The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the last couple f2f alanon meetings I have been to, it was recommended to me that I try to attend an AA meeting or two. Its not the first time its been mentioned to me... my therapist had also said she thought I should attend some. One of my biggest problems with my A is that I think he is just a weak willed monster who refuses to try to get some control over his life. Basically I have very little compassion for him or for his problems. Because he doesn't seem to be in any pain or hurting then he can't possibly be having any difficulties. Maybe I just want to feel like the only victim... who knows... I do not know my own mind right now and I have been struggling with my lack of compassion in regards to my A for some time.
Tonite I decided to go to an AA meeting. My A attended his first meeting last Friday and had asked me to go to tonites open meeting with him. I felt really wierd being there... like I was intruding. No one asked me why I was there... I guess they just figured I was an A also and I didn't feel like speaking up. Thats ok with me really.... Maybe next time... though I am not sure what I would say if anyone asked anyways. Hi... My name is Jessyca and I am a psycho bitch codependent from hell? I don't think so. All I know is that I am very glad he chose not to share tonite... I would have been a mess.
I don't know what I was expecting... I know I wasn't expecting what I experienced. I honestly don't know what I thought was going to happen. I knew no one was going to sit around talking about the good old days... or how much they missed them. It was very hard to hear addiction talked about so openly among the members. Something that is still such a deep dark secret in my life... something I only expose to the light when I have to... when I am ready to burst in my temper tantrums and feel like I can not go on anymore. Something I have only just barely started talking about to other people in the real world. My A and I don't even talk that openly about it. Not with out one of us hurling insults or nasty names at the other anyways. Not in civilized conversation and definately not with out the blame game or pointing fingers.
I was a half a step away from balling my eyes out for the whole hour. I don't know why I cry at the drop of a hat now... I will take it though over the last four years of having to constantly be strong.. and the anger and the hatred. The tears pass so much more quickly than the anger anyways.... and in the end I feel like I learned something about myself. I am not sure what was so special to me that I needed to cry the whole way home. I feel like I have seen the other side of this table... That my A does feel pain like I do... that he does feel remorse.... I think I might understand him just a little bit better tonite. I am sure I have much more to learn but one day at a time. I want to just think about what I have seen tonite... let it soak in before the kids wake up and life goes on in the morning.
Another thing... I think my HP has been leaving me a message these last few days. Since last week its been a constant subject in certain areas of my life. For instance... last week in my religious classes we have been getting ready for Lent. Talking about what Lent entails and how its about soul searching and being more christ like. Friday in a alanon meeting I went to the discussion was about HP and our perception of HP... and what that means to us. Then Saturday at another meeting the discussion was Let go and Let God... and then Saturday nite in a conversation with my spiritual advisor we discussed aligning our wills with God and doing the things for myself that give me peace in my soul and concentrating on those things that make me happy. My perception of God has always been one of love and forgiveness... of turning the other cheek and loving thy neighbor as one would themselves. Its something that I have a lot hardship complying with in my marriage. Sometimes I hate my husband. I don't feel that he truly cares what happens to us. He doesn't want to try it seems to me.. yet he won't leave or let me go and calls me a quitter when I kick him out. I think I might better understand the message God has been sending me the last week after tonite. I think thats why I cried. I saw that maybe its all true... what I have been reading... that my A just really hates himself more than anything. That he can't love anyone cause he doesn't even love himself. He is running away from his pain and agony, drowning his sorrows. I have a little hope tonite... He has two meetings under his belt... lots of phone numbers of people who can help him, the big book, and a one day sobriety chip. Just for today... its going to be enough for me. I am really proud of him... and I will pray for us both... That God will take care of us.
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~Prayer for Today~
Lord make me an instrument of Thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love: Where there is injury, pardon : Where there is doubt, faith: Where there is depair, hope: Where there is darkness, light: And where there is sadness: joy.
Sounds to me like you got a clue now! Thanks for sharing that. I totally get where u r coming from. I so understand how u feel and why u felt that way. I am so glad u went to that meeting and that u have opened up your heart. Good for you! Best wishes to you both.
Yeahhhhh notta , glad u went to a meeting, I understand yur pain it ws much easier for me to hate him than it was to love him. As i began to believe this is truly a disease compassion started to enter my life and I saw his pain,not just mine. vulnerable I don't do well even now but back then it was just too damn painful.
Letting go and admitting that I could possibly have been wrong, physically hurt. As i began to thaw and treat h im with respect and started to show some to myself my life started to get better. Al-Anon changed my life got the focus back on me where it belonged and i left him to God and AA. they know what to do with him cause i sure didn't . hehe
Go to meetings for yourself , for me it is the best way to support our A's . We get busy fixing our selves and we don't have time to get in their face, and off thier backs we can all breathe a little easier . goodluck Louise
I think that crying is a good thing. It cleanses the soul. I went to an AA meeting last summer. It really put me on a path to recovery. They gave me a Big Book. They told me to lose the resentments. I am so grateful.
I remember feeling just that about my A - what do you mean YOU'RE IN PAIN - to me he was the one who GAVE pain, not the one who felt it.
I remember the night it changed for me - he was terribly drunk, I knew he wouldn't remember a thing the next morning. Ranting raving, screaming, totally an insane beast. I looked at him, and realized "The man I married would never want to do this. He must feel like he has been possessed by a devil" and it all started, very slowly, to change.
One thing you can keeep in mind - there is nothing you could have said at the AA meeting that they haven't heard before, and stranger. They like to hear from alanons, they tell me - it gives THEM a chance to see the other side of the picture.
