and my A. I prayed, manipulated and begged for 17 yrs and bronchitis/pneumonia is what set my A free from this awful disease. I believe with all my heart it was HP at work. Take your hands off the wheel my friend, let HP steer. TRUST!!
Love you ((bump)))
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
What an extremely "scary" place to be in at this time. Sometimes the "crisis' is to be left the way it is so that the A in our lives can see how much damage the cost of alcoholism truly causes, and that the consequences of their actions, is bestowed upon themselves. In my tattered page of "Detachement" it does say......Not to cover up for anyones's mistakes or misdeeds..........Not to create a crisis.......Not to prevent a crisis in the natural course of events.......I wish you all the best. gardengal
Bob - you are trying, working your ass off in a program and growing! I know it must be scarey, but you did the right thing turning it over. I agree with Christy I wouldn' t enable her. I would work on everything but her room. Good Luck my dear friend, remeber you have a HP on your side seeing your daiily work for your family. He even sees those Pinewood Derby cars for scouts.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Well, Friday a dear Alanon friend of mine gave me a number Friday for an organization on the state level that is similiar than one I called in the fall at the county level that I was denied.
They also work w/ DYFS.
I have cases open for both of my daughters and they are calling me to schedule an in home assesment for my oldest daughter and waiting for a clinic evaluation and request for higher level treatement from my 13 yo'd dr.
This organization has a 1 hr mobile response unit also that will come out in a crisis as well.
Any one interested they serve mulltiple states, work w/ different state agencies and are state funded. http://www.valueoptions.com
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
If it is posible, at this scary time, try to think of this as a chance to get some help for your daughter that you can't give her just now. You have admitted that you are overwhelmed with the home situation - maybe this is the answer to your prayers - of course coming as prayer answers so often do, in a disguise that we don't at first recognize.
DYFS is very scarey, but it does not have to be negative.
We had a run in with them years ago. I was very young and very afraid. In reality it was a blessing in disguise. They started my children with counselors and myself as well. My husband did not cooperate, but as I did 100% they ended up closing our file.
They sent me for parenting classes which made me a much more informed and better mother. They led me to Alanon, which has saved my life, literally.
They also paid for my children to go to camp, in an effort to occupy them for the summer, while I did the things I needed to do for both me and them.
At the time I was angry and afraid, but I was totally honest with them and did everything they asked of me, and all things worked out for all of us.
When I think back on that time, I consider our case worker a guardian angel. He helped me to get my life in order, no matter what my husband did, to keep my priorities straight, to get organized, to learn proper dicipline for my children and to keep us all safe and healthy. Instead of being a dark point in our lives, I now consider it a turning point.
Be honest with them, take their suggestions and try and see the positive in it. It does not have to be a horror for any of you. Hopefully it will be a way to get you all some help you can use. Keep remembering what a good father you are. You have nothing to fear from them.
Everything happens for a reason, we just sometimes don't see it right away. I am sure everything will work out for you all.
Hi Bob you have tried to be a great Dad and a great mother as well and we know what a fantastic father you are just by the way you talk about your kids. Don't try to control the situation with your A if there are empty booze bottles etc let her be responsible for the outcome. Have the house clean and in order and surrender to HP. Thinking of you. Luv Leo xx
Surrender it to HP my friend. I know exactly how damned tough it is to be both Mother and Father....my kids are 30 and 27 now and their father still doesn't even acknowledge their existence.
You're a great Dad....I wish my kids had had a daddy like you.
