The material presented
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I need a little help here. I feel I am doing well following my program, and learning how to cope with my resentments and fears. Except I continue to be stuck on this same resntment. I collected music, every kind style form etc. Last year in the worst part of my A's relapse/breakdown (I'm not sure what to call it since I don't know if he has stopped using or not or had been stopped prior to it) he was stealing my collection one piece at a time and selling it. When I found out I tried to protect it without success. I made the decision to sell it myself. My best guess is 20,000 dollar value went out of my hands for less than 1,000 by the time he had already taken the most valuable pieces. I started this collection at 15 when I had disposable income. When I think of trying to replace even a fraction of it I cry. Listening to the radio has become TORTURE, hearing him sing particular songs is beyond torture. in my head it is like his voice is intentionally rubbing it in that I lost this thing I loved, this thing that made me happy. I know I am doing this to myself, I have released it to my HP I have asked for it to be taken from me, I have asked to be able to enjoy music again. I'm trying to think of any way to make amends to myself because I know he is not capable of it, so I can move on from this painful place so far nothing has come to me on how to. Are there resentments that will never go away? Am I failing my program by not being able to find peace in this area? There was so much more to this collection that just being a material possession, virtually every memory of my life was arrached to it in some way. I do not want this resentment to make me lose the love I had that started my collection but it is. any ESH would be appreciated. Thank you.
Jennifer
PS Thank you for the prayers and best wishes on my eyes, I am down to size 14 in type and bold it is getting a little better
did u say needed big letters to be able to read this? hope Iunderstood that correctly.
I just wanted to let u know that I had to literally runaway from my ex(addict) husand on vacation... he never would have "allowed" me to separate from him or walk out of the door w/ dignity. After 4 yrs & 2 months of abuse, I went home to 'mother's while we were vacationing together... it happened spontatneously, by the grace of God, I got away/out.
In PA possession is 9/10ths of the law, since I left the 'marital domicile' legally I was NOT entitled to my things. Out of spite this man - to hurt me anyway he could - kept what I had been collecting my 32 yrs of life. Over 500 cd's, Barbie dolls that were 100-200/piece given to me by mother for xmases, I had at least 20 of them. A few months b4 we had gone back to Kauai'i for the second time, I brought $1100 to buy hawaiian shirts & sarongs & jewerly - kept all of that, all of the crystal/china my grandparents gave me & every other wedding gift, 8MM baby films of me learning to ride bikes, dance recitals, xmases w/ my g/ma in them (@ least 12 movies that I had just begged my mother to send for over half a year), all of my 3 wardrobes, make=up, jewelry passed down from Aunts, old b/f's & g/ma.
I left 6 yrs ago. I thought I had forgiven him. This passed Sept I fell rund own & ill for over a month (I had not been sick in 15 yrs) this really scared me, God told me to rest ~ well I had been sleeping 12-15 hrs a day but my mind was still obsessing. God said rest I knew this meant to stop metnally & relax completely. The second day in bed, I heard my consciousness saying "I don't forgive him, her ruined my life" & for the first time in 6 yrs, my awareness was there & I heard my own thought.
So I spent about 2 hours, recalling every piece of a beloved item of mine & gave each one individually from my heart, to his as an act of love (gifts of love are given freely, w/ no expectation in return), after doing that, I prayed to be able to forgive him completely, offering up to God, willingly & freely my resentment/unforgiveness for HP to have. I felt releived. I truly DID forgive him.
In a matter of days after 5 weeks, my temp popped back up to normal after hovering around 91* the entire time & I slowly got my strength back.
Since I forgve him completely for everything he ever stole from me... I became freed, happy & was well. Saince than I have had many miracles occur in my life, almost daily since.
My ESH, it was how I did it!
love, -Kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
LOL to you. Your post made me think of all those things that are precious to me - material possesions and my eyesight. It made me think what I would feel if I lost those things. I can understand your resentment. I am still hanging on to many resentments towards my husband. All I can offer is what some Native American tribes say which is don't be greedy. You should have very few possessions and only have what you need. And in Alanon they tell us fake it until you make it.
I too have struggled over the past 4 years of things my "a" has pawned so he can buy alcohol and marijuana and whatever else he wants. He has no respect for material possessions that are important to me or himself. I think about those things sometimes and say to myself, that really makes me mad that i gave with a good heart and he stomped all over it by pawning it. I will not be buying anything of importance for him again. As for me, some of my things can be replaced some cannot. Right now, I'm happy to be alive and have the things that I need the most. My mind, my family, my children, my job, my home. I have so much to be thankful for, and I believe my HP has lots more blessings to send my way. It's helping me make peace with all the things I've lost.
Maybe try to do something special in memory of your music, just for you. Create a beautiful way to say goodbye to what you had but maybe new music will inspire you again with new memories. Just a thought...
Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Yes, I can relate to your problem. When I was married to my ex, he was a dry drunk...with the controlling, manipulative behavior of an addict, but never drank. He was a compulsive liar and he never could even see that. He always thought that what he said was the truth.
When my daughter was about 5, I designed a houseplan to build a house in the country on land his family had owned for several generations. My husband and I pretty much built it all, except for subbing out some of the stuff, i.e. basement. I was the one who picked out every little thing for the house as far as decorating was concerned. I painted every inch of the interior of that house. I painted all of the wood trim on the windows. I helped cut and lay raw poplar wood flooring, then sanded and refinished three times to get it looking good. I tiled the kitchen countertops, the island top, the bathroom and laundry room floors. I picked out the appliances for it. I planted the beautiful flowers and shrubs around the house. It was a beautiful, large country house with a long front porch.
When my daughter was 10, I divorced him, for all the lying and controlling he was doing. I bought a tiny house for my daughter and me. I cried when I moved in, because I missed all of the material things from the other house and the house itself. I thought, how materialistic of me to feel that way. But what I was mourning, I think, was the "home" I had made, my domain, where I should have felt safe and secure. I was also mourning what I thought I should have had in a marriage, what I actually did NOT have.
It took me about a year or so to get over that. Now the house is "home" to him and his new wife and small daughter. (He wouldn't move out when we were divorced, and I couldn't afford the house payment - he bought me out.) Sometimes I get resentful that SHE is enjoying MY old house, and what I chose for the house. But then I also think that she also has him to contend with, and I am ok with it all! Hehehe! By the way, she let the plants die, and the house looks awful from the road! All dried up and just a bunch of dirt!
Give yourself permission to grieve it all you want. You will find that time will ease the pain, although it doesn't feel like it right now. I know it's painful, but with your program and your HP, it will get better.
I am really humbeld by the shares here because destruction of stuff is one of the A's things. He has crashed two cars in 5 years and remains in tremendous denial about the damage he does. I am scared to get something lest he break it. He has tremendous temper tantrums much like my father did. In many ways his temper, his attitude and his entitlement issues he is much like my father. The grief over material stuff is nevertheless grief. I once had a favorite scarf I lost when I moved out from an abusive room mate and had no where to go. I still grieve that scarf on many levels. The price of living around dysfunctional people is way way way too high.
I am more and more convinced the only way forward is to find ways to be on my own. I may not be able to afford much then but at least I would be guaranteed it would not get destroyed by someone else's temper.
