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My dad made me go and file for a restraining order today, in case my AH was to come back to this state to try to get in contact with the kids. I didn't want to do this, and the reason is because if for some reason he comes back to defend himself at the next court date which is in 14 days, I will have to face him for the first time in over 2 months. I don't think I can do this. The last time I saw him, I had dropped him off at the airport and kissed him goodbye. If I suddenly have to see him after all this, I will have a nervous breakdown right there at the court. I don't know what to do, I'm so scared. I need and want him to just stay away for as long as possible until I can be stronger, because I'm not strong right now at all. I'm praying that he won't come back to the hearing and try to defend himself. I won't know what to do.
Does anyone think what my dad has had me do is right?
Im sorry for all that you are going through right now. Im sure it is very difficult. For those of us affected by this disease it is so very hard for us to feel comfortable with healthy decisions. We feel very often that we are not strong enough. I have had several cases of this myself. At those times when I felt the weakest I turned to my HP, my program and my program friends for support. I hope that you can find that for yourself.
When you have to go to court, take your HP with you, for he will not let you down. Are there any program or other friends who can go with you to support you and help you through your pain?
Take it one day at a time, try not to project the outcome, and turn it over. Do whatever it takes to get through each minute of the day. Good luck.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
What they tell us in the program is to fake it until you make it. I don't kmow if this applies in your case or not. When I am feeling unsure and scared and think I cannot do this, I really dig in and ask for help from my HP. And know that your Alanon friends on the Board support you and stand by you.
Sorry you're going through this. You don't state in your post whether or not you feel physically threatened by your husband if he were to show up. If you honestly do, then you have the right to a restraining order. If you are emotionally incabable just to be in his presence, without him acting out towards you, is it fair to him to go to that extreme to protect yourself from your own reaction to him? Do we have the right to take legal action against someone only because of a potential emotional reaction WE may have in their presence? If this is the case, you maybe burning some bridges you may regret later if you both get recovery. Negative projection is one of the major problems all of us seeking recover are trying to avoid.
I don't know the details of your situation, but there was a point after I started recovery where my wife hinted that she had the power to do the same thing to me. It would have been totally without basis in fact. I never was violent to her when drinking, and in recovery I was completly incapable of being a danger to her. In her mind there was a lot of self-protection-paranoia going on. Thank God she never acted on it; I think today she sees how much she was over-reacting. After going through the divorce we are now trying to see if we can work things out. I'm not sure that this would be even possible to attempt if she had filed a groundless restraining order against me.
Are there domestic violence agencies in your area. If so make an appointment with a counselor there. Get one who does not tell you what to do. You do not have to make this decision right now. You can get help and can get a plan.
I can understand your ambivalence. I can also understand your sense of abandonment. I have had tremendous abandonment and boundary issues with the A. I think its best to seek support for yourself. You do not have to take on any one else's maxims right now. You can take care of yourself first then take action. I think that works best for me.
There are lots of people around me who would like to "should" me. I no longer am willing to be shoulded by anyone. I have to make my own decisions.
I also find it enormously helpful to be formulating plans a,b,c,d. I broke down my plan a into tasks and started doing them. That helped break down some of my paralysis. I also work on a plan b what are the tasks for that and start doing that. I try to work as much as possible on stuff that does not concern or involve the a. After all I can count on him for nothing.
Okay, to start, no one has the right tomake you do something you don't want to do, even your Dad. In his defense he is probably looking out for what he feels are your best interests.
As time went on I had to have a seriouse talk with my parents about boundaries aas well. they needed to understand that I am an adult and would do things my way. I listened to their advice, but then chose my own actions. I reminded them that I loved and respected them, but it is my life, my marriage and my children. It took a while but they respected me for it and after several years told me so. Don't get me wrong, my Dad and I still argue, but as equals now.
You have to do what feels right to you. If you are in danger, then by all means, keep the restraining order. make sure you understand your own motives. Don't underestimate your strength, you are stronger than you think you are. With everything you have been going through, you are still standing. I can't tell you how much I admire you for that.
Don't fight your emotions, you are feeling what you are feeling and have every right to do so. Also don't waste a whole lot of energy wondering what you are going to do or feel if...
You will know what to do if andwhen the time comes. You have been so strong and been doing all the right things so far. Dad might be letting them down, but your children are really lucky in the Mom department.
Take it one day at a time, let tommorrow take care of itself.
