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Okay, my AH left me and my kids, wants to start his life over in another state, when he left here, we had kissed him goodbye, he loved me etc etc. He relapsed out there, decided to not come back blah blah blah...... Anyway, I haven't spoken to him for weeks now because it's so upsetting talking to him, the things he says, i don't know where they are coming from. He became cold, he wanted a divorce, he wanted to start his life over, etc etc. Well he's been trying to communicate through my dad, and he called my dad today and just said nasty things about me. This is so hurtful I don't know what to do or think, it's made me extremely upset. We've been together for 16 years and now all of a sudden he's telling my dad we never got a long from day one, all we've ever done is fight and I'm the reason for his drinking the way he has over the years because all I ever did was argue with him.
Why is he being this way to me? What did I do that has made him change his feelings for me so drastically and make him be so nasty about me like he never loved me before?? I don't see where this is coming from, and it's tearing me apart to hear how he hates me so much and is blaming his drinking on me?????? I don't understand. what did I do?
That's what alcoholics do.... They blame others, for their addiction, and their feelings.... Most of them continue to do so until they finally see through to choose sobriety.
Please educate yourself around this stuff - if you haven't read it already, try reading "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. It will answer a lot of the questions you are pondering, and they are the same ones that most of us have struggled with.
Wherever possible, try your best to concentrate on the "what" questions, as opposed to spending so much time with the "why" questions.
Keep things factual. He IS an alcoholic. He IS sick right now. He IS lashing out at those who love him. He IS running from anything and everything.
Hope that helps, and take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
To add a bit to my post, the last I knew, he was dedicated to his sobriety, that is why he chose to start his life over in another state, because he said he was so committed to never drinking again, and he'd do whatever it took, even if it meant leaving his family. He was going to outpatient rehab and such, but now I wonder if he is continuing with that because like I said, he's suddenly saying I was the reason he drank all those years. I don't know how he could have learned that in rehab, or AA, but who knows, he came to the conclusion through those that he had to leave his family, so I don't know what goes on down in Arizona, but it's way different than the AA and rehab we have out here in Colorado.
I read your post and your reply to my post. I wanted to let you know that my husband was sober for 2 years. He just recently started drinking again. He thinks it's not that big of a deal because he is drinking beer instead of windsor and it's only one or two a day. I think it's more, but that's besides the point. Anyway, reading your post I realized that it's not us who is to blame for their drinking. He doesn't hate you, he hates himself. It's just easier to blame you instead of taking responsibility for his own actions. Don't beat yourself up so much over him right now. You will drive yourself nuts trying to work through that one. I've been there. I actually bashed my head against the counter top one night trying to talk to him. Screaming at him, asking him why he loves the bottle more. What is it that I do or not do to make you happy enough. What is it that the kids do? Explain it to me!!!!! Then I beat my head against the counter top (which I don't recommend because it hurts and leaves a bruise) Until just recently am I starting to understand that it's not me, not the kids, it's HIM. HE is sick and HE needs to accept responsibility for that someday. Until then, I can only make myself healthy and give my kids one well parent. I hope this made some sense.
Me - I think that real happiness will require you get some help with your addiction
A - I don't drink because of any addiction... I drink because you don't care enough to make me happy.
I expect more tonight, since she left her wedding rings on my dresser last night after I went to bed and she passed out on the couch. Based on what I have read here and talking to some Al-anon members here in town, my plan is to listen and as lovingly as I can put together, continue to push that burden of recovery back onto her plate and hope for the best.
Don't beat yourself up. If you abused him for years, you wouldn't care enough to be here asking questions IMHO.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I don't drink because of any addiction... I drink because you don't care enough to make me happy.
Boy, does that ever sound familiar. So I would pull myself together, and try harder to love him more. I'd scrape the bottom of my lovin' barrel, show how much I care for him in every way, and he would say "You loving my so much is oppressive - you need to give me some space". I could not win, because he kept raising the bar, changing the rules, saying the exact opposite Friday of what he had said Thursday. It wasn't until I realized that it really was NOT ME that I started to get some sanity.
The reason none of it makes sense is because they have a mental, (and spiritual, and physical) illness. Yet we keep trying to act as if they are "normal", and wonder why we are failing.
Remember those three "C's" You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it. Hang in there. I have found that I drive myself crazy trying to figure out the "whys" Be gentle with yourself. Work on you. You haven't done anything, seems A's just need somewhere to place the blame, the people closest to them seems to be the most convinent. Hang in there.
Sober sincere recoverying A's do not blame other people for thier drinking . This disease is cunning baffling and powerful and as long as he can blame u for his crappy behavior he dosent have to take responsibility for anything. Dont waste your time trying to justify your life with him , u don't have to explain anything to anyone and I am sure your father didn't believe a word of what he said.
If your husb wants a divorce let him get it no need to put yourself out . Good luck Louise
oh hon i sure know where you are and how hurt you feel deep in your gut.
It is bad enough when they say it to you, but when they say it to others it hurts more.
You know it is the disease talking. I know for me, the time it happened recently, nothing mattered. I did not care why. I was hurt about it period.
He is not him. He is talking crap becuz he is insane from a horrible disease. This person is not the man who spent all that time with you. It is so hard to face.
I HAD to think of me even more. I had to come to a place where He can say what ever he wants. I remember good stuff. How sad he only thinks of bad.
I wish I could hug you and bring you tea. Hate knowing that horrible feeling you had inside.
Don't know what to say. It hurts, I know. Please say in your heart that you choose to remember the good stuff for both of you. I feel I Have to hold the love inside my heart for both of us becuz the disease has poisoned him.
I am so sad for you. God it hurts bad I know.
I hope your dad does not believe any of it. You might want to ask your father not to tell you what the A says. It only hurts you. You might also ask him to block the number he calls from. Or just hang up when he knows it is him. Allowing the disease to talk and cause hurt is enabling the disease.
I've found myself jumping around trying to defend myself to others because of accusations made or inferred by my A. I finally just bit my tongue and feel much calmer. The people he tried to convince may have believed for a moment, but reality shows thru the lies. Even to his family. What is it? Actions speak louder than words, well insanity can't hide itself when it's speaking and acting out at the same time.
Today, if I feel I have to say anything, it's "This is not what I wanted but it is what it is. And my life isn't that bad."
Some of the responses above really made me smile. I asked my A after he left us (and after he just explained how he didn't love ME) What his definition of Love was (we have been married for 13 yrs.) His reply "Someone who makes me happy." I really took that as a slap in the face, geeze I'd spent the better part of our marriage running around jumping thru his hoops just to try to make him happy. I remember going to a minister with a 5 mon. nursing baby and cried how I "just wished I could make my him happy." I love al-anon, it was the first place I was ever told that I couldn't expect any ONE person to fill/satisfy all my emotional needs -- that it was unrealistic and unfair to that person. And that applied to me too, I would never be able to fill/satisfy every single emotional need of any ONE person, it was unrealistic and unfair to me. That was pretty freeing for me.
I'd like to comment that it is NOT your fault your A drinks. I think many of us get "blamed" for our loved ones' addiction because it is easier for them to blame someone else rather than themselves. They ARE to blame, and until they can see that, it will be everyone elses fault but their own.
Most of the time when they say those mean awful things, that is the disease talking. It hurts to hear them say those things, but if we try to remember that it is the result of the disease, and know they don't really mean those things now, sometimes that can lessen the pain. Once they do seek a recovery program and start to get better, they realize these things as well.
The most important thing you can do right now, is to continue working on your recovery. You are what matters most, and the most important. Take it "one day at a time". Things will get brighter for you.
HighTide
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"Taking one day at a time, Brining me one day closer to recovery."
If I have no expectations of my addict, then I'll have nothing to be disappointed about."
I am going through something similar with my A who hasn't drank in 22 years. This is so about the disease but it does hurt anyway. My A moved out, said he wanted a divorce, "it's YOU, never loved you, the marriage never worked, the kids (all over 18) will get over it and so forth. How sick is that?
What is working for me is that I am slowing taking myself out of the situation. In Alanon they say focus on yourself since you can't do much about them. Do you love yourself? Are you doing positive things for you and your kids? If he says he doesn't love you then who loves you and will support you? I have found that even strangers have been so kind and helpful. Try not to stay in the pain too long. Be nice to yourself. Find your HP and us here at Alanon.
It is hard but when you think about what a cunning and insidious disease this is then you know you have to let go at some point. I hear you. We can do this.
In support,
Nancy
PS The responses here are so helpful that I am going to print them for my self.
My dear, he is being this way because he is a practicing alcoholic! That is one of the things they do. He must downgrade you to boost his own self esteem. It doesn't work, but he doesn't know it. To say ugly things to your father aboout you is low. My father would have knocked him on his a** and enjoyed doing it. Hang in there for yourself and the children. Be strong; stand straight and true. Keep yourself above it all.
Best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Does the truth come out I had just left Jan 10 a 4 year live together with an alcoholic and resumed thought long over crack habit? How do you separate the truth from the disease talking???? He said a lot of double talk but the bottom line is I can't blame the alcohol or the crack totally we had issues and then he met a youger woman, gets SSD, has big house, yard and dog and smokes crack also and he left me for her even though he was back and forth before he met heeeeeer and she just sealed the deal so what do I think and feel?????
debilyn wrote: Please say in your heart that you choose to remember the good stuff for both of you. I feel I Have to hold the love inside my heart for both of us becuz the disease has poisoned him.
I married my childhood sweetheart. Nearly sixteen years into our marriage, we divorced so that he could pursue a porn addiction (he'd kept secret for years), pot with a new girlfriend who'd turned him on to it, alcohol, and the new girlfriend. Over the past eight years, he's gone downhill. He can't or won't keep a job. He and the other woman (married) now live with his parents. He receives disability because he's been diagnosed severely bi-polar. He claims to have never really loved me at all. I've been confused about this for the past eight years, feeling like my entire life was just a lie. A few years after our divorce, I remarried (an A, go figure). Still, I can't keep from feeling even sadder about the first man than I do about the second. Your words, quoted above, are a gift to me. They make so much sense.
(Please forgive me if I high-jacked this thread; I don't know the etiquette on this message board yet.)
what did I do?
