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Hi, I am still new to this, but need to get something off my chest. My adult daughter A is in rehab. She is allowed visitors between certain hours. It is very hard for me to get there after work so I went every other day last week. Of course, weekends are easiest. She calls me today and tells me she "doesn't feel up to visitors today, but tomorrow will be ok". I told her I didn't know if I could make it tomorow because of work. She has a lot of nerve. I think she is the queen bee in rehab and is loving the attention and wants to be with her buddies. She also told me when I come I have to come after at certain time so she can eat dinner with her "friends".
I guess the answer here is to not go visit her and let her deal with whatever she needs to deal with while she is there.
I am just really angry.
I am not sure this makes any sense to any of you. I have just tried so hard to be a good mother and it really hurts to be treated like a thing that has no feelings and and just be tossed. She said she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Well, I don't stay more than 5 to 20 minutes. It would have been nice for her to give me a few minutes.
I will say, if I had known of the hearache of being a mother 30 years ago, I would not be a mother. It hurts my heart too much.
I think it makes total sense to me. But expecting an A to understand they are selfish is like going to the hardware store to buy bread. I think they are a long long time in recovery before they get how incredibly self centered they are. My prior boyfriend had 5 years hard fought recovery he told me. I still think he is one of the most self centered people I have ever met. I know I am drawn to self centered because my parents and family of origin were incredibly self centered and very very manipulative.
If you cannot go because of work that is a valid excuse. I think it is tremendously hard for an A to get it other people exist in the world they don't know that they think of no one but themselves. You will have to think of you first and foremost.
It does make tons of sense to me, sad as that may be.
My A is self centered also. I have come to accept it as part of the disease. As much as it sucks sometimes it is just something that goes along with it.
I used to think the same thing that you said about becoming a mother but one day it occured to me that when I decided to become a mother I accepted the responsibility, good or bad. Not all children are going to be healthy and thrive. I happened to have one that was sick. I will not enable him, but I will accept him as he is, and right now, that is addicted (and in jail)
I'm sorry you are hurting. It may sound harsh but I think the best thing to do is do stuff unrelated to your daughter - go out with your friends, visit relatives or neighbours, elderly people that will be tremendously glad you came...
If your daughter is still so self-centred the best thing to do is 'forget' about her for a while, maybe join a local charity group, make new friends... I am a daughter of a mother that put all her life into her children, and must tell you it is a tremendous relief now that she has found friends at a religious group & at a charity group. She is very happy to visit elderly people that are bed-ridden or so - & they are so happy to see her!
She is less stressed out and the strain on us kids is lesser. It is very difficult if the parent blames themselves for what the kids chose to do. We are independent people & must live with our own choices. I am not an a, but my parents have often wished 'different' kids or wished we made different decisions, and sometimes subconsciously acted as if I were still a little girl, while I would 'rebel' etc. I'm not saying this is the case with your daughter, but maybe seeing you at this point is a bit stressful or perhaps even very painful for her too. It may bring guilt of disappointing you, memories of times she hurt you... She may interpret your harmless remarks or even glances as 'blame' or disappointment or further trying to change her... (That's often what happens with me and my parents) - while with 'new people' she can be & feel 'new'. Not sure if this makes any sense, but hope it helps some to understand 'the other side'.
You still have the right to be angry, and to explain it's easier for you to come on weekends, and then she can make a choice - you can tell her you could see her next weekend but it's entirely up to her! You could also ask - calmly, after the anger has steamed off - if she gets other visitors on Sundays, or has other plans... (In hospitals, sometimes too many people visit, & sometimes you're all alone, so in my family it is discussed who visits when, so that someone visits Granny every day.) Maybe not visiting for a fortnight or so will even make her miss you...Or call you (if they're allowed to do that).
One thing alanon teaches us to do is to examine our motives. Why are you going to see her? If it is for YOU, because seeing her brightens your day, then go when you need that lift (or maybe just call her, for a quick chat). If it is for HER, then maybe realize that seeing you is not what she really needs right now, and you can take a break with a clear conscience.
When my husband was in rehab, I was only allowed to go see him once, they really discouraged visitors. The people there have a lot of work to do, and really need to focus on what they are doing, if there is to be any chance of a lasting recovery. To be honest, I was happy to be free of the drama of his life, and just enjoy the peace and quiet of home while he was gone.
Recovery brings its own problems, use this time to focus on you, and give yourself a break.
Lu, I read you post and it really hit home. I did think about my motives and how I felt. I did not go visit this week because it would not have brightened my day. I also thought about what you said about maybe it is not what she needs right now. I can understand that.
Her birthday is this week and a few days ago asked if I was coming for her birthday and I am.
Today she called and asked if I was coming to see her tonight. I thought--this is good she wants to see me. How silly.
I told her I wasn't sure she wanted to see me so I had stayed away. She went on to tell me that sometimes she just didn't want visitors, she doesn't have much free time, has a lot to do, but "I am not pushing you away".
Then she asked if I would bring some of her facial products up to her if I come. Always a motive. Not just, gee I would really like to see you mom.
Anyway, I said well looks like you want me to bring you something and that is why you want me to come. She said no bla bla bla. Anyway she said "now I am going to cry" and hung up.
Well, I am human also and I have feelings.
Of course, I probably should not have said what I did. But I did and I can't change what I did.
