The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wonder sometimes if I should go to an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting. My a is my boyfriend, but my father was one too. (And a Freudian psychologist. The irony is painful.) The thing is, my a is trying to get sober, slipping here and there. But I never thought of myself as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic because he was sober when I was born and stayed that way until the day he died. He had 29 years sobriety at that time. Yet at the same time, he had many "a" qualities still. He also had multiple personalities, which would cause him to scream and yell at me one day and then the next (or five minutes later) not remember that it had ever happened. I couldn't work thinks out with him or get an apology because he would cycle through personalities and one wouldn't know what the other had done. Now, my a goes through the occasional rampage when drunk (breaking things in public places, getting in fights) and then can't remember it the next day. I worked out most of my issues with my dad before he died and I can honestly say I don't feel any resentment anymore for him. I think that he did the best he could with the tools he had. But since this seems to be a repetative thing in my life, it seems certain that I am contributing to it somehow. Thoughts?
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
Painthinnr....wow! That must have been life changing for you to deal with growing up. I am a acoa. My dad's drinking changed who I am as a person. I am still learning but I know I am attracted to men who act just like my dad. That subconciously it feels familiar and I do not realize that I am attracted to the chaos and bad behaviors. My sister told me once...have you ever met someone and felt like you had known them your whole life? I said yes....she said then run! So to answer your question...yes I think you would benefit from reading and finding our more about the adult child.
There is an acoa group here you could go over there and see if you relate.
I know I am around people who remind me of my parents until I become able to work on my issues with my parents. It does not come overnight.
I am currently working on my adolescent issues in therapy. I am middle aged.
I think our feelings can change and evolve over time. I was not angry with the peodphile who abused me for years. I felt tremendous affection for him. Now I hate him. I think anyone who crosses a line with children is totally responsible for their actions and I would not have anything to do with him on any level.
I know my deprivation and feeling of isolation and abandonment contributed to my being wiht an A. I did not set limits, did not feel self worth and excused a great deal of behavior.
