The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last 2 weeks have been something else. My dad who is one of the A's in my life just fell apart. His father who lives in another country and who we haven''t seen in 5 years passed away. Then my mother became very ill and had to be taken to the hospital. She will be ok but needs to quite smoking. My dad has used these things as another reason to go on a bender. Instead of supporting my mother and helping her through her illness, he has stopped going to work, gone back to sitting in his van and drinking, just coming in the house to pass out. He is of no support to her. We feel powerless because we are 2 hours away and have jobs and kids which we can't abandon here to go take care of those 2 parents of ours. I know my mother understands, but i could just kick my father in the ass. He won't even talk to me because he knows how angry i am at him. He just will never pull it together, and its one excuse after another for him not to stop. The problem for me is, my mother suffers because of it. We can't completly detach from the situation because it would hurt her. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know i will be asked for money soon so their bills can be paid because he hasn't been to work. Every bone in my body just wants to scream NO, but i can't do it because of my mother. I can't bring her to live with me we just don't have the space and she won't come anyway. Oh....what do you do
bd...sounds like a typical alcoholic upbringing...you being the parent and your parents being the children. Your father has to keep the focus on him and since your Mom is sick, he will act out to keep the focus off of her. It's the sickness of the disease. You can pray for your parents, but it is not your job to take care of them. If you keep focusing on them, it will suck the life out of you and will affect your children. You are only responsible for you and your children. If you can, get to an Alanon meeting for support. I am going through the same thing right now. My father, mother, and grandmother are all talking about what is wrong with them. According to my grandmother, she is dying, my father is dying, and now my mother found a lump on her neck. Today I choose to focus on the positive things in my life, praying to God(HP), and doing things to better my life. Worrying about tomorrows will only drain your todays into the pit of despair. My suggestion would be to seek support for yourself, offer compassion to your Mom and Dad, pray for you and your loved ones, and take care of yourself. I will say a prayer for you and your Mom.
Keep coming and keep posting. Get to meetings, meetings, meetings and your choices will become more clear.
I found when I did things that I wanted to do, like give someone $$ or a gift and it was my by choice and given with the right intention, that it was the right thing for me. I always give from my heart without ever expecting anything returned in some way or form in kind.
If only we could eradicate this disease from planet Earth, ah!!!!!!!!!! but then I guess we would not have each other then either, would we? It's in the valleys that we grow.
Just wanted to give you hugs and prayer,
Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
i am so sorry this is happening to you and your family. my dad is an A,too. i have a wonderful husband and 2 kids. my dad just sits in his apt all day drinking his life away. he just can't remember to pay his bill b/c he's always drunk. we used to pay his bills for him, but we got to a point to say no more.
my dad doesn't have a sick wife, so i don't know what i would do if i were you. but i can say that you can't bail your dad out for the rest of his life. that doesn't help anyone. take care of you and your kids. no matter what you decide, i'm sure it will be the right choice.
I thought of something as I read your post and I hope it isn't taken the wrong way because I only mean to help. It may help to detach and keep your focus on yourself that your mother has chosen her path. I am sorry she is ill and pray she gets better soon. She knows your father's patterns as well as anyone and just as each of us make personal choices regarding staying with our spouses who have this disease, she chose to stick with hers. She is aware of the consequences and advantages of her situation. When you begin to worry about her and her situation, it may help to remind yourself that she has the option to leave if she chooses, but as you said, she wouldn't come even if you extended the invitation. Keep focusing on yourself.
