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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Blah blah
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missmeliss


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Yesterday A was drunk and belligerent and awful.

My daughter missed most of it as she was out.

He got to a stage where he was making no sense AT all, he would not leave me alone and I was afraid of and extremely angry with him. One minute he was saying awful things to me,  the next trying to cuddle me and tell me he loves me, and the next minute he was ranting for like 15 minutes in the kitchen talking to no-one (that was creepy because my girl and I only half-joke that there is a bad presence in the kitchen, sometimes I swear it really is haunted). (It made me think of that scene in "the shining" when Jack Nicholson is talking to lloyd, the ghostly bartender). And a lot of the time what he was saying wasn't even words. Many of you have seen this kind of crap, it's awful, the lights are on but no-one is home (Or more to the point Captain Jack is behind the wheel).

Anyway this isn't a new story, ABF is a drunk with a sopping wet brain and he's very agitated and stressed because he has no job and we have to move out and he knows I am moving without him. Blah blah blahdy blah blah.

Anyway on this occasion I grabbed my bag and my dog and got in the car and went to pick up my girl. And kept on driving.

I went to my friends house, and she was on her way to bed so even though I was wide awake and really bored, I lay down at 10pm with my daughter and just stayed put. I was cold and bored and annoyed as hell that i had to spend my night that way, and my poor dog had to spend the night locked in the car alone (I checked on on him a lot and he had water and food, don't worry).

Anyway the point is I was bored and cold and angry and completely inconvenienced and also afraid that in his deranged state, when he realised i had gone he would smash up my stuff. It was an absolutely crappy night when what i wanted to do was go home, wait for him to pass out and then enjoy the peaceful house.

But I stayed put because I knew that my daughter, myself and my dog were SAFE and I don't feel like having to worry about whether or not we are safe when I'm doing something simple like going to sleep at night so, there I stayed, angry and bored and cold, all night long.

Then in the morning instead of going home to check on everything I sat and drank coffee with my friend (she works as a counsellor to women in similar situations, I've mentioned her before) and talked and planned and discussed what i can do and I felt good, in control and kinda happy that I had left the situation and taken charge of our safety and serenity.

When i finally arrived home A said 'where WHERE you? I woke up in the middle of the night and you weren't here, i was SO worried". Of course he remembers nothing of his crazy behaviour earlier in the evening.

So, the bogeyman was worried about me after I ran away from him. Yay! lol. But that isn't the point. 

The point is I'm making better and braver choices and it feels good, like I have started to gain momentum.

I also felt sad when A said he was worried and acted all innocent and hurt when I walked away from him, and had the urge to hug him, somehow I still feel guilty at times like these when I have just been put through HELL and he pretends he has forgotten (or maybe he really has). 

NUTS!!! When I am not near him I won't have to feel that. I didn't feel it when I was at my friends, I didn't feel it until I came home and saw him making "I'm sad why are you being mean to me" faces at me. It still hurts though. I don't understand why, for the life of me I will never understand why I feel so sorry for someone who is so freaking awful to me. As my friend pointed out this morning, even when he says he "loves" me and "can't live without me" it's not about me, its all about him. That has nothing to do with love!

But even if my heart feels sad, it isn't making all of the decisions for me anymore and that's a nice feeling. So yay for that.

 

 



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
blessed


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I am so glad you have a supportive friend to guide you through this. What a blessing. And I am so glad you are safe.

I love where you (your friend) said, "this is not love, it is all about him." These are the things I need to remember as I navigate through my own separation. Most of us on here are givers and want to fix things, and people. Thank God, through AlAnon, I have learned it is not my job to fix the world or its people; only me. :) 

God Bless

T~



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I've never regretted taking the high road. ~
Cathyinaz


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I feel the same way when I near my son. I feel sorry for him and want to help. When I keep away those feeling go away and I can work on me. I think the key is to let go and with time the feelings change. Time is on our side.

((( hugs )))


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Jill


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I've been in your situation with the raving. This was before smartphones or even iPods, but I took a small audio recorder and recorded the insanity.
At the time, I thought I would play it back to the(other) crazy one, he would have a light bulb moment and enter sobriety forever.
It did serve to remind me whenever I wanted to cave.
You can do this!
What a great choice you made. What a wonderful friend.

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grateful2be


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Good progress, Mel. Very good progress.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
missmeliss


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I recorded a lot of last night too, actually. I don't know that there will ever be a point playing it back to him or even hearing it again myself but the act of doing it helped me detach and not react. Maybe I just wanted to sound good in the recording, LOL so I was calm and used my very best 'kindergarten teacher" voice. Then i calmly went and got into my car and drove away.
He'd be horrified if he heard it, I've never recorded him before. He was barely forming proper words and at some points he was making weird animal noises. I wont play it to him any time soon anyway because it wont help me to agitate him or throw reality at him when he is in the middle of a breakdown. Why poke the beast?
It did help me feel in control of myself though, I might try to visualise it (recording the conversation) if i have to deal with it again.


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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Breakingfree


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My exAH woke me up by shaking me the last night I slept next to him and I knew that it was it for me. He was talking to me through his teeth in some gibberish that made no sense. I had put our lil one to bed in our room in her crib and our oldest was in the next room hopefully sleeping through the non sense, but she had already seen enough as had I. I will never live that way again knowing the insanity of living with someone unstable for me or my daughters. I am so glad you are here. Thank God for al-anon! Sending you love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Debilyn


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You are making huge  progress! I am so glad you kept you kiddo and dog safe! proud of you. Plus  you can drive now, that one is huge. You are making things happen. that is the key. I always think inside, things will always be ok cuz I have hp and i will make sure things are ok.

geez I wish I could order some yummy food from you, date and mango stuff and pay ya! lol do you like hummus? yummers, artichoke,spinach is my fav add avacado. mmmmm

I am a vegan, thank good ness I love most food.

You sound good and strong. hugs!!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Newlife girl


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You took care of yourself, your daughter and your dog! That was so brave of you and a really good choice. Isn't it nice to have a car so you can just leave??!! Yippee!! I know how you feel. When I make tough decisions like that it is so hard, but once the time passes I realize I survived through it all after choosing a different way to handle things. Hope I am making sense. Lol. It feels so strange when I make a different choice but it usually works out better than my old ways of handling things. Good job!!

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Living life one step at a time
Newlife girl


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Good idea to record him. So you have evidence just in case you need it. I did the same thing once with my AH

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PP


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You acted lovingly Melly.  I would hold onto the recording, as when you begin to feel those tugs, it will be good to hear; to have a reminder of what can be.  You car is a lifesaver, huh?



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Paula
Nightwind


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I remember feeling uncomfortable showing up to sleep on friends' couches because my alcoholic abusive boyfriend was on a rant. It was a long long time ago but your post brought back so many feelings. Learning to take care of myself now, in different and less pressing ways than you are contending with, can feel just as strangely alien and difficult as taking care of me way back when did, but it always feels so good when I make it over even the tiniest of hurdles towards loving myself in a truly authentic way. I am learning to go towards the love, whether that means away not feeding into family or origin acting out, not rescuing (my big issue), not being a victim, not persecuting...just taking whatever baby steps I need to take for me. Thank you for sharing...

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Jen61


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Good on leaving and recording. It is called protection for you, your daughter and dog! Way to go Melly!!

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likemyheart


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I think recording my ex in one of his "moods" was part of what helped me to SEE it for the insanity it was - the act of recording it because somewhere inside I knew it was wrong, AND hearing the actual recording over the next few days helped me to step away and listen to it clear headed. In one recording he is telling me that IF I could prove I wasn't having an affair, he would go to AA - huh? and listening to him when i'm calm and not emotionally involved really helped.


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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Kelly123


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Bravo to you. Amazing that you left that situation and did it calmly. My A#1 used to talk to himself I soooo know how creepy that can be!!!

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