The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is very cold right now in Oregon. We are not used to this. Blue sky and weather in the teens or less. ground is super hard. meaning no mud at least.
This morn the water is off. Yesterday there was water blowing out of the pressure thingy on the well. I had to call A. I mean you would think me up here with all these animals he would come help me fix it or whatever. I have no water.
He says he is working on that engine. I told him for petes sake you have been working on it for weeks. I am a human being, I need help here.
He says he will call me back. I am sure that was when the liquor store opened and he and his boyfriend musta had to do a vodka run.
I still cried a bit when I went to bed when I realized A did not even call.
I have a wonderful man and lady who have adopted me. I called him and he told me what to do and stuff.
But I still had to haul five gallon buckets out for water everywhere. Which is ok really.
I am so naive I thought well maybe A will tell his boyfriend about my obstacle and they will just show up.
A never called. Never came out. My brother, who is actually A's friend since they were little kids called me. I told him the problem, but I am more mechanical minded than him. Then he called later to see if I was ok. My son called me too more than once.
I still cried a bit when I went to bed when I realized A did not even call.
He did come by though, and brought me a nice soap, lotion etc set. (c: that was so nice. He never lets me open things until he is gone. He ges embarrassed.
When he callled later I asked him if he thougth I stunk?? lol lol he said, "I knew you would say that."
NO I don't wait for A. I don't even think about it. Like I said, I remembered when I went to bed. Detachment really works.
Then today I am thinking, why don't I block him from calling and not answer when he calls my cell? Just dumb stuff.
For my sake I may handcuff him at some point and drag his boney butt somewhere and well and what??? Go at him until the disease shuts up and my A is there. If it is any where there anymore. Just fantasizing now.
I always wanted to do this and have my son take us up in the mountains to a camp I set up Keep A hand cuffed, detox him, then rehab him for as long as it took. Have my son bring us what we needed. I would like to do it for me more than A.
fantasies.
It is even colder today. water is completely off. so gotta go get some in town.
I find it amazing how the disease can pull you and hurt you even when ya don't live with it or talk to it for a long time.
When it is in prison will I be too? At this point guys I don't plan to go see him. It will be up to him to go to AA up to him to have a Bible study. I will send the brothers there but that is all I will do.
He is at his bottom and he needs to feel all the hell of it to decide whether he will climb out , stay where he is, or die.
all I know is I gotta go get more birdseed, water, and go look at the pretty river. cuz I don't drive drunk and I am free. A was mad at me for being happy, as he says he is at bottom and soon won't have his freedom. oh boohoo. like how dare I be happy. Well ok be A but don't drive drunk.
So I am doing some nice things for me. what are you guys doing for you?
Debilyn: I can relate deeply to the selfishness of the A. My A has a muscle condition. He in in bed all weekend. I have very very bad asthma, once had status asthmaticus. He did not want to take me to the hospital when I could not even breathe. His world revolves entirely around his needs.
I am tremendously sorry to hear of your problem with the water, hauling all that water in the cold must be such hard work. I am sorry to hear that you can run all over the place for the A but he cannot even "think" of you. At the same time I am not suprised that is my A all over the place and one reason I have to absolutely focus on my program.
Can you find volunteers to help you. I know in certain schools now they have to do so much community service in order to graduate. I don't know anything better than taking care of animals. I feel bad that you are up there doing all that work alone.
I am sure you will feel terribly if the A goes to jail which seems likely. My own A is a reckless driver. He hid that from me when we met he was actually not allowed to drive then but drove anyways. Now I am at a place in my life where I do not want to deal with it but extricating myself is difficult.
I hope in some ways it will be easier for you if and when he is in jail. He will be forced to stop acting out and he will not be a danger to others. I know everytime the A gets in the truck (which is mine but he drives) he could cause an accident. He is not safe to be on the road because he has no sense of emotional sobriety and takes risks all over the place. Then he wonders why his insurance is so high.
I am far far more detached now I am in this program. Nevertheless I am fed up with his selfishness and quite honestly I want to be around someone who has the time and space to care of me in sickness and in health. My a can do neither. I give that I deserve that. I do believe I deserve that today.
Have you heard the phrase going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread? That is what it is to try to get support from our A's, it is not gonna happen.
I am glad that you have made yourself a support system to help you out.
Megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I just wanted to say what an inspiration you have been to me on this board. I don't write that much here, but when i read your posts, I always see this incredible strength shining thru you and it helps me to grow in compassion and love... so thank you.
It is so cold with the wind we have right now, I can't imagine how hard it is to haul water with wind knocking you off your feet. I wish I was a plumber and able to help you get the water back on.
A's are so selfish and I still am surprised by it when I know better. I finally met my A for lunch for the first time since leaving him in Oct. We talked a long time and got some things ironed out. When it came to talking about the taxes he said that he didn't trust me to get my papers together because I'm not responsible since I don't answer his 10 calls a day. I told him I will not respond to his obsessive behavior but I will get the taxes taken care of! Then he asks me to call the accountant, jeez can I do that, I don't know!
Then he tells me he wants to file seperately because he changed his deductions and he thinks the refund should be all his! It takes a lot emotionlly not to respond to his statements! And he wonders why I don't want to talk to him!
I hope the weather turns for you so you and your critters have water. ;)
