The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my parents are divorced (for 6yrs now). my mom left b/c she asked my dad to choose her or drinking. he chose drinking. my mom has no respect for my dad and just has a negative attitude about him.
my dad and i have always been close. but now, i do not have any contact with him b/c of his actions and how he makes me feel. some days i feel great and go on with my life without even thinking of him. then there are those painful days where all i do is worry that he is alone and feeling unloved. i fear for his life b/c he has been hospitalized 2 times and almost died both times (plus he's only 48!). i am afraid he is hurt or needs my help. if he were to die in his apartment tomorrow, no one would know (except the beer drive thru b/c they'd lose good business)until the smell drifted into the hall. i guess that may sound bad to some of you, but it is true.
anyway, last night i felt so bad, that i called my mom about it. she just listened and didn't say much (which i am glad of). she asked me if he died tomorrow if i would feel bad about my decision to detach completely from him. the answer is yes-he's my dad and i love him! i would feel bad knowing that the last words i said to him were "you are going to die alone!" i would feel bad, but i am not willing to do anything about it. my mom thinks i just need to set some rules down=no drinking if we (my hubbie and kids) are coming over or while we are there. no drinking on family occasions. no calling us while he's drunk 10 times a day. but the problem is...i don't want to talk to him!! i don't want to hear his anwers to these rules! i know what they will be and it won't be pretty. i know for a fact that he won't do it, and that will make me feel bad.
so instead i'll try to just look forward to having my next good day that i don't think about him.
i'll count my blessings and try not to think about the things in my life that are not "peachy"
I know how you feel. I feel the same way about my brother. Right now it doesn't seem like there's much hope for him. Maybe some day things will change, but it's not happening right now. I have the same fears as you...that he will die as a result of his drug abuse. I try to detach from him...in theory it makes sense, but pretty hard to do. Our family doesn't have any contact with him while he is using. We tell him we will be there for him when he decides to get help. In the meantime, it's hard to go on with your life and act like everything is okay when you are constantly worried. The one thing I always do whenever I do talk to him, no matter what else has been said, is tell him I love him. Those are always the last words I say to him when I end a conversation. I have two reasons for saying it: 1) because I do love him. 2) In case something bad happens to him then at least I'll know that the last thing I said to him was "I love you." That way no matter what happens I know I will never regret any words I've said to him.
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Just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.
