The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been doing a lot of reading and thanks for all the feedback you have provided. I have a question....
For those living with an active A who does not think treatment for them is an option... Following the guidelines to make you better. Keeping in mind the 3Cs, detatching from the disease, understanding your A is self-centered, rages and blames you for thier unhappyness and there is nothing you can do about it. Taking up new hobbies or other things to pursue to help you get the most out of life regaurdless of what your A trys to project onto you. Understand this is a toolkit to keep you sane and improve the quality or your life.
Is your home a better place to live? Or do these tools allow you to simply deal with caos without blowing your brains out? (No... I don't consider blowing my brains out... )
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think that my home is a better place because using the tools allow my children and I to be in a better place. For example, yesterday my husband stole money from me and spent it on cocaine. The old habits would have me screaming, us fighting and the entire day would have been chaos. Instead, I simply let him know I knew the money was missing and walked away. The kids weren't caught in the middle. We didn't scream, yell. He didn't make promises, beg, threaten....THat makes my home better.
I think that understanding all that about our A makes it better, it helps me to look at it as his disease. All that stuff comes with the disease. Then....
the tools of Al-Anon make me better able to handle those things, just like what powerless said, it makes my home a better place to be with me not adding to the chaos.
I read your question yesterday, and I really thought about it before I replied.
My "A" and I met 8 years ago. He has been active that whole time, except for brief periods of sobriety (well maybe not all brief he had 18 months once, but 12 of those we weren't living together). I can remember how it was like to live there before alanon. It was miserable. My home is now a better place to live because of the alanon program and tools. One of the best blessings I have received from alanon is my loving sponsor. She has been a blessing to me and my children. She treats my "A" with the respect my non-alanon friends don't know how to give him.
My home is better because I am better. I don't focus on him, all the time I have my slips. I do things for me. Before alanon I gave everything I had away, and I always felt empty. Now I give part of me away, but only what I choose to. I keep my serenity. I know how to do that now, I never did before.
This program is a work in progress, and when I am working my program I can see the miracles it has brought me.
Keep coming back!
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
The reason I ask is because even though I have not been studying the Al-Anon skills until recently, I find that most of this I have done out of habit anyway. Except enabling... I was a pretty bad enabler. Most of the skills used to defuse the situation and keep things on an even keel I do as part of my nature.
Because of my upbringing I choose not to add fuel to the fire under most circumstances. (Glass is always half full for me)
I just don't think I can do it any more. As she drinks more, we fight more, we associate with others less. Now it's not even our decission, people who know her are not inviting her to stuff and declining invites to our house.
She doesn't drink like some descriptions I have seen here. She gets home about 4:30. Drinks 10-12 beers by 10:00 and at that point we either: make love, fight or just go to sleep. I can only remember 1 week in the past 5 years that this has not been the case. Weekends and summers the number of beers go up.
After the second or 3rd beer, its like flipping a light switch... she is a different person. And she is very polarized. She is either very happy or very upset and nothing in between. And flips between the 2 can be triggered by anything.
I love her very much, but I don't love what this has done to our lives. She doesn't see it and doesn't want to hear it. I just don't think I can sit by and watch it any more. I need to retain my sanity and try and make sense of this all to my 11 year old and his older brother.
-- Edited by rtexas at 12:13, 2006-02-14
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
)
I have my slips. I do things for me. Before alanon I gave everything I had away, and I always felt empty. Now I give part of me away, but only what I choose to. I keep my serenity. I know how to do that now, I never did before.