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Right now I am trying to save my 14 yr old son from this god awful disease. I see so many things in him of his dad. Some good and some scare the hell out of me. Right now he is so very angry at all the stuff he has been thru, and who could blame him. He is unfortunately taking is anger out the the wrong ways: at school any way he can, totally disrespecting his teachers and his classroom. Fighting with calssmates, arguing about every little thing with his sister and just plain angry.
I am trying to help my son but, am at a loss. It is so very different being the spouse of an A and the child of an A and after all he is just a child. He has always been the most respectful kid until now. Will shake your hand when he meets you. Has always respected me, his coaches, his teachers. Was a B student and now a D and E except in math.
He has told me he is scared every day that his dad will drink again, who chould blame him dad has been to rehab enough. Anyway just asking for some advice and if anyone knows of ways to help him please let me know.
I am hurting so very much for my son and basically he is a good kid.
Hi Andrea (())) first of all I feel so much for you as I am a mother of two boys 20 and 17 so I know what it is like when they are struggling with their emotions. Being a 14 year old is very hard you don't really get classed as an adult and you are trying to break free from being a child. I know that alateen is supposed to be fantastic but I think he would probably be against joining because of the frame of mind he is in. I know that my boys would not have been receptive to it. Can you get some literature on it and just leave the stuff lying around in the toilet or next to the computer where he is going to see it. Maybe even something like you just leave a peace of paper with the web site on it and then he can access it privately without you knowing it. My son was working away 2 weeks at a time when he was 16 and was constantly wiping himself out with alcohol when he came back into town. He ended up living in our town permanently because he was not coping with the isolation but even then because there is nothing to do he was being brought home by the police for street drinking. Luckily we as parents here all have a good relationship with them because it is a small country place. I was constantly worried that he was going to turn out like his Dad and hit the grog whenever there was a problem. I am happy to say that 6 months down the track he has his drivers licence, drinks a lot more sensibly and the police (touch wood) have not been to visit for a long period. We also have a drug and alcohol counsellor that visits town once a month and they are available for anyone - teenagers included to talk through family problems with alcohol. They even come to your house if you prefer that. Not sure if you have that option where you are but that is another avenue. Try to get to some meetings ftf if possible because you can then let out some of your own emotions and you will probably find others in the same boat who can help out with solutions. Online chat meetings are very supportive also as you do have to look after your own needs as well. Stay in touch so we know how you are getting on. Luv Leo xx
my son did the same stuff at 14. I was in denial, did not see it for what it was, drugs.
the flags are all there, grades, disrespect, anger.
If your son is into anything, skateboards, snow boarding, biking, basketball, drama reading anything... do whatevert you can to support it. I mean it, this is about the most important thing you can do.
my son plays guitar, I made sure he had a motorcycle and took him all over to ride it He did go on a bad path and I got his rear into survival backpacking. It changed his life HE is a great man now.
I almost lost him. hung on by a thread. Mother and I did not let go.
Your boy is just starting to blow it, LOVE HIM keep him alive. be tough. He needs routine and rules, he needs you to set boundaries and stick to them . HE needs to know you are strong and will not put up with any bs no matter what You won't be popular, but it is our job to be strong for them
they are scared to death, comes out like anger. fourteen on up is so hard. in their world It is a bombardment of sex, drugs, trying to find out who the heck they are, what they want....
call when he is staying somewhere else, always meet parents, always be in his space. I mean it, it is a matter of life and death.
I have worked in the schools, I have two grown kids who's friends came to my house.
believe me, you are in for a tough time, but you have a chance to keep him ok.
don't cut him any slack, don't believe him. check on him!!!!
Love him, make sure heknows ya do. ignore what he says, watch what he does.
Andrea, this is deja vu for me. I would suggest you seriously listen to what debilyn says. My ex is a recovered A. He drank until my kids were 13 and 15 respectively. The damage was done by then. My daughter (13) got into all kinds of drugs and the behavior that went with it. I thought the anger and acting out was part of adolesence. It wasn't, it was drugs. My son got into drinking. Both kids were heavily involved in all kinds of activities, scouts, soccor, baseball, softball, private school. I was heavily involved in all of their activities and school. Don't know what I could have done different. Probably nothing. Now 14 years later, my daughter has been in rehab for 11 days. My son quit drinking 2 1/2 years ago.
(((((((((Andrea)))))))) You and your son are in my thoughts.
This might sound trite right now, but I believe that the single biggest thing you can do for your son, is to simply love him. He needs to know that he is safe, that things will be okay, and that you will always love him. Teenagers, even when they are raging or acting out, are watching us very closely... He is likely to model behaviors that he sees in those closest to him.... If, in you, he sees a Mom who is trying her best, has a program of recovery for herself, and practices what she preaches - then you at least have a fighting chance. Hopefully you are in Al-Anon, and doing the things, for YOUR recovery, that give your boy at least one parent with whom he can find a positive role model.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Now that my 3 sons are out of the house, I realize that you really can't save your kids from alcoholism, growing up in an alcoholic family, and life itself. These other posts give some sage advice. Rules are good, activities are good. In our large family many of us have gone to therapy and the insights have been very helpful. For our sons in their teenage years they let go of me and became angry and argumentative with me and started to turn more towards there dad. Even though their dad is sober, he really couldn't be there for them emotionally. But boys are wonderful creatures and no matter what enjoy the journey.
Andrea - I agree with all the information provided you. I will tell you that I was in the same situation as your son. My mother was going to Al-Anon and didn't sugar coat what my dad's drinking had effected in all of our lives. To be honest I didn't know anything out of the ordinary was going on at the time. Dad drinks... had my whole life. I was a typical teenager and drank off and on to excess through college. But, I noticed things in my life would be effected by my own drinking. I even became worried when I realized I could drink 4 times what everyone else could and not loose control.
At first I only worried that it cost me 4 times as much as everyone else to acturally get drunk. Big deal for a dead broke college student. LOL
I think my mothers honesty helped (didn't control) my own outcome. You can't force them to make the right decission, but regaurdless of what they tell you, they will hear what you say. Hopefully they will remember it when they need it most.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I would only add one thing and that is to get the school involved if they aren't already. I teach in the middle school, work with kids your son's age. It is a difficult age and parents need all the help they can get. So often we (parents) feel like we are trying to save our child all by ourselves. At our school we have child study meetings where the student's teachers, the school social worker, parents and the student get together as often as necessary, but usually at least once a month. We brainstorm ideas to help the child, we discuss the student's grades and keep the parents informed of the student's progress and behavior. The student is in on these meetings and is seeing that there are a lot of people who care about his/her success and want to do whatever they can to help them be successful. It takes committment from the parents, teachers and others and it is not a quick fix, but I believe that it can make a difference if everyone hangs in there. The meetings need to be regular and consistant, each subsequent meeting is scheduled at the end of the current meeting. You, as a parent can approach your son's school and request or demand, if necessary, these meetings. Sometimes parents need to be assertive and be their child's strongest advocate to get the ball rolling. Good luck and God bless!
maybe the music issue can help him. Believe me I am a former music critic if they are going to do music they need to be uber focused. All those stories of musicians who drug themselves are not necessarily true. If they were drunk and drugged out they do not make it for long in an industry that is very very focused. Perhaps you can help him to focus on what he wants. I think it is incredible that he wants to do anything.
I would think that this issue brings up a lot for you in the abandonment by the A. Here once again you are single parenting. How can you take care of you in that? I would imagine it bring sup a lot for rage and feelings of abandonment. They are a constant theme with me and I do not have children!
Thank you Kitty have tried that avenue no help. School has dropped the ball so I will pick it up and get him some private counseling. His grades are bad but will find an outside toutor.
