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I don't particularly feel like laughing but my son made fun of my RAH last night and it was hard not to. 2 nights ago we made a frozen pizza in the oven and my RAH came home from the store and threw a hissy fit in the kitchen. He complained about how bad those pizzas smell every time we make them and then proceeded to turn on the floor fans, the vent in the kitchen, and then stomped around for a bit. He then got pissy enough to march back to the master bedroom and slam the door. Honestly, it reminded me of a 5 year old and I just sat there on the couch in amazement(trying VERY hard not to laugh) as did our son. So, last night we were using the oven again and my son starts turning on the fan and stomping around and says, "Hey, mom, who am I?" And, then he follows it up with, "Geez, what the heck was his problem last night anyway?"
Now, on a more serious note, I could use some prayers that are regarding something unrelated to recovery. My son has a tic disorder (Tourette's) and his tics have been very bad for him this past week. The other night he actually had a bit of a meltdown and cried because his eyes hurt so bad from squeezing them shut all day long and now he has a facial tic that's being added to the eye tics, ugh. It's so hard for me to see him hurting and struggling. God knows we have enough on our plate living with RAH, and now this? I just feel like we never get a calm in the storm.
And, please pray for my health, too. I have a bump on my spine, mid back right on the vertebra that is quite painful and is causing inflammation in the muscle tissue surrounding the spine. My dad died from a spinal tumor so I'm honestly scared out of my mind right now and it's taking all my energy to just stay calm until I can get to an orthopedic doctor. I knew something was going on because I was having a feeling that there was a bruise there but I hadn't felt the bump until I asked a friend to feel it while I laid face down and she pressed on the spine and I screamed and she said, "Yep, there's something there, Bonnie." I haven't told very many people about my concerns and I won't, until I know more. I'm just taking it minute by minute as I work through my fears.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I think sometimes we need a good laugh in the face of it all! And - annoyed by the smell of pizza! That may be a world first. And what a mature way to express annoyance.
I can totally understand why you're upset about the bump. Having had some nerve problems myself, my understanding is that spinal tumors don't manifest with a bump or muscle inflammation, but with numbness, tingling, or other nerve problems elsewhere in the body. I well know how hard it is when you're worried and you have to wait to see a doctor, but it sounds less serious to me. (Of course I am not a doctor and you are entirely right to get it checked out! For one thing you want it gone, no matter how harmless it is.)
Sounds as if your son has some stress going on. I have that eye twitch myself and sometimes it drives me nuts. I don't know who in the world is understressed but I haven't met that person. Maybe this all means you and Son deserve a nice relaxing break somewhere? Somewhere with some good pizza?
(((Bonnie - Andromeda - ILD))) How old is your son? Tourette's is rough, and sorry about the back pain and bump. These things are all ODAAT too. Will be praying.
I don't have any e/s/h to share on any issue you are facing right now, Bonnie. I do agree with Mattie that perhaps it is a good time for a break from home life for you and your son right now? As far as the stomping around and slamming doors over an unpleasant scent in the kitchen - I guess I'm not Al-Anon progressed enough because I'm let him know exactly how damaging his behavior is to the peace of our home. It may not change the dynamics and I simply wouldn't choose to suck it up. My 5 year old would end up in his room for behaving like that. I couldn't put my H in his room for 5 minutes and then a request for an apology for his poor behavior but I sure would let him know that our home is to be a safe place for everybody and not just a place for him to do anything he wanted anytime he wanted. He lives with two other people who are affected by his behavior and his behavior is threatening and ugly. Actually, I guess I do have experience in this area. There were people who tried that same kind of stuff in the work I did - I saw my house to be a place for people to feel safe and at home. If somebody wanted to disrupt that peace, they could move on and out. I feel the same about my own personal home. I don't have to live with a person who behaves like a spoiled cookie that the rest of us have to tiptoe around. The spoiled cookie can clean up their act or move on. And I won't let mental illness, recovery or non-recovery, or their sad, sad childhood be an excuse for inappropriate and ugly behavior now. I love how your son tried to diffuse the tension and I think it is sad that you both are living with such a spoiled person.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 5th of August 2014 09:54:27 AM
Grateful, I know this and it goes back to how my RAH claims that he must tease our son and push his buttons so that our son can be prepared for being treated poorly by others later in life. Instead of allowing our home to be a place of rest, it becomes a place where we need a break from. Unfortunately the man is still my son's father and will get joint custody and that means my son will have to spend time with him each week. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior, no matter how you try to justify it.
As for the spine issue: Yes, Mattie, my dad's tumor was wrapped around his spinal cord and it was causing serious nerve problems and bladder issues for him. He also waited way too long to take care of his own health so his recovery wasn't very good, either. The doctors couldn't removed the core of the tumor because it was so deeply embedded in the spine so the tumor eventually regrew and my dad passed away. Mine is a painful visible bump about 4 vertebrae below my bra strap. It reminds me of the cyst I had when I was 18 where it was growing on my rib cage on the right side and only bothered me if I 'bothered it', know what I mean? This spinal bump is the same way. As long as I don't bend over too far(rubbing the muscles along the spine) or press against anything hard like when I do sit ups on a bare floor, I'm fine. I can actually work out and do my cardio and function just fine, but every once in a while the thing screams at me and I know something is wrong. When I had that cyst removed as a teen, they actually had to remove part of both my 11th and 12th rib cage so I have a 'hole' on my side and you can actually press through the scar tissue and feel it. It's a good practical joke for parties, LOL. "Hey, you wanna feel something funny? Just press your fingers into my scar: I don't have any bones there!" Yep, I had a lot of fun in college, LOL!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Oh, and for my son's tics: there are lots of triggers, not just stress. We notice an increase when there is good stress too, but also allergies, infection, growth spurts(which is quite possible right now), orthodontic adjustments, and even food additives and colorings. So, it's really hard to figure out specifically if it's just one trigger or another.
Kenny, my son is almost 16 and has had tics since he was 9. We've never medicated him and choose natural treatments and homeschooling to help him with better accommodations for schoolwork, etc. I'm not sure if people realize how hard it is to read a chapter of a school book when your head keeps jerking to the left every 10 seconds or to write a paper when your hand keeps shaking after every 2 words you write. Also, some of his tics are OCD type stuff and I'm currently looking for a therapist who can do CBT with him to help with some of the other tics he has which are more large motor tics instead of the facial tics.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
This reminded me of when ABF finally got a job after a long 6 months of being at home, screaming and carrying on if anyone made noise by coming through the front door or being in the house in general. The first afternoon that he was not here, my daughter came home from school and went in and out of the front door over and over, maybe 50 times "because I CAN, mum". It was so peaceful! Nothing but the sound of a happy child doing happy child-stuff! And yes, I laughed. It's not just that kids are funny, it's also a relief to see that they find the A's behaviour as utterly absurd as we do! That's a lot better than if they took it seriously and thought it was normal.
Prayers for your boy.
I was told my daughter had an incurable condition and might potentially have an embarrassing and awful condition forever and it seemed like there were a zillion unconnected triggers but eventually we actually found "the one" and she's been healthy ever since. You never know, if you keep trialling and erroring with foods and additives etc it, you might stumble across "the big trigger" like we did.
Hugs to both of you
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Your son is at an age where he can say no to spending time with his Dad if he chooses, Bonnie. The courts don't necessarily award joint custody just because the parents want it in my experience. They are also interested in hearing from a minor and what they want, too. My daughter stopped visiting with her Dad when she got to her high school years because he made choices that were harmful and discourteous to her. She refused to go visit him again until he cleaned up his act. He did. I know we all are responsible for our own choices and the consequences of those so please know that none of what I'm saying comes from a place of judgment of persons (although the behaviors of your son's father trouble me.) It does come from knowing the disease can beat us down so much we can feel paralyzed on the next steps to take or fearful that things can be worse if we make a new decision. It is upsetting to me that your husband thinks its okay to mistreat his son and justifies it with "he needs to toughen him up." I would say his Tourette's is tough enough. I agree. His behavior is unacceptable and there is NO justification for it no matter how often he tells himself its okay to mistreat his son or to throw temper tantrums in your shared home.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 5th of August 2014 12:48:43 PM
I understand the laughter - four years my ex has been gone and my daughter and I still sometimes engage in the game of "lets make fun of _____" - shaking our heads at how absurd it was some of the things he pulled. Yelling at the dvd player because it wouldn't spit the dvd out; using a particular epithet all the time and using exactly the same pattern of inflection; pouting loudly if someone took the piece of pizza HE wanted..... like there is a whole fricking pie there bud.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Sometimes the A behaviors really are pretty funny. The other day, I came home from work to find two huge boxes had been delivered to my door by UPS. They were for our neighbor, two doors down. The boxes were too large for me to carry over there, so I called the neighbor. He didn't answer. Then, I called UPS. UPS reached the neighbor, who told UPS to pick the boxes up at our house the next day and deliver them to his (he didn't want to carry them down the street either--or couldn't). Fine, situation dealt with.
My AH comes home a little bit later and asks about the boxes. I tell him this whole story. He immediately launches into "Well, I don't want those boxes sitting out in front of the house all night...They could be stolen...Who knows what's in them...etc." (The boxes were from Home Depot, not Chemicals-R-Us...and we know the neighbor...our street isn't exactly a high-crime area...but of course none of this was rational.) Basically, he was getting all control-freaky about it and acting as if I'd been somehow negligent in not dealing with the situation well enough. The old me would have gotten all hurt and/or pissed off, but the new me just sat back and let him sweat his *ss off dragging the huge boxes down the street on a dolly, then watched him trying to find the neighbor's unlisted phone number online. I tried hard not to laugh. But I wanted to!
I also wanted to laugh yesterday when AH, king of denial, said something about how he "occasionally drinks too much". It took all I had not to at least smirk at that. I mean, it's true that he occasionally *doesn't* drink too much... But I'm done arguing about that.
Anyway, I agree with whoever said that sometimes it helps to laugh in the face of all of this.
As for the spine issue, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope it won't be what you're fearing.
I hope you get your doctors appointment soon Andromeda, and that your fears are put to rest with some good news.
Your son sounds great fun and it is wonderful that you can both laugh about the silly behaviour.
Can I take this opportunity to join in with the tales? The morning after coming home from our very relaxing lovely holiday RAH was outside cutting the grass. I could hear him swearing very loudly and when I asked him what was up he said he was thinking about his mother telling him not to play on the new turf when he was a young boy. I wish you had all been with me at that point so that I could laugh. I'm afraid that I just felt a bit scared by the crazy behaviour and needless to say those nice relaxed feelings have worn off. Hey ho. Practise, practise.
RAH stomping around acting childish is funny stuff yes....whats wrong with his sniffer?? I've never smelt smelly pizza. Its always a wonderful smell!! Anyway, we all have to laugh sometimes of the childish behaviors of the addict. I am so sorry to hear about your sons tic's issues! That must be so hard to try to help when you really can't. Us moms always want to take the pain away so I understand how this can become a helpless issue for you at times. I do think your back issue needs to be looked at as soon as you can. My friends father had skin cancer and my friend had an issue with her skin and she was freaking out thinking it was what her father had when all along it was not. So, don't panic until you have a doc tell you what is wrong. Time to try to breathe and try to not play doctor because that is when your mind will start freaking out and causing all kinds of stress. I will pray for all your stuff you mentioned. Try to find peace through your storm. Let God take over!
I'm just not seeing the humor in this kind of behavior. I feel sad and concerned for those of you who are subjected to this. You are all such fine, fine women. It hurts me to read this.
I know when I left the exAH I was worried he would get joint custody, but things worked out better than I had imagined and at 16 my oldest daughter gets to say where she wants to be. I will never live with a miserable jerk again nor put my kids through anything like it. Life is so much easier and better not putting up with full grown adult tantrums. Sending you and your son lots of prayers!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
So, I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow to get my spine looked at. Thank you all for the input and the prayers! RAH is traveling for work this week and it's been a nice quiet week for us so far. Although, my son did say tonight, "Oh, wow, mom, the TV hasn't been on all day and it's nearly 10 PM!" His big complaint with his father is that the TV is on way too much and that we never have any quiet in the house. We (ds and I) are not TV people and don't watch much unless it's a specific movie or just us putting HGTV on for background noise. When we were newly married, I swore that my RAH was addicted to TV because he would have to put it on as soon as he woke up and then it would be on for 6-7 hours in the evening.
Sigh, anyway, I made it to a meeting tonight and the chairperson decided to talk about step 1. I was really grateful for all I heard tonight, I really needed it.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I always feel lighter at a meeting, and in being reminded of the steps. My thinking brought me a lot of misery in a former marriage, not the least of which was staying too long in an emotionally invalidating and destructive situation. So, I'm holding onto what I'm learning and taking it seriously.
It would probably help if we could, I was feeling homesick yesterday and decided to go home, and see how I felt there, I was on my own a while until my husband came home, and when he did he didn'nt rush in and gather me in his arms and say how much he misses me but then again neither did I but I did feel I needed and wanted something from him, again I asked if he was ok, to which he replied I am comfortable, I then asked again if he understood why I had had to leave and he said yes work had been getting me down, he then asked me if I had seen a programme on telly, and then said would I like to go out for dinner, and then asked would I like to go to the coast for a few days, insert laughter there maybe? we are just so different, but I came away loving him alittle bit more and hating the decease and perhaps seeing the difference, my son spent the day with his baby and was so excited to come and tell me, he said dad had phoned and said where are you, he said with my baby dad said well you better get home and get some sleep before work, son said dad I am not on shift tonight, son said to me, dad knows how much seeing the baby means to me so why does he want me to come home? I think with me out of the way my husband is doing his crazies on my son, the up shot for me is I am out of the way of it and my son can see it for what it is, not saying it is right though but I am only responsible for how I respond to my son, I hope all goes well with your health and it gets sorted out, and lots of love to you and your dear son xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It was difficult for me to get the lesson of looking at both sides or all sides of my alcoholic/addict because there was good there and very good there also. I had to stop "butting" her down. "Butting" I learned in Al-Anon after I gave her strokes would erase anything I said good about her or anyone else. "She's very humorous, but when she's drinking she's dumb". I had to learn how to replace but with "and" because both were true and not one more than the other and so it came out if it continued to come out, "She's very humorous and when she is drinking she's dumb". Today it is not very often that I use "but" in my conversations. It's okay to laugh at what is humorous and inane and good to see the humor in situations...be good when he can see it also and laugh right along with you. There is a "King Baby" description of the alcoholic in the lessons on the alcoholic personality or character and when I was working with alcoholics and substance abusers we could see it and have to deal with it a part of the clients therapy. Its also okay to call them on it..."You're acting like a brat...or a child -and- it looks funny coming from you". (((((hugs)))))
Tourette's syndrome is hard to watch and listen to and I understand there's therapy for it. I'm gonna PM you some information also.
Laughter is necessary, if we are to have any sanity in our life. We, too love when he is gone and the TV is off. If he is home; the TV is on. He has found somewhere to go on weekends, and that is nice. It is better than me finding somewhere to go. Selfish? Maybe. But it is what it is. My son and others ask if he has a girlfriend. Who knows? Who cares? Not me. Not me.
I will definately add you and your son to my prayer list. There is no problem bigger than our God - HP.
