The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A wife was let go from her job of 14 years in September 2005. After a two week binge she agreed to go to 3 months of rehab. This was the second rehab this year. When she returned in January she returned to drinking again. Now she sleeps in the guest bedroom, wakes up at 9:30 am and just sits around and drinks all day and is usually passed out for much of the day and in bed at 7:00 pm for the night. She will not write a resume, call about a job or leave the house other than to buy more wine.
She is in denial and thinks our marriage is going over a speed bump. I've set my boundaries and dont spend time with her when she is drinking; no diners out, vacations, church (together). Needless to say it is not much of a relationship.
I love her and would like to return to our preivious life together. I think the only way for her to snap out of it would be if she moved out but I don't know how to get her to do it. If I leave the house her self-destructive pattern continues while sit in an empty apartment hating it.
hopefully this time in rehab will do her and you good. not trying to be rude, but there may be something to salvage...there may not.
i am not married to an A, but have plenty of experience with them. my dad used to have a good job and made lots of $$. then he went from drinking with the guys watching football to drinking everyday after work and then to drinking all day! needless to say he lost that great job of (18yrs), and got another one. he lost that one after 2 months b/c he would show up to work drunk and drink on his luchbreak. he doesn't work, lost his home, his car, and our respect. we took care of my dad for a while b/c we couldn't just let him be homeless. but then it got to the point where it was starting to control our life. so we gave him a deadline to when he had to work. he refused. when the deadline was up, my hubbie and i packed all his stuff in a black gabage bag, put him in the car, and drove him to a homeless shelter. it was the hardest thing i ever did.
it didn't have the effect i wanted. my bro picked him up and lived with him. he ended up getting disability b/c he can't stay sober enough to work. that pisses me off, but that is the system.
we eventually reunited with my dad b/c i missed him. my hubbie and i payed his bills with his $ b/c he could never remember to pay them. we got tired of that after a year, and told him he was on his own. so now my bro pays them. oh well
my dad sits in his apartment all day long watching tv, drinking, passing out, and the next day it starts all over again.
things will never be the same as it was before.
and as far as an A destructive behavior, if they don't want to stop, they won't. the sad thing is that it hurts us.
flintfeet
**sorry i got out of control, but i kept thinking my dad would snap out of it (like you feel), but he never did. part of me still has hope that one day he'll wake up, but i think i am just kidding myself.
**try to keep your spirits up and focus more on yourself. do what makes you happy.
I'm in a similar situation with my wife of 14 years. If you wife is so self consumed, maybe you can make a list of things you can do for you. Join a bowling league, something fun. If she wants to sit in a stupor you don't have to sit and watch.
You obviously love her and it hurts to see them so sick. I don't have any advice on this one, but you must take care of you. If you don't, even if you get the story book ending and she snaps out of it and gets sober, you won't be worth living with. I let myself get pretty jacked up and I am trying to fix that now.
Keep posting
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
If she's not working, how is she feeding her addiction? Do you still give her access to the finances? YOu may need to think through that whole ugly scene. I had much the same issue, and ended up putting my wife on a strict "allowance" per se, and gained control of all the money. She no longer had a bank card or a credit card, so she was pretty much dependant upon the allowance to buy anything. Of course, I was called every name in the book, controlling, etc., etc., but she had reached that same point, and we were getting devastated financially.
Just a thought...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
