The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I've been on here a lot and I know all my posts are so long. I'm starting to come to a realization about my situation and my alcoholic husband. When I first met him two and a half years ago, I thought he was wonderful. He told me what a witch his ex-wife was and how he's had so many psycho girlfriends in the past. He made me feel like I was so different from "all of them" and so perfect. His ex-wife used to not let him do anything. His ex-girlfriend wouldn't let him go to bars when he "wasn't doing anything wrong". I used to think to myself, "this poor guy has such bad luck with these mean, psycho women". Well, it's two and a half years later and I am probably well on my way to becoming one of the mean, ex-psychos of his. Now I know why they all seemed so crazy!! His alcoholism was driving them to that point. Now I find myself doing things I would never have done before: driving around trying to find his truck at the bar, screaming at people that are with him, threatening divorce, calling him repeatedly when he's at the bar, etc. etc. I am well on my way to adding my name to the list of psychos! The only one he doesn't call a psycho is this one gold digging bimbo that he moved in with when his wife threatened divorce for the thousandth time(I originally heard the story different, but I now know he lied). Anyway, I think he saw the rest of them as psychos because they all told him he was an alcoholic. The bimbo herself was a gold digging, lazy alcoholic too and she never called him a drunk like the rest of us so he has only nice things to say about her. She was the most disfunctional of them all. She stole everything from his family that wasn't nailed down, she couldn't keep a job, she glued herself to any man with money and drank herself stupid many times. I am finally sorting out the lies and I am finding many, many lies in the process. Now I'm married to him and threatening divorce almost every week too. Eventually he will leave when he can find someplace else to go; he just hasn't found some woman who will take him in yet and take care of him. It's hard to find a decent woman when you're a bankrupt, laid off, unable to support himself drunk, but he's the best liar around so I'm sure he'll find one to buy his crap.
Lindy, As Lin said " Of course he's blaming you, that's what alcoholics do?" And it sounds like he is doing it well. It didn't take me long to figure that out with my alcoholic husband. I've read some of your posts, what are you doing for you? Do you go to face to face Al-anon meetings, what al-anon literature are you reading?
I'm concerned about you and your son... that's who you are responsible for. You cannot make the alcoholic stop his actions but you can change yours and Al-anon is the best place to do that.This is a great place to vent, then find a solution for the problem...work on you, cause you are worth it.
my boyfriend was much the same. His last girlfriend was a witch poor baby. Now I know I am referred to like her although he can't exactly say I am a drug addict. That is called splitting. It is totally normal for an A.
I think I was incredibly naive and vulnerable when I met the A. I stopped being that. I started working my program. When people come into my life (outside of work) who are abusive I don't continue the relationship. I have one A that is enough.
One thing I have started doing which is really helping is not to show up for the argument. He starts something I say nothing. Every now and again I will say something like why do you have to be in chaos all the time but that's it. I have stopped raising my voice, being vocal about his shortcomings and more. Of course that does not mean I became a saint I am here a lot venting about my frustration I just don't vent to him.
I think one of the reasons I was furious at the A was that he did so little for me. I was also doing very very little for me so I was incredibly deprived. Now I base my entire day on self care what do I need to do and when, what is my priority, how can I improve my life. I base none of it around him. I say very little to him. I do not discuss my life with him. That helps.
I am not sure where you are with the divorce issue. I think I know it helps me to have a plan a and b if possible. Do you have one? I find sitting on my plan is a very good way to detach.
He can rant on and on and on and I just look at my plan oh yeah next is this. It is a great great tool not to be tricked into thinking and resenting him. Do I still resent him? Of course I do. I just find that not showing up for the argument and focusing on my plan helps me to get my mind off it. Do I need to inventory lots of stuff sure thing.
At the same time I need to take care of me. Resentment can be toxic. I am human I do resent him I am angry at him but I watch that level very very closely these days. At a certain point it will boil over. I have to be aware when it is how it is and how I can take care of it appropriately.
