The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I asked my husband not to come home today. I don't want to see him today. I am so angry that all the things I do to try to make our marraige, home, and family better are useless.
Because of alanon I stopped trying to change his alcohol use. I feel my expectations are quite realistic. I have comprimised. He has outstanding fines that came due this month, so he has been putting in extra hours. But what is reasonable? I think resonable is that he is home every night when the kids go to bed, and home for dinner both days of the weekend.
He agreed.
It has been a week since we discussed that. He has not adhered to it once. He has come home drunk 3 out of 5 nights, and only on time once, and I think it is cause he was sucking up for missing his father's birthday and coming home so drunk he was vomiting the night before.
Friday he wanted his drunk buddy to crash on the couch. We previously agreed that I do not keep house for a crash pad. WE agreed. He had his buddy phone me and ask me if he could stay on my couch. I have had to ask this guy to leave in the middle of the night before because he brings his damn dog, and it fights with my dog, at 1:30 am, that is not my idea of respecting me.
Last night he didn't come home until after midnight.
This morning I told him not to come home after work, I need some time to think about if this is the kind of life I want to live.
I don't. But how do I do this? I love the bastard! Besides his disease, ... don't we all say that.
I don't want this life. How do I tell him that? My experience is that you CANT tell a drunk that. The disease, and stinking thinking will rationalize his behaviour.
I feel that by asking him to leave, I have just said goodbye to my best friend. I have already done this once before. I kicked him out, and 3 years later, came back. I only showed him that the most stubborn player wins.
I find myself fantacising about his death. Wishing he would die just so I could get the money. Just so I can not live like this, and have it not be my choice.
My hair has been falling out. My children have been acting out. I have made some pretty pricy mistakes at work...
I just spent a few minutes reading over the "Principles of Al-Anon" and I don't think this is what you are referring to, it sounds like you are talking about the Program itself 7 the working the Steps, along with the Slogans.
I have loved many addicts/A's in my life. You are not alone, it is not your fault. Your husband sounds very sick in (t)his progressive disease. Of course you love him.
Many ppl reached out to me & reminded me when I first came back to this life saving Program (after a 19 yr slip), that as a human being:
You have a right to have your needs met.
You have a right to personal boundaries that are respected.
You have a right to be loved & I was reminded gently over & over again that LOVE is a verb, it is an action... A's don't feel worthy of love, so if you love them, you must be unworthy too... thus a cycical spiral of negativity (the disease) brings you both down, it has to keep getting worse. Worse for them to get the same high as they feel more & more unlovable & worse for you as you love them more, they abuse you more.
Don't be so hard on yourself... you are feeling guilty for "Wishing the problem would go away" it is natural to wantt o escape the terrible pain we are in. I say it all the time but I (IMHO) think we are more sick, cuz we tolerate the neglect/abuse. For them, it is easy, they can go numb & escape reality, wake up the next day like nothing happened, they truly don't remember.
Even if your beloved A was working it in AA, they become so ashamed & the feelings are so new & difficult (let's face it, emotions are never easy to deal with, you'd think over time they would get easier but with different circumstances, days, moods, egos... it isn't easy for us to feel, but we DO feel that pain everyday). Even in recovery it takes them up to a year to be able to even face their partner's as they have to work through things for themselves.
No one would blame you for wanting your sacred home/space to be a flop house for more A's... just a simple boundary but as we all know A's are selfish, insensitive, guilty & choose to forget.
No one deserves abuse! You have a right to have your boundaries adhered to.
Personally, sober or wtvr, if a "friend" brought over an animals that caused fights with one of my dear creatures, no way would that animal be welcome, sorry (& I'm a vegetarian of 30 yrs & LOVE animals) maybe I'm an over protective "mom" but I wouldn't tolerate it.
Logically you think b/c you & the A agreed to some very general & basic "rules" they wouldn't be hard to follow... they are sick.
You have a right to alone & down time to relax... asking him not to come home one day, when it has been "hell" lately, I don't see as unreasonable.
Fact is this disease IS unreasonable & illogical. You deserve all the time you need to figure out with some serenity what it is that you want. Again, I'll tell you what others told me, don't be so hard on yourself, we kick ourselves enough. Take it easy, be gentle & take your time.
I had to literally runaway from my addict (ex-husband) & he is still using clear across the country. I see my step-father & he is an active A, gambler & cheatter. To me, I see it as slow suicide & unfortunately being in such a toxic environment for so long... you actually start to think it is your fault! I am here to lovingly remind you that you cannot control another, you cannot change another, you cannot cure another... you CAN however, control yourself, change yourself & cure yourself.
Easy does it & one day ata time, take it by the moment if you have to, I know there have plenty of times where I did just that... lots of anxiety attacks but this disease isn't beating this survivor, I am still here!
I did learn a lot from my marriage... what I was worthy of, how to fight & I do mean, if you're on my foot, I will tell you so! It also enabled me to lose myself completely for which I am grateful b/c I am rediscovering the divine human being God wanted me to become.
Take care & God Bless, Happy VAlentine's Day, do something NICE just for you! I didn't even play music until this summer - six long yrs - we all deserve to be free & do what we love. You are worth it!
Love, -Kitty of Light
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I know exactly where you are today. I was there exactly two months ago, when my husband was taken into protective custody, suicidal, and the only thing that I could muster up to say was, "You know what this means.... you cannot come home" You see, he had been once again lying, hiding his drinking and pot smoking, but I knew. I knew each time, and knew that when it all spiraled out of control enough to not be able to be lied to about it would be the time that I could tell him he had to leave. I could not, cannot live that life anymore. It was not a decision that I made easily, and I spent a lot of time thinking about it, praying and seeking guidance. I had no idea what I was going to do, would I be able to stay in my home, can I pay the bills. I still am very confused about it all. I do love this man very much, he is good father and husband, until his disease progressed to the point that that was not possible. The insanity was too much. I was acting like a lunatic and he was just going about his business.
So what have I done? I started going to at least 2 f2f meetings a week, got a sponsor that I knew would not only support me, but also guide me in this program and keep me accountable. I picked up small service jobs at the meetings to help me make sure I go, I tend to put everything, my kids commitments etc. before my own and I know that i need to go. I have picked up literature and try to read daily, not always successful, but I try. I am trying to learn how to work this program, and I find that each day I learn something new. I think that the more I try to "practice in all of my affairs" the more I see it working, a new way of thinking, living. It is not always easy to see this when applied to the alcoholic, that relationship is just so muddled, but it has been clearer in other places. So I just keep coming and keep working.
As far as making the decision to separate, I had to put it on paper. How was I going to do it, what did I need to do, and then just tackle it a little at a time. I started this before I told him he had to leave. I just started to take care of me, regardless of his choices. I traded in my car and got a new one, not as fancy but no miles and a much lower car payment. I made arrangements with a neighbor to help out with my son in the mornings before school. I made a list of bills that had to be paid, (for survival) and those that did not or technically were not my responsibility. Slowly I am chipping away at what seemed originally like the biggest task. When taken in small bits I am making progress. And if we do reconcile, I know that I will be in a better place.
Take care of you, take it slow, and Keep it Simple, You do not have to do it all in one day and your Higher Power truly will only give you that which you can handle.
I know this is hard -- living with an A can be the worst. I've come to learn though that I lose my serenity when I lose my focus. When I start looking at the A and stating all the grief my A causes me. If I keep the focus on me, then I have a better life.
One thing, and I hope you take this in the love that it is offered in, is we can't say, I will be okay if you (the A) does this, abides by what I say, acts accordingly etc. We know from experience that they aren't going to do what we want them to do, it is just another way of trying to control what is going on. It is also giving your serenity away. I'll have serenity IF they arrive home on time, if they do/don't do.... blah blah blah.
We strive for serenity without those strings, beyond what they do. Boundries are important. They divide what is acceptable and unacceptable to us. They are not walls -- which is in away saying it is my way or no way, unmoveable. You can set boundries with this person that is coming into your home, you can set boundries with anything that you find unacceptable. The decision is for you to make on what you are willing to live with.
What I read from your post is that you can't make him act right so you have no peace, if I'm wrong, forgive me. I do want you to know that serenity is still available. I know I personally talked my A to death, explaining, trying to TELL him what I thought .... all in the hopes that he would SEE. What a waist of air LOL. I finally stopped talking so much and started really working on me. You see I really put my serenity out there on that IF he would blah blah blah. I was giving it away. That was in my control. I want my serenity.
Early on I had someone tell me I couldn't work my program to get my A sober. Underneath it all, that is what I was doing. Expecting an outcome from working my program. I was expecting the wrong outcome. What you can receive from this program is serenity, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
I guess the problem is seeing him how he really IS, not how you would like him to be. And then, decide if you can live with that. It's not a question of "do you love him", it's a question of what you can live with. If your serenity and happiness depends on what he does or does not do, you have given an atom bomb to a three year old - way too much responsibility in the hands of someone who is incapable of taking it.
Both growing up in my alcoholic home and in my most recent relationship (to a person with Aish issues (not alcoholism, but eating and other compulsions/addictions)), I have really felt a ton of anger/resentment/disapointment when I offered a perfectly reasonable "compromise," and my family or partner didn't buy into it. Afterall, I reasoned, I AM GIVING SO MUCH, why can't he/she just give this LITTLE TINY BIT, ISN'T THIS THE LEAST THEY CAN DO, ESPECIALLY GIVEN ALL I AM PUTTING UP WITH! These "compromises," I'm sad to say went absolutely nowhere. Perhaps the other person vetoed the idea out of the starting gate, or perhaps, like your A they initially agreed, but then offered absolutely NO follow through, Zip, Nada.
I've realized over time that these brilliant, creative, ingenous "compromises" that I created weren't really compromises at all. I wanted so BADLY for the other person to "play by the rules," the ones I was playing by--being good, orderly, thinking of others first, taking care of others, really putting forth an effort--DIDN"T I DESERVE SOME RECIPROCITY FOR ALL I WAS GIVING?, I reasoned. I AM ASKING FOR SOOO LITTLE WHY CAN"T THEY COOPERATE? So, through my "compromises," I created a perfect way for them to play by the rules. But, the reality was, As don't want to play/compromise, they want to drink. Period.
What helps me TREMENDOSLY NOW, are two things:
1. Reading the traditions and applying them to my relationships. Especially tradition 1, our common welfare should come first. I can see MUCH more easily now, through this tradition, that my happiness and fulfillment in the relationship MATTERS. And it reminds me to set BOUNDARIES and ask, what would truly help me FLOURISH here? It reminds me to EXPRESS MY FEELINGS and that I HAVE RIGHTS THAT I DESERVE TO PROTECT. If matters are so insane that I am super resentful or doing absolutely everything, that doesn't support our common welfare.
2. Making a list of my choices. My "rule" is I must list at least five. For a really LONG time in my relationship, no matter what the decision, I could only see two choices. For example, stay in misery or go in misery. The five choices helps me make a decision that truly comes from my center. These are choices FOR ME that focus on WHAT CAN I DO FOR ME?
Finally, one thing that I really wish that I had done/realized in my own relationship before it ended, is that I deserve to have a space to FULLY acknowledge to MYSELF how my NEEDS are going unmet in the relationship. I spent so much time ping-ponging between STAY-GO/just trying to stoically bear it/or trying to resist reality by arguing, that I never just allowed myself to face my unmet needs. I never let myself just say to God, "I am trying so hard to make this work (and then give a full account of EXACTLY everything I'd tried) and yet it's not working. I feel sooo lonely, and frustrated and tired, and afraid. Please help me!" I realize, now, that acknowledging those feelings is important, and that voicing my feelings didn't need to say anything about what I would DO. Making a decision could really have been a seperate process.
((((Captodee))))), I hope you take care of yourself during this difficult time.
It is unfair, but no matter what you do, he is still going to do what he chooses to do.
Not screaming or giving him a reason to drink is better for you, but might not change what he does, in fact usually won't.
You have every right to set boundaries, but getting him to stick to them is a different story. If your boundarie is no one flops in your home, then it is up to you not to allow them in. Expecting him to enforce it is just asking to be let down.
Most A's will agree to most things when sober. I'm not sure if they are just yessing us, or if they really do intend to stick to it at the time. They just can't once they start drinking.
I too no longer throw a fit when my husband drinks. I don't enable him, but I keep quiet. The sad part is it doesn't matter. The next day he carries on about how I cursed him out and got nasty with him, and then screams no wonder I drink, because you are such a b%tch. I know I didn't say anything, and the kids know I didn't say anything, and I guess that is what is really important. I guess he is just delusional, or brain damaged or an accomplished liar. He is an alcoholic, so probably all three.
Keep reminding yourslef that Alanon's Principals are for you, not him. They are to keep you healthier and make you feel better. They will not change him unless he wants to.
I know myslef, I often wish I could have a normal marriage, with give and take, where I could count on and trust my husband. Where I could talk of my feelings and do things for him and he would do for him, where there is no enabling, just love and respect. That isn't possible when you are married to an alcoholic. It is a different life, no matter what.
I love my husband with all my heart, but I too have found myself wishing him dead, so I wouldn't have quit, and I wouldn't have to make the decision of whether to stay or go. He is so immature and sick that when I do put him out, financially he makes my life h&ll. I feel guilty about thinking that way all the time.
Alanon principals do work, they do help make you feel better, and yeah we all have doubts. When I start to doubt I remind myself that Alanon makes it a little easier for me to make the best of a bad situation, if I choose to stay. But they also remind me that I know where the door is, if I find that I need to go.
I am so sorry you are going through this. All I can off you now is my throughts and prayers. You have some great ESH above and hopefully will get more. Stay in touch with your HP too for guidance. ((((((((((capt)))))))) your friend in recovery, cdb xoxoxoxoxoxo Stay strong my friend
I wanted so BADLY for the other person to "play by the rules," the ones I was playing by--being good, orderly, thinking of others first, taking care of others, really putting forth an effort--DIDN"T I DESERVE SOME RECIPROCITY FOR ALL I WAS GIVING?, I reasoned. I AM ASKING FOR SOOO LITTLE WHY CAN"T THEY COOPERATE? So, through my "compromises," I created a perfect way for them to play by the rules. But, the reality was, As don't want to play/compromise, they want to drink. Period.