The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well it has been a few days since I was on. I'm having a hard time--would love to be on here more, but the only time I get a chance to be on here is at work and then I'm afraid I get so caught up here I'm not doing my job! Any Way!!!
The beginning of last week went very well. My a decided a week ago Friday to get up and try to clean up again. Went to a meeting, got a chip, asked someone to be his sponsor and was off and running. Things were fine until he went to a meeting on Thurs.--he was trying to get financial aide to go to Taxidermy school, well it doesn't look like he'll get it--so of course he was mad at the world. Me doing my thing, I tried to get his mind to thinking about how maybe we could do a few things that might make it possible for him to go anyway--well, bad timing and even though I meant it as help it probably wasn't what I was supposed to be doing I should have just let him gripe left it all alone. Anyway I got tired of the whole world is against me crap--so I just ignored him for the rest of the night. Decided that was the better thing to do.
So Friday he decides he wants to go to the chicken fights with his paycheck. I of course couldn't do anything, because he didn't want to think about anyone, but himself. It lasted all night long--I can't wait until I get to the place where I can just fine, go if you want to go, but I'm just gonna stay here. I went--I hate losing sleep (but knew I would lose it no matter what, just wondering what was going on with him--I have GOT TO get past this!!!!!!!) We didn't get home until Sat. morning at 4:30. Having $25 left for the week. I haven't gotten groceries in 3 weeks because he has decided to use his paycheck for the last month on himself and all of his needs/wants (forget the family).
Anyway so we went to his daughter's b-day party. His sponsor was there. I talked to him. So then he got on to my a pretty hard--which wasn't what I was wanting, but I do want someone else to help encourage him to think differently. By the end of the party my a was pretty angry and I'm not sure if he will work with this guy or not now.
I say all of this because I just read the a post talking about how one didn't count on their a, tell their a things about their life and what they are doing and going through. This is what hurts me the most. I know that when I try to have what I thought (imagined) would be a "normal" life, this is not how I thought it would be. My a is my husband I thought when you married you shared everything with this person--they were your support, you were their's--together you could handle it because you "had each other's back"--how could I think that so deeply then get invovled with someone who just can't give me that? I am having the hardest time accepting this!!!!!
I want to say--you do what you do, I'll do what I do. I love you and if you want to be involved with me then this is what I will expect/need. If you can't do that, fine. (But I don't feel fine!!!!)
Anyway, I'm just nervous about the week. I hate not knowing where things are going or what will happen and how long everything will take!!!
Oh I'm sorry I'm so blah and emotional. tHanks for listening!
HI Dawn, have you read the book,"Getting Them Sober?" It is a wonderful book that is very important for all of us. It is easy to read and understand, becuz our lives are so confused and we are so tender, I always recommend it.
Yep relating to you. Sadly being married to an A is anything but whatever normal is. I had to learn to do everything alone, I have my own car, home, money everything. If I got time with him great, if not, I am learning still to be ok with out him.
For me it is pretty easy as it has been years now. But at first it is like a hole in your gut and someone is pulling your stomach out....sigh
Meetings help, keeping busy at what you love will help too.
When ya think about him and his disease, think of something else instead. I have different things that pop into my head. It sorta goes directly to that now. I see his face or feel that feeling and POP I see wild purple irises. I am not kidding..
I am fortunate I don't have kids right now. When I did, A had a tantrum and I got a restraining order and did not see him for ten years.
For me there was NO way I was having my babies around him. no way.
My A has anger issues too.
I am glad you post here, that helps so much too. Please try to look at you and what you want.
If he joins great, if not, you be happy anyway. It takes time, but it can be done.
love,debilyn who is not even going to mention "chicken fights" ick
Aloha Dawn. It certainly sounds like you are qualified for our family groups. Have you looked for face to face meeting where you live? Getting into those meetings and listening, learning, sharing and following suggestions will certainly change your life for the better. Of course I cannot gaurantee it because everyone works the program in their own way yet I can tell you that I did those things and today I have a life that is so very worth living. Read Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL) and practice, practice, practice focusing on yourself. Focusing on the alcoholic is like putting your nose up against a picture. That close and you can't see straight and your nose just gets bent out of shape. There is a multitude of help in our program and it is yours for the taking if you come and take the seat you have already earned. Your alcoholic? expect insanity and alcoholic behavior and you won't be let down. When I learned to expect abnormal instead of the normal I thought was supposed to be there I got healthier.
Yes, I just got the book Getting Them Sober and have started to read it. I already enjoy it and know I will probably read it over and over-at least certain sections.
I have gone to a few face to face meetings. I need to be better about that. I feel better when I go, I just find excuses to stay home. I am going to work on changing that!
thinking of you and wishing you peace. I know those days when nothing seems right. I try to do something for myself to make me feel better and bring the focus back on myself. The serenity prayer has saved me many times.
I understand the feeling of disappointment of not having someone capable of sharing my life the way i would like to share it. This is the hardest part for me. Not an attached at the hip relationship but one where the person honestly cared what i was doing, felt etc. Now I am beginning to actually enjoy keeping things that make me feel good and bad to myself sometimes. I guess they have been turned around and used against me enough that I am protecting myself better. The sadness is still there sometimes though.
i hope today is much better for you, take care of yourself.
