Yesterday just got better and better for me.  My "a" phoned me at work just before I was ready to leave and says, Hey I had a thought, why don't I move back in for a week, save up money and then the boys can help me move into my new place.  He said don't you think that would help them transition better?  I said " No I don't, I said ya know I just don't want to be that controlling bitch anymore, I don't want to be someone you loathe to be around."  I said I think its better for the boys and me that you don't move back in with us not even for a week.  He got mad but did not holler and said "well I guess I need the names of those shelters".  I did get involved a little, I called the shelters but they were full and then I called two friends and left voice mails saying he needed a place to flop.  (that is the behavior I want to change).  Last night I came home and began reading more of Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie and the light bulb went off.  It's not my responsibility to make him see the light anymore, and its not my responsibility to set him straight.  It's my responsibility to help myself see the light and set myself straight.  If that is true; which I believe it is, I don't have to waste energy convincing him that his drinking is causing him so many problems for his life.  If losing your partner and your family because of drinking and bad choices isn't proof enough than I don't know what is. 

I felt a sense of relief come over me last night and made up my mind that I don't have to let his chaos and crap affect my life anymore.  He can choose to get back to program and make his changes if he wants to, but if he doesn't I can choose to leave him right where he is.  There was such peace in me last night, I slept like a baby. 

This morning when he phoned, he was irritated but not angry.  I can tell he doesn't agree with me but I told him that my behavior and your behavior mixed was a toxic combination.  I let him know that his choices were not good for me, and I no longer have to control what he does.  I was happy and courteous.  It was the first time I stood up for myself and he didn't have something sarcastic or mean to say back.    This weekend I am going to a workshop for Women with a couple girls from work.  I haven't done something like that for myself in 4 years.  My life is waking up again and I think I'm liking this.  The pain creeps back a little, but not like the agonizing heart wrenching pain I had this weekend.  So hey, maybe I'm growing a little!! 

Another good blessing of news today, as some of you know my little ones have been under treatment for the last seven months for T.B.  I finally found a Pediatric I.D. doctor and he did a review of their history and basically said they don't need treatment any more!! He believes the bacteria was expelled when the lymph nodes errupted on their own.  He said just watch their lymph nodes, diet, exercise, etc. and if another one comes back he would refer us to a pediatric surgeon to remove the lymph node and the bacterial growth.  My heart is relieved.  Thank you to all for your prayers I know with out this message board and my family I never would have gotten through this.    It a good day!!

Twinmom~