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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New here, but same old problems..
Post Info TOPIC: New here, but same old problems..
nybeachgirl


Newbie

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New here, but same old problems..
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Hi Everyone!

I just want to say thank you in advance for anyone who takes the time to read my post/reply. I've never done anything like this before so I don't really know where to start. My therapist suggested to me that she thinks al-anon meetings would help me, but I have a very busy schedule and I think an online group may be able to help me in a similar way that a face to face meeting would.

Where to begin.. I'm 24 years old and my dad was an alcoholic and a cocaine addict my entire life. My mom divorced him when I was almost 3 years old, and from the ages 3-15 he was in and out of my life. I saw him very sporadically. He would pop in here and there, every 6 months or so, sometimes longer. You can imagine what that can do to the mind of an impressionable, young girl. He passed away from colon cancer when I was 15 years old, and although hes been gone for quite some time now, all of the problems are still there.

My trust in other people is bordering non-existant because of him. He would promise me he would come see me, and time and time again he would break that promise. But, time and time again I would believe him, and trust him that he would not hurt me. Although I know now at this point in my life that he had a disease, and he was not intentionally staying away from my brothers and I, it makes me very cautious in my relationships. I have been dating the same guy for 3 and a half years, and although he says he loves me more than anything, and that I make him happy.. I just can't believe what he tells me. Deep down, I feel like I will be abandoned by him, just like I was by my dad.

My sense of self worth also has taken a hit because of all of this. I feel like I'm not worth staying with, that there is something better out there, and that eventually, the person I'm with will realize that and leave me. I can think back to being 7 years old and wondering, "what is out there that is better than me that is keeping dad away from me?" and that thought still sticks with me today.

It's rough having these constant thoughts, and I would just like to know that I'm not alone in this..



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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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welcome.

You are not alone for sure. I feel as you do but not the low self esteem way. I got this way from losing too many loved ones, including husbands.

My best friend found he was in love with me. I wanted to run. He stuck thru all my fears, taught me to trust and depend on him. I worked hard and let go. I trusted him completely, planned for what we were working towards. He was divorcing.

Yes, the worst happened. Something bad happened in his family, he chose to stay with them. Grandchildren.

It was the worst loss as I finally believed in someone.

To say I was hurt is not enough. I still grieve the loss every day. He tried to call, send me stuff. I told him to not contact me, that this was not right, nor fair to me. I can't just be a friend when I was suppose to be a wife.

So....just like my animals die. Relationships can end. Any relationship. Sadly it is part of life. My son and daughter basically went thru what you did. One is 38, other 39. My boy divorced becuz of her cheating. Daughter has never been married. He has no interest in love anymore. He fell hard for someone, and she him then she all of a sudden left out of nowhere. I do get it.

i feel we have to work on accepting what is each day. Stop looking ahead. He is here today. enjoy it. do this every day. Stop yourself from thinking the negative stuff that goes thru your head and put in today is a good day. keep it simple.

I thank hp every time i talk to him, each day, thank you for another day.

As far as Dad, does not matter why he did what he did. It hurts the same. For me it is more i think, he would never have done this to me on purpose. i forgive him. I forgive my guy as I know he hurt horribly for hurting me. He did not choose what happened.

So to forgive is more for you than them. its a peace an acceptance. I KNOW no ones father would choose to abandone his kids. his life has something so bad that it keeps him away.

Forgiveness is a huge healing tool. when the icky thoughts come, I will remind me, I forgave him and take a deep breath and let it go.

He is the one who lost knowing a very beautiful daughter. He lost a good life. I would forgive him.

also I don't have expectations of anyone. This is where a day at a time is so cool. We know they will be there that day, they are here this day.stop looking so far ahead. Be thankful for each day with them.

If my guy comes back he has a lot of work to do if he wants me. I will take a day at a time.

Someone loving you, who will stick is huge. Do you love him? '

Keep coming. I believe  you are going to love it here. hugs



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
nybeachgirl


Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:
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Debilyn, thank you so much for the kind words and the helping hand I was looking for. I appreciate you sharing your story with me more than you know.

I have forgiven my dad, I know he did not choose this disease, and that he loved me with all of himself even though he was not around. I try to remind myself daily that this was not done on purpose, but the pain remains the same.

I love my boyfriend more than I can put into words. He has been with me through my ups and downs, knows my story and still stays with me even when I'm at my lowest and most insecure. I am so afraid of losing him because this is the first person I have allowed myself to fully love and let in, and I'm terrified of being hurt again. Hurt the way I was everytime my dad left. I don't want to feel that pain again. I hope and pray for the day that I no longer let the fear run my thoughts.

I've started to begin my mornings by telling myself, "get through today, worry about tomorrow tomorrow." I can't say it has been easy, but I believe the more I practice, the better I will get.

*hug* thank you for welcoming me with open arms.



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Spur


Senior Member

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Posts: 125
Date:
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Welcome NYbeachgirl. You have a very good therapist to suggest you come to Al Anon. You will learn a lot here. Take your time. Recovery is a process we all have to embrace and work on every day.

My father was an alcoholic all my life and died from the disease. He lived in our house but he was never there for us growing up. When I was young I wished for a father like my friends had. One that would acknowledge me, talk to me, love me. That never happened. When I was older, married with kids of my own I hated my father for being what he was. How could you have children and not treat them with love? How could drinking be more important than being a father? 

I had to tell myself that my father couldn't change what he was and I couldnt change my childhood. I needed to set the past aside and start moving forward. I can't change my past and I cant change the parents I had, but I can change the future. Both for me and my kids.

Al Anon has helped me to deal with my personal issues from childhood. Give the program a chance. There are online meetings every night here and every morning. The info is in the upper left hand corner.

Keep coming back. You are among friends here.



-- Edited by Spur on Tuesday 21st of October 2014 05:29:51 PM



-- Edited by Spur on Tuesday 21st of October 2014 05:32:23 PM

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nybeachgirl


Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:
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Hi Spur. Like I said to Deblyn, thank you so much for welcoming me with open arms and sharing your story with me. This is all so new to me and finally finding a place where I can truly open up without judgement and with people who know my struggles is so overwhelming to me. I am proud of you for conquering so much in your life and I hope to one day be able to help someone with my story. With the help of my therapist, and the people I will come to know here I think I am in good hands. Right now I feel as if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but I know if I keep moving I will eventually see it.

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