Well,I got a phone call from AA.They said they have my A with them and they now want to come here to meet with me,so we can decide what to do.I asked "exactly WHO is coming,and was told my A wanted to come too." I said NO. I told them they can come and we can talk,but I don't wish to discuss this in front of my A. They agreed.

Two of his group came and they told me what A had told them of the events leading up to this situation. It appears he has told the truth.I'm glad,at least,that his version of events matched mine and that gave us a little ground to work on.They told me that his choices now were very limited. He had only 3 options.1) For me to accept him back here-now that he acknowledges his mistakes,they felt that maybe I would consider this. 2) Go to his parents or 3)Go to his sister. They pointed out that options 2 and 3 were going to make life very difficult for A and that the decision was mine now to accept or decline.(Both options 2 and 3 put him straight back with active alcoholics.

I told them that I fully realised how limited his options were.They told me he was sitting at one of their homes now anxiously awaiting my response.They had given him a bed for the nights since he contacted them on my advice. I have never felt under SO MUCH PRESSURE!!! I sat and listened to it all and could feel my heart pounding through my chest and,at one point,asked them to give me 5 minutes while I disappeared into the toilet and sat on the loo repeating the serenity prayer!!!! When I came back,I asked if there might be a fourth option. One of the two has a small hotel about 150 kms from here and I knew he needed staff for the new season. I asked him if it would be an option for him to offer any kind of position to my A. He said he had thought about it,but had decided that it would be unhelpful to A since it meant he could walk out of one mess and be presented with a nice little alternative,rather than actually taking responsibility for the predicament he now found himself in. I laughed and said that I exactly understood his response,but that to ask me to give him another chance was along much the same lines. He thought about it for a few seconds,then agreed with my analogy.

 
I pointed out that,ordinarily, I could probably accept that he made some mistakes and it wasn't a hanging offence to screw up once in a while....but violence isn't exactly something that could be regarded in the same light. I asked them how far were they prepared to go to ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE my safety...knowing full well that there is NO way they could. This guy knows full well that the last act of violence when my A went on the rampage in a drunken stupor,I made it quite clear that I would never accept that again.(In fact this was the same guy who took me in so I could escape from A for 5 days, 18 months ago.He took me to his hotel and I made some nice AA friends there from other parts of Turkey. This was the instrumental point in my A finally accepting he was an alcoholic and started dabbling with AA ) I warned him completely that ANY aggression he metered out to me from that point on would see him in court!! After that terrible incident my A never hit me again,but smashed things all about the house instead.They accepted that I was absolutely right and that A was really angry and ashamed of himself for this latest incident. It doesn't deter from the FACT that there has been another incident...and I made a sensible decision to call for outside help to protect myself.If I hadn't taken the action I did,who knows if I would have ended up a statistic?? I re-iterated that I don't WANT to put myself back in that position again,and that if I now say "Well,ok then,I let you off this time....how long will it be before there is another???"  I'd done that once before he found AA Who the hell is going to take me seriously if I don't take my own safety seriously?? He knew the score and frankly,he blew it. They nodded in agreement and said "So where do we go from here?"

We had a short discussion about A's mental state...me telling them that frankly I was now of the opinion that seeing the anger and the lack of skills he has to deal with the simplest of tasks,that in my view he had some very serious mental problems and that alcoholism was actually only one of his difficulties.I was quite surprised when they both agreed with me. I suggested that A definately needed to learn some basic life skills and that he was most definately in need of anger management as well as the AA programme. AA guy pointed out A wasn't in an AA programme yet,since he needed 90 days sobriety before he could even start the programme.I commented that the anger and dark moods can only get worse,once he actually has to start examining aspects of the programme and begin looking at character defects etc. Hell that bit is hard enough for me and I don't have a temper!!!! They both nodded in agreement.

At this point AA guy said to me " Chris,I made a very serious mistake myself a few days ago! You telephoned me and told me that A had slipped and what had happened.I rang you and told you that we were having an emergency meeting and told you that we would all be coming to you after the meeting.Do you remember??"  I told him that I remembered very well and that I was extremely upset about that conversation as I saw it as manipulation and I felt violated by their assumption that they could make a life decision on my behalf,without me getting any say in it. He shook his head and said that he was So sorry that he did that,and that after I had rejected it and their meeting was over,that he realised I had been absolutely correct and that he himself hadn't actually realised the implication of what he had said. He offered his sincere apologies for his mistake. I told him I hoped he now understood why I didn't want A here today either and he said that I was correct.

SO...now I had to give my decision. I told them I had considered it all very carefully,and that I had no malice or wish to inflict any more pain on A than he has already inflicted on himself.That I truly did love him and that,for me,this was the most awful decision to have to make. But I was sorry my answer has to be NO.He can't come back!! I have to give him the dignity of accepting that he screwed up and that,for him to get well and be proud of his achievement,he has to do this on his own now. He is a man....not my child!! I protected him for long enough,and for my part I did that out of a misguided sense of loyalty.I also acknowledged that what I thought was showing him love,was in fact delaying his recovery and taking his responsibility for that out of his hands.I was truly sorry for that,because I really thought what I was doing was loving him. I told them I was sure he would really hate me now for doing this and he would see my refusal as the ultimate act of betrayal...and that is something I will have to live with,since there is such a strong part of me that wants to take him in my arms and tell him how much I love him and take all his pain away. BUT I CAN'T!!!  And I can't take this pain away from me either at this moment.Underneath the dark veil of this terrible disease is a really kind,gentle, sensitive and tortured being who has had a terrible life and is desperately searching for a way out of this hellhole. And then I really let myself down and sobbed!!!! They said that my decision would be a very hard one for A to come to terms with,but that he also had a Higher Power and that...who knows?? Maybe God's plan is for him and his sister to find sobriety together??Stranger things have happened and all we can do is pray for them both.I hadn't thought of that....just was torturing myself with the feeling that I was condemning him to a life of misery in alcoholism with her,and no way out now. They were very sweet and consoled me by telling me that I had absolutely nothing to reproach myself for and that God willing,this would finally be his bottom and the final spur he needs to take control of his life!!!

OH PLEASE GOD................. 

They have taken A's luggage with them and gone to break the news to him.


My Dearest Friends here in Alanon........Can I ask you all to pray for him and his sister that they find the strength and will to escape from the hell they are in and come out of it with their serenity and sobriety????????