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Well my A made contact by using a phone number he knew I would answer! Asked me what had he done wrong? Why was I punishing him?Why am I destroying his hope and love? Says he has absolutely no idea what he is supposed to have done wrong.
Told me that after I apologised and he refused my apology he had second thoughts and decided I was right and that he would go for this interview in Cesme and we could sit down and discuss things rationally when he got home.Wasn't he allowed to change his mind once he had thought it through?What was the need for me to involve my friends to intervene/protect me?Protect me from what? He hadn't actually done anything.I told him we could argue this forever but it doesn't change the fact that I am scared of him when he loses his temper and that I couldn't ever accept that I deserve to live like that. He agreed and said he would never,ever really hurt me,just he has a temper and says those awful things and that he never means it. Well how the hell am I supposed to know that???? He said he was working really hard to stay sober and that he is struggling with it and that he actually enjoys AA now and wants to continue with it as he knows he doesn't have any hope without it.He said he wasn't angry at me or my friends but he was SO angry with himself and he knew he had let himself down by turning to drink again.Said he cant forgive himself for that.I told him to ring his AA and go see them or speak to them.I cant help him and if he wants help they are the only ones that will give it willingly.
Later today,the AA guy phoned and asked if we could talk?I said fine,talk away. He told me my A was with him now and really upset at how things had kicked off. He had no intention of harming me or my friends...he had brought the petrol in to get me to burn the photo of my ex and a booklet i had which seemingly upset him!!Explained the knives because he panicked when Bill restrained him over the petrol. Dont see how anyone needs petrol to burn a photo though-a match would do the job equally as well and seeems like overkill but he is an A????
Anyway,AA guy says they have all got together and are having a special emergency meeting altogether tonight to help A and that after the meeting they will all come here to my house and we can all sit down together and talk this through. I asked him who was coming to this meeting in my home.. after the emergency meeting and he replied they would all come and bring A with them.What was supposed to happen after this meeting and he replied that they would all go home and leave my A here with me. I was speechless!!! I immediately said NO WAY!!! He asked why I wasn't happy about this and I told him that I had just been terrified out of my life and I wasn't about to let him back to do the same thing again.He assured me it wouldn't happen because he said many A's behave like this in early sobriety and that it's obviously just all a misunderstanding and we could sort it all out with a meeting and everything would be fine after. I disagreed and said that I was very happy that they had come to A's cry for help,but they had no right to arrange this meeting in my home without my prior consent and that frankly I wasn't ready to decide anything right now. He was shocked at my response and said that he thought it the was the best way forward and that it would be better if we all sorted it out together.
I asked him what right did they think they have to make this decision for me and to put me in this position in the first place?I said it was great they were having a meeting and great that A had taken my advice and gone to them but they didn't have the right to arrange a meeting in my home,then leave me with A back in the house after what had happened.He assured me it wouldn't happen again as that was why we were having the meeting!! Well I am really upset and asked well who is going to protect me if after they have all gone home A decides to take another pop at me or show me how angry he is for being kicked out? He couldnt answer that.I told him I am really sorry but I felt like I was being manipulated by AA now and that I was happy to sit and talk with them as a group or whatever but I wasn't being tricked into them bringing him here and leaving him here.How typically Turkish man dominated attitude is that??? We decide-you do it!! I told him I'm sorry but I don't want to do that his way and I wouldn't open the door if they came here because they were deciding for me.As far as I was concerned I made a simple mistake and didn't deserve the response I got....no woman (or man for that matter)should be threatened with physical violence if they dont do what someone else wants and they sure as hell don't deserve to have knives and petrol flying around. He explained that was a simple misunderstanding and that A hadn't meant any harm then and he was sure it wouldnt happen again. Well I don't know that do I????He said their was only one way to sort things out when things go wrong,as they often do,and sitting and talking it through would iron this out. Well maybe he is right,and I accept his point BUT....why couldn't they have thier meeting and not involve me until they worked out what to do with A?? And why didn't I get a choice in the matter until they had already decided it for me?Surely all AA doesnt work like that does it???Is it just Turkish AA....the men decide for us????
I re-iterated to AA man that I'm sorry but I am not ready to talk at the moment and that they can sort their own agenda and stay out of mine for the time being. Did I do wrong to say that??? I know it probably sounds really wierd but my brain is feeling like mush at the moment and I'm not sure I'm even making any sense myself now!!!!!! Advice PLEASE????????? I'm sure I'm right but I am feeling very bruised emotionally at the moment and VERY confused.
I was just wondering how you were doing was doing to send you a PM seeing you online but just saw this.
WOW. You handled this AWESOMELY. You stuck to your boundry with all the parties involved. You stood up for YOURSELF and YOUR safety. Even your friends felt threatened. It wasnt' just you. And you know what, if you feel threatened that is enough.
Them working their program doesn't have to, nor should it interfere with your program, your serenity, nor your personal safety.
I'm proud of ya ! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Chris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I've read both of your posts this morning and I am just dumbfounded. I pray for you through this crazy time. But I agree, you should be very proud of yourself for standing your ground. You need to feel safe and everyone should be able to feel safe in their own home! Stay strong girl, you can do this.
You ARE right, and there is no way that I would let this post-meeting thing happen. It absolutely violates all kinds of boundaries and overstepping their bounds.
One small correction - "AA" is not manipulating you.... but I would agree that your A, and potentially his friend in AA, as 'individuals', certainly are.
They are trying to rationalize unacceptable behavior, and acting as if you have no right to have your own boundaries and feelings about the situation. He can "want" to reconcile, but neither your A, nor his AA buddies, can nor should 'force' it.
Stand your ground...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow. Chris, I have read both your posts today and I too am dumbfounded by your situation. You have handled it flawlessly. He sounds really terrifying. You did absolutely right to refuse that they come to your home. I would call the police again if they did. Also, if you had let them come over, it will make him think that he CAN get away with doing such horrific things and still be let back in. I used to work at a battered women's shelter as a volunteer, and let me tell you, they may say sorry, they may say they don't mean it, they ALWAYS say it will never happen again. But it always does. Keep looking out for yourself. You are doing a GREAT JOB. Bravo.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
Chris I go to AA and I have never heard of such a thing.
It doesn't sound like a group of recovered people. I would be careful that this isn't just a bunch of drinking buddies.
Please be careful.
My AA group is helping me get away from my A. Someone said to me just last night... AA people love to help Alanoners because it is a way for them to make ammends.
Josey
-- Edited by jrtjosey at 15:18, 2006-02-17
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Chris, It sounds as though you have set your boundries, stick to them.Nothing this man seems to be acceptable behavior to me,that's my opinion.
It sounds as though your A is trying to manipulate you and others, and you do not have to be a part of it. I am in AA and Al-anon and no one should ever force someone to do anything they don't want to do. My alcoholic husband who is in state ordered treatment has a terrible problem with anger, he has had to take many anger management programs.I have to deal with my issues, which I have...let him deal with his. Please seek help for you.
Thank you all So much for your replies and words of encouragement. This really is a horrible time for me and the love and good advice from this room is awesome.
It's not just a group of drinking buddies...this is the actual AA group here and they are all obviously recovering A's. This was from my A's previous sponsor who has 3 years sobriety to date. He is the only one who my A can really relate to and says that my A reminds him so much of who he was when he was drinking.He even said this sort of thing happens in his house regularly and it's normal and no big deal.
I think part of the problem here may be that domestic violence isn't seen as a big deal and seems to be regarded as pretty normal and acceptable.Well,I don't accept it period!!!!Nor do I accept being threatened with it.
The AA guys here are good to me and have never turned me away when i needed to get advice before I found alanon. However they do say that no Turkish man will ever get involved in anything domestic as it's a big no-no here and what goes on in the home stays in the home. The tendency seems to be if the wife complains she deserves to be punished for humiliating her husband. It's definitely a man's world kind of attitude.
My fear is that if thats the kind of advice he is being filled with...I'm on a hiding to nowhere fast!!!!
I'm not allowing this meeting to take place at all!!! I told them I wanted to think about how I felt about it...and I dont want it.I guess the phone call took me by surprise and I really didn't expect to be put in this position by them. Looks like I'm the bad guy .....AGAIN!!!!!
Good for you to stand up to them and say you don't want them coming to your house. I wouldn't either. You are not wrong in saying that. Your situation sounds terrifying and you shouldn't have to go through that again. I think it's terrible when a person like your A does that someone else (threatens, scares them, etc.), but then says "I didn't mean to do this". That doesn't change the fact that the other person was terrified. It's not right. You shouldn't have to live like that. A's are such messed up, selfish people!
You did well - it is hard to to knuckle under when the "experts" tell you how things should be done.
This sounds like it is a Turkish thing - I have never heard of it before. I have however, heard from long-term alanons, wives of As, how their husbands 12 step drinkers and bring them home (with the wife's consent). Even the thought of that horrifies me. I could not, and would not, allow my home to be used as a half-way house.
Stick to your guns, I know you will - I worry about you, violence terrifies me, I am so grateful that I never had any experience of that in my marriage.
Reading the other posts, I realise you posted earlier! Must get on and read that one. Hope to see you in chat, later. Keep taking care of you.
I would agree that this is not standard AA practice. Common sense would be that there has to be a cooling off period. I am not sure where the A has to go. At least you are willing to dialogue about it and that must in some way calm his abandonment fears.
It sounds to me like people are trying to force a solution whereas whatever the solution might be has to be approached after a cooling off time not while the crisis is still ongoing. As the A does not have a source of income though sounds like he has backed himself in the corner and you are supposed to rescue him again.
I have rescued the A time and time again in similar situations. I know the pull and I am glad that you are resisting it. I am sure you will feel guilty but I know you will come here and to chat and to meetings to deal with it.
