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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Tigers Are Not Good Pets
Post Info TOPIC: Tigers Are Not Good Pets
Advocate_For_Steve


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Tigers Are Not Good Pets
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Hello, friends!

Something that's been on my mind, that I hope will be helpful in sharing (in the hopes of getting your feedback):

My A is currently my fiance; we've been together for almost a year and a half. Her addiction is inactive, and has been for six months now. However, shortly after we became engaged, her alcoholism manifested itself and became progressively worse until this past March, when I finally and abruptly left the relationship, and moved out.

I found Al-Anon, and began my recovery journey, on March 26 and it has changed my life. My AF began going to AA soon thereafter, as well as accompanying me to Al-Anon mtgs, and in a short amount of time (arguably too short, but who's really to say) we were back together.

I continue to work very hard every day on my recovery, and with the help of an outstanding sponsor I'm proud of the progress I'm making. My AF is also doing well, hasn't progressed as quickly but that's her life & her program.

Even though my relationship status is "engaged" - and even though the number of these ensuing "sober months" is nearly equal to the previous "drunk months" - I find that I'm faced wtih a daily fear that I haven't been able to shake as of yet. I feel as though the ugly hurt, abuse, mistrust, and overall damage I felt to our pre-recovery relationship will always stain the canvas of our post-recovery relationship. My AF has a disease, and although she is earnestly working the steps and I see some genuine improvement in her, she will always have that disease; the ability to return to those dishonest, destructive ways is in her, a tiger crouched in the bushes which could strike at any time.

My story isn't the worst story among us, friends. I'm aware that some have it far worse than I did. However, I will not, ever, in any circumstance, live through what I lived through again.

That's where the title of this post comes from. I wouldn't ever want to have a tiger, lion, gorilla, etc, for a pet. They're beautiful animals, truly some of God's most magnificent creations, but they cannot be domesticated. Even if you raise a tiger from a little cub, and it's never spent a day out in the jungle, in its mind and heart it's still a wild animal. It has the same wild animal instincts as its jungle cousins, and at any time that part of the animal can activate, and it can harm, maim, or even kill. Even a domesticated wild beast doesn't know its own strength, and even in calm moments can accidentally swipe with claws or muscle which can render irreversible damage.

My fear is for the future, and yes I'm aware that that's projecting...but personally I feel that it's also protecting. A pet tiger can harm with no prior warning, as can the disease of alcoholism, right? My greatest fear in my relationship - the feeling that holds me back at present from fully "giving" as I gave before, in the throes of the disease - is that this could all happen again at a moment's notice. It's caused me to love with one foot out the door, which isn't fair to either one of us. Are my fears over-reactionary, unwarranted?

I hope this has helped someone reading along, and that others with experience in this area will share. Thank you, I pass!



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Luiza


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Nice post. I am not deep in my program yet and I am new to Al-Anon. I am also separating from STBXAH so probably not in a very good place to talk about relationship. But knowing what I know now about alcoholism and after what I have gone through in my marriage, I can certainly say that I would never keep a romantic relationship with an A (unless his is called pinkchip lol). The worries about the probability of my 7 year old be an A herself is enough for me. Looking forward to other people's input.

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Spur


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I'm also new to the program so I'll speak of experience.

I've known more A who can't stay sober than those who have. I've been trapped in my marriage because I fear a judge giving visitation rights or half custody to my AH and that would be a nightmare. 

But you know what, even if your AF wasn't an A, you're having doubts and that is telling you something. Love and marriage should mean you each are giving 50% of yourselves. You've seen your A when she's using, and she's all about her and you are nothing. That could be your future if you stay with her. We have no control over them and their actions. You need to decide if that's a risk worth taking.



-- Edited by Spur on Thursday 18th of September 2014 11:47:51 AM

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KennyFenderjazz


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Hi AFS,

You are right, there is always the possibility of relapse. When my wife came out of inpatient therapy we made a plan for what would take place if she relapsed. So even the rehab recommended there be a plan.

In AA they live one day at a time just like we are advised to do. There is no guarantee what will happen tomorrow. Your fiancé could stay sober forever, or she could relapse just before the wedding day. Who knows? Nobody knows.

It is up to you what you do here, but if you truly will never ever live through what you have already lived through, then be prepared for that with a plan. And the plan doesn't have to be divorce, it could be just physical separation. Or it could be divorce.

Basing your future on an alcoholic not relapsing is not a realistic idea at all.

Kenny




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NL14


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Welcome. This is such a great analogy--the pet tiger. Yes, an A, in recovery or not, can always bite. From what I've seen in my family and heard and read, recovery is rare, relapse is common...even a dry drunk will "bite". I can't really comment on your situation, but I have to say I'd be very, very reluctant to commit to someone I knew had struggled with alcoholism...if I had it to do over again. Good luck to you!

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deacon


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Kind of think that this fear you have, which is very justified, is going to colour your partnership forever. If you cannot live with that, then now is the time to bail , not after you are married with children and legal complications . Right now your decision will affect only you and her- later, as the above posters said, there are complications. And btw, if she says that your leaving her will drive her back to drinking, that is not your burden to carry, it is her's.

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Debilyn


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This is perfectly natural. The thing is, for me, what I went thru almost killed me, I would never go back even if he was ten years on program.

You are right, relapse is part of it all. And yes it is very scarey. My AH and I would be going along fine, he was active too, then he would say or do something and my stomach would drop cuz the bad guy was back.

MIP al anon taught me skills how to deal with it, so I learned to love and accept him as is at all times.It was me who adjusted and compromised. Till he got horribly abusive...

It may be if she did relapse with your al anon skills it could be different. It will depend on you how you can readjust and compromise, if you still feel happy.

I would never have kids with an A, knowing what I do now.

So I invite you for now to take ONE day at a time. And realize yes she can get sick anytime. I appreciated every moment I had with my AH at the end.

Hugs!



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hotrod


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I agree completely

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THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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grateful2be


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I truly don't think I'd marry an A again because my own issues could get in the way of our being happy as a couple. That doesn't mean I might not date someone who has been in recovery for a lot of years but it does mean that I would make sure my finances and assets were mine and that my partner's were theirs alone, too. There would be no co-mingling of assets, liabilities or finances if I could avoid it.

On the issue of children for those being young enough to have them, I'd want to be aware that this is a genetic disease that can get passed on to our children. Recognizing that one or more of my children could have this disease is also something I'd consider before I married an A if I was considering it.

One more thing that I know now that I didn't know when I was younger is that there can be a latent drug addiction on top of the alcoholism for my loved one. This addiction can get triggered innocently by surgeries, dental work or pain meds issued due to an injury. Alcohol in mouthwash can be a trigger for the disease.  There is a lot to know prior to marrying a person with the known disease of alcoholism or alcoholic tendencies.

Those three things: Finances, deciding whether I wanted to risk bringing a child into the world with this disease, and knowledge of triggers that can set off yet another addiction or dependency in my loved one are all things I didn't consider or even know to consider before marriage. I'd want to make sure I set in motion things I needed to do to take good care of myself and any children prior to my marriage and I would definitely get into the Al-Anon program for life - whether or not my partner was active. Not everybody chooses an A for a mate. My issues made our meeting inevitable for me.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 18th of September 2014 02:47:57 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 18th of September 2014 04:03:26 PM

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pinkchip


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Steve - I would not marry someone that new in recovery. I would wait until she had 3 years or so sober. At that point, you might feel confident that the "recovery AF" is the real one. Yes, even then it is risky - really risky, but at least the odds are more favorable and she will have had plenty of time to really show what recovery looks like for her (provided she makes it to that milestone). It's risky to marry anyone....period. The person could die, get in an accident, develop a disease. I just got married 2 months ago and found out this week my spouse has a degenerative permanent neurological disorder. All the more reason for us to squeeze the joy out of each day. Anyhow, my point to you is that it will help to stay in the moment. Live each day to its fullest for you and in the relationship. If you guys are still together in a couple years, then maybe getting hitched is still a good idea. You will have a much better sense by then.

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Newlife girl


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Recovery is very rare. Statistics prove it is not common. I agree about the tiger analogy. I have learned that a relationship with an addict is chaotic at best.

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bud


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Good awareness!

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likemyheart


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Hello Steve and welcome. I've thought about this scenario, what if my ex came to me saying he'd been in AA and recovery and working on himself etc, would I give him a chance. Yes, I would because my heart still misses the man I fell for, but that chance would include sticking to recovery, proving through actions that he's doing so; and, attending his own Al-Anon meetings, doing his own recovery work as someone whose life is effected by alcohol. On this board alone I can see what benefits there are in Al-Anon for A's and I can see how the 12 steps can benefit any relationship. My other condition would be to feel free to take as much time as needed, no rushing towards the goal of re-marriage, no living together until all parties who witnessed my pain are sure that the change is real and sincere. I'd also do some couples therapy, 12 step based, finding ways to verbally work out problems that arise. Six months sober isn't very long, no reason to dump the relationship but there is everything right in taking as much time as you need to decide which next step you want to take.

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
el-cee


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My ex has been I recovery for almost 2 yrs now. He attends aa and seems to be doing well. However, him and I are triggers for each others symptoms. It seems to be almost physical. After a couple of hours in each others company he gets the poor mes and manipulations and in turn I get self rigbtous and arrogant as well as extremely irritated and bored. Thats just how I feel and I would never, ever get back with him. We both learned that lesson, we dont mix well chemically, were not good for each other and i cant see how we ever could be good for one another. It took me almost 20 years to see it and accept it. Im choosing the straight path now, nice and clear and much easier to navigate.

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PP


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To thine own self be true......Take some quiet time daily in prayer and meditation, the guidance of step 11.  



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