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My last post was the calm before the storm. Well, it didn't last long and the storm hit full force on Friday. Here's the story: I was going to take my husband and son out for supper Friday evening. My husband is laid off so he has no money. I was going to pay. I told him that I would pick my son up and meet him at our house at 6pm. I got to our house at exactly 6pm, went inside and he wasn't there. His truck was there though. I knew he was at the neighbor's house, sitting in her kitchen, drinking beer with her. I believe she is an A also. I could see him in the window. I could've just walked over and knocked on the door. I know he wasn't drunk yet, but this scene made me so mad, I couldn't stand it so my son and I backed out of the driveway and went out to dinner ourselves.
An hour later, he decides to call me and see what's going on. I told him he wasn't home when I said I would be back and we just left without him. I told him I wasn't going to knock on doors looking for him. He then put the neighbor lady, Julie, on the phone and she said he invited her too. I said I didn't know that and he has to tell me these things. I told him I could bring him something back or he could meet us where we were at. I was pretty sure he wouldn't meet us.I was really agitated with him and I told him so. I told him I can't stand when he's inconsiderate of me and my son, but he's always so worried about her being alone on Friday nights because her husband is working.
When my son and I got home around 9:15, he was nowhere to be found. There was a note on the kitchen counter saying he would be back in soon. I could tell by the writing that he might have been drunk when he wrote it. I attempted to call his cell phone, but he wouldn't answer. I called repeatedly, which is something I have never done before, but I felt like a crazy lady calling someone over and over. I didn't know where he was and it seemed like he wasn't coming home.
Finally the neighbor, Julie, calls me on my cell phone to say that he is with her and they are at the bar. They were hungry so they went and got some pizza. Okay, here is the part that sent me over the edge. I sat in her kitchen about two weeks ago, crying about being married to an A. She also lives with an A and she was telling me how she was going to leave him. I was telling her that I hate it when my husband sits in bars and drinks the strong beer he orders when he's there. I told her I hate his attitude and how rude he can be to my son and me. I told her I hate the badgering and the repeating and the making fun of me and thinking he's funny. She agreed that she hates those things too so what does she do??? She takes my husband to the bar. I started to go off on her. She told me they just went there to get something to eat. I said she could've ordered pizza or gone somewhere else, but SHE decides to take him to a bar??!! I told her if she likes hanging out with him so much and they are having so much fun together, she can have him. I told her not to marry him though because then he would start treating her like crap, the way he does to me. He treats her like gold right now. She ended up hanging up on me. I left him one more message to not bother coming home tonight. I blocked both doors with furniture so he couldn't come in.
I don't know what this lady is up to, but I sure don't like it. I didn't know she was a less obvious A. Anyway, I'm quite certain she would like to get her drunk little hands on my husband. There is a big age difference with her being 12 years older than him and 14 years older than me, but I know she has a thing for him. Why wouldn't she, he's only been nice and pleasant to her, while rude and inconsiderate to my son and me. I know he can control his mood when he's drinking because he is perfectly charming to her and everyone else around us when he's drinking.
Anyway, he did manage to get into the house. He came home at 1 in the morning. While I was crying myself to sleep, he was out having fun with another woman! I don't care if they having a fling or not, he shouldn't be with another woman. He would mad at me if I hung out at a bar with another guy. The next day I told him I was calling my lawyer to get the paperwork that I started finished (nothing has been started) for a divorce. He said he didn't want a divorce. I told him the only way I might consider staying with him is if he admits he's an alcoholic, gets some help and stays away from her house. I said I didn't care if they were just friends or whatever, but I lost my trust in her and I don't want anything to do with her and I expect the person I am married to to stay away from her too. He admitted that he has a drinking problem (didn't use the word alcoholic), but didn't say he would get help.I told him I wasn't sure if this was going to work because I could picture him sneaking beer. He said if he wants a beer, he'll just have one. He's not admitting anything, is he?
The next day, he can't find his wallet. He said he laid it on the bar and he thinks someone stole it. Well, when you have a bunch of drunks in one place, it's likely they stole it. He had some cash in there from unemployment. He said he really has no money now at all. He didn't have the money to pay for himself when I would've taken him out to eat, but he had the money to spend in the bar all night. He probably even bought Julie some drinks. I know he had the money to split on a pizza with her.
I told him here's another reason he should quit drinking. I asked him if he was really drunk last night and he said "well, I wasn't feeling any pain". That comment irritated me to no end. I CRIED myself to sleep and felt terrible pain. My son was in pain seeing me so upset. While we're upset and having a hard time sleeping, he's out having himself a good old time, feeling no pain. That hurt me so bad I couldn't stand it. It also hurt knowing what the neighbor did to me too. I know I sound like a crazy, psycho victim and I hate myself for what I am becoming.
Sorry about the extremely long post, but I had to tell the story. Of course, things are okay now, but I know it won't last. He's thinking that everything is okay. It will be okay until the next inconsiderate thing comes up and I blow up. The ups and downs are on a shorter schedule now. Am I making this worse?? I feel like I am.
Hello Lindy - alcoholics are very selfish people no one else matters all they want is to drink and please themselves. (nature of the disease) You asked if you were making things worse" well A's need enablers to continue in thier life style and that is usually us. We beleive thier lies over and over again , we excuse unexceptable behavior , we lie for them cover up thieir mistakes ,that is our insanity doing the same thing over and over again hoping it will be diff this time.
Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will ever change for them why should it , we make them look pretty good and supply them with the things they need.
When u live with alcoholism our thinking becomes a little distorted we don't trust ourselves like we used to , deny what were seeing and hearing and do crazy things like you mentioned phoning giving ultimatums that never work. threats that we don't carry out while only trying to solve a problrm that has nothing to do with us . We are not the reason they drink nothing u do or say will make anyone drink. we simply arent that powerful , regardless of what they may say.
I hope u will find an Al-Anon meeting for yorself , I didn't want to leave my marriage and this program gave me tools to stay in this marriage and get happy regardless of what he was doing. I thought that was impossible when I heard that but it's not . Our children deserve at least one sane parent and our program will get u there. here is the toll free number 1-888-4alanon it is international and free they will give u meeting info for your area. You and your family are worth the effort , give us a few months before making any major decissions and see how u feel then . good luck Louise
Hmm. Sounds a lot like me and my A. Not so much the going with another woman, but the lack of money for practical things, the irresponsability... It is very frustrating. And you feel so much pain when this happens, you are willing to believe the lies because you just want it to be good again. We all know how you feel and wish you well.
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