The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This continues to be some wild ride with my A. I did make it to a lawyer last week. He said that marriage was a financial and responsibility legal agreeement. And my husband says that he doesn't want a marital relationship with me but is willing to share the finances. Talking to the lawyer was ironically like talking to my husband who always corrects my statements.
I called my A just to talk. I said that I didn't want to spend another long weekend in this small town alone. So I revealed to him that I was needy and wanting. He said that that was my problem, that he was not responsible for me. I said something like why are you in such a hurry to end this relationship? He said that well he has had some dates. I said how could you, you are still married. He said that he conveniently forgot his marriage vows. When I hung up I was devastated. I cried and cried and cried and thought how stupid can I be? Well, the next day we had agreed to look at some land that we had bought. On the drive out he apologized and said that it wasn't a date but that he had gone out to lunch on two occasions with coworkers who happen to be women. At that moment I realized that I have been dealing with the disease thinking that it was the man I love.
I had read in one of my books that in order not to control and manipulate your partner you should not do or say anything. I carried this thought to a f2f meeting. At the end of the meeting the sharing turned to not saying anything, just keep your mouth shut. I guess the message is clear. Especially with all the reacting to my husband that I have been doing. It is difficult for me to not say or do anything but it is obvious that when my A is in his disease reacting is the most destructive thing I could do. I understand that focusing on myself will help me be stronger to take better care for myself. I really look forward to working on myself and giving my A to his HP.
This is the hardest thing for me to understand!! Not reacting--not being able to share with my a. Not letting him know what I am thinking or how I am feeling. I thought that was the point on marriage--maybe in a normal relationship it is, but it seems so impossible with an a. I find myself truly depressed over the fact that I may never be able to share with him. That to me is so overwhlemingly sad! I hope I can come to accept this as well.
I know, it is so sad....I keep forgetting my hub is sick and say something that would have been fine a few years ago, but now....I can make rockets go off without even trying. His anger is so great towards me. I am so lonely, I think I need to move out. But, if I do, then we lose our home. If I stay, he just ignores or says he hates me. Life with an A can be incredibly difficult.
