The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I recently got chided by an AA friend for not letting an ex-boyfriend make amends to me. I explained that I have no communication with this person for a reason and just beucase they've been sober for 5 month is no reason for me to get all emotionally involved with someone that I don't see as having a lot to offer sober or not. I truely don't ahve resentments toward this ex. We ended things well. However, I've discovered that for myself, it's better for me to not having contact with him beucase thought my own faults, I get mentally and emotionally sucked back in. So I set that boundary and am very comfortable with it.
In any case, he left me a message at Christmas and I didn't call him back nor do I intend to. My friend pointed out that if he was trying to make amends that I should be so "selfish" and allow him to make amends to me. However, I feel like him making amends to me is purely selfish on his part. I don't need it becuase I truely harbor nothing against him. I have no part hurts or regrets and if he does, then that's his issue. However, to allow him to get into his amends to me I think would really cause me to be upset.
In any case, I guess my question is is it truely selfish to not allow someon to make thier amends. And in making your amends do you evaluate whether or not it's a selfish act?
The A is trying to make amends, and will do so if he is allowed to do it.
You are well within your rights to determine whether or not you want to see him, have contact with him, or whatever...
This is why the step is entitled "... be willing to make amends...". The fact that he is "willing" to make amends is the key thing.... If you are not willing to accept or hear these amends, it should not adversely effect his recovery.
I think your friend is misguided when they suggest that you are being selfish. You are practicing 'self-care', and have decided, for you, that it is best not to have contact with this person.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The step is to make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. If you feel it would hurt you or harm you in anyway to have contact with this person, you should not feel that you have to.
He has made the effort, he has done what he has to. There is no obligation for anyone to accept the amends.
You have your own boundaries for your own reasons and no third party has the right to force you to bend.
God I love humor!! I can remember AA's telling me what I should and should not do in early recovery as if they wrote the book. I did the same thing you did...set my Al-Anon boundaries and kept them. We each have our recovery program and my alcoholic did her program as suggested while it was suggested to me to stay out of it. Your friend is a recovering alcoholic and it is not recommended that a member of the Al-Anon Family groups get a sponsor from AA but from Al-Anon. We are also cautioned about judging other in any way shape or form as this is not an acceptable evidence of our own recovery. I like the information about his program and recovery not being dependent on your acknowlegement, validation or participation. It works for me. I am a member of both groups with Al-Anon being my first foundation and the assurance that it carries me farther than just being alcohol free. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
well your friend is just assuming he was calling to make amends, who knows? If the boundary u have set was to not see him again thats your business. if he wants to make amends he will find a way - no big deal. Louise
I do relate to this. This is what my sponsor once told me when I was struggling with something like this.
I am able to forgive, doesn't mean I will forget what has happened.....but it also doesn't mean I have to invite that person back into my life either. I have a choice. I can sit and listen to what a person has to say or I don't. What really matters most, is my side of the street clean? I am not responsible for others...just myself. Have I made amends where I needed to? The answer comes to me when I work my program. Other people's opinions of how I work my program or just in general cannot stand in the way of my recovery. It is for ME...not them.
