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Yesterday my A tells me, if someone comes to the door tomorrow answer it. Hmmm.... am I getting a gift or divorce papers? Personally I'm not sure which would be worse. The papers because then I didn't file myself (weird thought huh?) or receiving a gift.
I don't know if it's a codie thing or experience but I'm really uncomfortable receiving gifts sometimes. Especially from immediate family. It makes me feel like now I owe them something and the will want to cash in when I can't or don't want to.
My A also expressed to me yesterday, "I know what I want for valentines day but I know I won't get it, a heard shaped necklaces w/ diamonds like the one I lost or an ipod."
Well today I answer the door, (I peeked outside to know what to expect). She bought me a small arrangment of flowers, a card, a really cute stuffed bear and a small box of chocolates.
The card was sweet had quite a few mentions of initial romance turning into long lasting love. then there were the lines:
I know I can depend on your support and honesty, the patient understanding that you always give to me............and
you are my everything. Happy Valentines Day
Well, of course my wheels turn. In a way it's sounds like she is asking for support and patience. I honestly don't know how much I have. I go through the motions, I don't nag about the drinking anymore. It's hard for me to support because I feel like I can't get any attachment to things getting better cause I'm expecting a let down.
Well I tell her that I hadn't gotten anything yet. Sunday snowed, and after shoveling, taking my son sledding and coming home and making dinner, I was spent. Was going to do it Monday but got called with opportunity to make $75 cash on Monday nite. She told me not to get her anything because she got me something. I said I planned on getting something but only something small, some chocolates or something. We never do anything big on Valentines day cause we are still struggling from Christmas and birthdays in January.
Here reply, not to get her any chocolate because it's not what she wanted. She wanted a necklace or an Ipod. Is this the disease, the immaturity, both? I was able to maintain outward detachment but inside I'm not sure what to think of this.
Have I been programmed to not like getting gifts because they come with expectations ? Am I so tired of giving to others without considering myself that I'm afraid of a that request to follow? Or is it that I know that this is someone going to be used against me? Like it was today.
She has been hounding me for money for her naturalization papers which were lost and need to be replaced for her to get her license. This costs at least $200 just to file the app. She'll buy me gifts and say she doesn't have the money when I've been saying she needs to pay for it from her job. :( So now that she has made these economic decisions, she will try to guilt me into changing mine.
I'd have rather gotten nothing or a day of sobriety. :(
bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I'd have rather gotten nothing or a day of sobriety. :(
Hear Hear!!
Gifts are something we give because we want to. Like sex. We don't have sex cause we feel obligated to (at least I don't) and I don't do valentine's day.
I give whenever the feeling moves me to. Not just on Feb 14. Actually, never on Feb 14. :)
You sure aren't alone. I asked my own other half not to come home today, and am thinking again about another seperation...grrr. Stupid alcoholisim. Destroys the best people. I hoped mine wouldn't be one of em.
"Well, of course my wheels turn. In a way it's sounds like she is asking for support and patience. I honestly don't know how much I have. I go through the motions, I don't nag about the drinking anymore. It's hard for me to support because I feel like I can't get any attachment to things getting better cause I'm expecting a let down." -Bob
Well, I can say not nagging is a positive step, considering it doesn't work anyway. It does sound a bit manipulative on her part, then again she could just be thanking you for the support... who knows what they think, they are sick & this disease is not reasonable or logical! I understand what ur saying about the gifts being given with expectations of a return... these aren't true gifts.
A gift of love is given with no expectations... it is given freely in love, b/c the person wants to give! Just like love itself is... it is a gift freely given from the heart w/out expectations. It is an action, a verb.
What is it we say... expectations are premeditated disappointments? You CAN depend on yourself. But if a gift has a guilty price tag with it, I'm not interested in receiving it either! You can just keep the guilt, I'd rather have nothing. Hey if she thinks her gift was adequate, give it back to her ~ u know how sick my warped lil mind is ~ what can I say? But ti is shi**y to be put in such an uncomfortable situation.
You try so hard & contend with so much everyday... you deserve kudos, praise & recognition for that, not a heavy "gift" hanging over your head. Kinda rude (IMHO) of her to demand something in return... what's the joy in giving to that?
Don't let her manipulate you with guilt, I encourage you to stick to your boundaries! Don't allow her to brin u down, you've been doing so well. I know ur scared about the decision of whether to stay or go (gee, reminds me of an old Clash song!) I forced my ex to file (a) I was out of the county & state (b) I didn't really give a damn what he did, I was so happy to just be away from him! But I certainly can understand ur point about wanting to be the one to take the decisive action.
If I know anything, it is that they try to guilt, anger &/or anxiety you into doing what they want, to get what it is that they want. I'm sorry you're down, I understand all too well what it is like to be neglected, have false & unrealistic expectations put upon you & for family members to try "to buy you."
It sucks! stick to your boundaries, do what's right for you, not what ur manipulated to do.
love ya Bob, _kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Your post reminded me of an anniversary at a time when things were very bad for us - he was getting drunk to blackout stage three or four times a week, waking me up to scream at me, punching holes in the walls, and beginning to get physically abusive (pushing and shoving, etc). For our anniversary I got him a card, said something like "I will always care for you" which was the MOST I could bring myself to say. He was really hurt - "That was so cold..." It's like everything he did to me didn't count - almost like he KNEW he was irrational and made no sense, so he couldn't believe that anyone really paid attention to him.
today is our 5 year anniversary and he was tryin to get me off the couch and into the bedroom, like that is going to fix our problems!?? Held my ground in a nice way that the dogs and I will remain on the couch.
Was not looking forward to today for many reasons. I understand your confusion.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Can really relate...though I didn't get anything this year LOL Every year I use to try so hard in the gift Dept. and would get nothing in return. It is odd that you are "getting" and now she's waiting for the return lol.
Do what you feel like doing. If it's little, it's little. A true gift doesn't have strings attached.
Over the years I was told by my A that he just didn't feel like giving me anything, but would make comments if anyone else ever did anything for me (like friends) So last year on my birthday, I got a card. I couldn't believe it, when he wasn't around I opened it, it said "I know what you need, T.L.C." I thought "Oh, my - he gets it." Open the card, it says "Ten. Less. Candles." I cried. He really thought it was the funniest card. When he asked did I like it, I said calmly - no. He just didn't see how I couldn't find it funny. The A mentality -- sometimes it's off the charts.
I have always hated Valentines Day. For a long time there was no money for any gifts. My husband too seemed to think I should buyt him expensive presents. For a long time I did, and he never had enough to buy me anything in return. I could never make him understand that a $3.00 bunch of flowers and a pretty card would have been more than enough. It was like if he couldn't do anything spectacular, then he would just do nothing at all, but he always expected for himself. Then I was always the selfish one because I would be upset.
I now we are supposed to take care of ourselves and know our own value, but somehow it really stinks on a day when the greeting card companies are reminding us to tell our loved ones how we feel, to have someone just not give a damn. When we love someone we should tell them and more importantly show them everyday, not just once a year. But I know my feelings do get a little hurt on holidays and birthdays, when he just can't be bothered to make the effort.
Like someone else posted, it gets harder to buy cards for him each year. Just can't bring myself to lie in a greeting card. Can't tell him how wonderful he is or dependable or anything else positive. I just stick to cards that say to the man I married, I love you. It is all that is true.
I have an idea, someone should come up with greeting cards for alcoholics. Wouldn't be too pleasant, but at least would be honest.
Gift giving has been super loaded for me for years. I stopped giving to the A for Christmas and birthdays my resenment got too toxic. Right now that feels right to me. Giving up expectations means more. I am working hard to unentangle myself. Right now not giving gifts is appropriate for me. If I get on the topic the resentment is toxic so I try to stay off it. I will have to let that go among a lot of other things. No matter what I gave he still acted out. He never appreciated it. I got tired of giving till I bled.
It is a pity that you have been made to feel guilt when receiving gifts. But being around such manipulative people does have its effect on our trust. I used to be a kindergarden teacher, and learned a lot from it in terms of how to deal with someone who is acting like a four-year-old. She needs to learn that if she says not to get her anything, or that she doesn't want it, that she should not expect anything. I do think she was trying to do something nice for you by getting you a gift. And I think it is good for her to do so because she is spending money on something that is not selfish. I just try to tell myself that everyone is doing the best they can from day to day.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
Happy Valanon's day!!
Open the card, it says "Ten. Less. Candles." 
I cried. He really thought it was the funniest card. When he asked did I like it, I said calmly - no. He just didn't see how I couldn't find it funny. The A mentality -- sometimes it's off the charts. 
