The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
... if you can't make me happy we may as well break it off.
Best I can offer her is, that I am trying to keep myself sane and that may not include keeping her entertained. "I love you but you have a drinking problem that you are not ready to deal with, and it is effecting our lives and how we live it."
I asked her what her real thoughts were about splitting up since this is the 20th time she's mentioned it in the past year. The only thing she could come up with is she didn't know how she would react seeing me with someone else. "The kids can handle it, kids with divorced parents do just fine as long as the parents are loving to them." True enough I guess, but seemed a little cold to me.
I can look back on 40 years and just about every heart wrenching thing that has ever effected my live has been the work of addiction.
My Father was a serious A and thankfully has been sober for the past 20 years. A year or two after he stopped drinking (because he nearly died of A poisioning), I realized that he was virtually invisable during my childhood. He's a good friend to me now.
My favorite Uncle "the cool one you know", was a heroin addict. I watched him slowly decentigrate growing up and drive my sainted grandparents insane floating in and out of rehab and prison. He lives with my folks now and his body and mind are all but destroyed.
Now the person who I chose to spend my life with has been infected.
I am glad I found this board. If this is the route we go with our marriage I think sounding out things here might just help me make it through.
I have only been reading here a short time, but I see some very bright and caring folks out there. Thank you for being you and being here.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
The real issue is that it is not your job to make her happy. Just as you can't "make" her stop drinking, you can't make someone feel any one way. She has to think about what would make her happier and take steps to get there. I am currently reading "the art of happiness" by the Dalai Lama, which is very helpful on the subject. Basically, compassion and appreciating what you have are the keys. So while you might be a piece that she can be grateful for and appreciate, which would contribute to her happiness, you cannot do it for her. You are partners, there to stand together, not have one hold the other up. Because she will not feel good about herself if she can't have some sense that she is with you because she loves you, not out of dependency. Lots of anger gets created that way.
Have you asked her what specifically you could do to make her happier? (Note to frame it positively. It might be a productive discussion.) The other thing is, make sure you appreciate her. Warts and all. The essence of her, under this disease. This will make you both happier in the long run.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
Hello rt, welcome to our site. I hope u will consider finding time for Al-Anon meetings for yourself they will help alot to understand just what it is that u are dealing with. U will learn to deatch with love from the behavior of the alcoholic which will give u more time to focus on your recovery . There is nothing u can do about her drinking but alot ucan do for yourself.
Being unhappy seems to go with this disease , we try so hard to please ,turn ourselves inside out thinking that we are the problem. We are not the reason they drink - nothing we do or say will make them start or stop. This is a disease and it is progressive unfortuantly we get sicker as well. we are the enablers we believe the lies accept unexceptable behavior , cover up thieir m istakes and lie for them to others while trying to keep the secret of what is really going on in our homes. until we stop doing those things nothing will change. Nothing changes til someone changes.
the toll fre number for al anon info is 1-888-4alanon please call for all of your sakes , there are no guarantees here to save marriages but it does promise to return some sanity to our lives. good luck Louise
PS there is a chat room here that u may find helpful open 24-7 at the bottom of this page there is a link to the al anon chat and meeting room . hope to see u there soon that will be a great filler til u find f2f meetings. don't give up yet there is always hope.
I read your discussion although not married long as you and no kids from relationship I am not only dealing with an alcoholic but a crack addict (which surfaced this summer and got out of control by October) although I have no in person meetings to go to I need support as I am having hard time believing that alcohol and drugs make people say or do things they wouldn't normally??? Maybe have to be high or drunk to speak truth like you know false courage??
I don't know any answers seeking myself because my hurt and self-esteem right now are totally battered.
You are right and wrong... Alcohol and drugs don't necessarilly make anyone say anything in particual, but the addiction to either of these and the presence of it can make them say outlandish things because of underlying guilt or denial or fear as I am learning.
Continue to post here. There are many very supportive people. Many have suggested the chat, but I have not tried it yet.
Take care of you...
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
In al-anon we call an a's penchant for drama talking to the disease. If you go to meetings and hear other people share their recovery you will learn many many things about detaching and learning when the disease is present.
I do think it is tragic to deal with alcoholism and drug addiciton. At the same time it is everywhere. I do not know that I necessarily chose to deal with it. I think it was an insidious thing for me. My current counselor thinks both my parents were addicts on some level. One was addicted to food they both used substances to manage their feelings. I need this group to help me manage mine around an active alcoholic.
There are many many tools that can help you and you can learn them here. One is to detach. Another is to monitor your own behavior and your own involvement with the A. We can get into the rejection they give us which is in some ways for them an attempt to manipulate. If you do not respond they give it up sometimes.
I am glad that you are here. I hope you will dive in. I did and I found tremendous relief.
