The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Isn't it funny how those new opportunities or directions in your life just seem to appear out of thin air? I am grateful that I have been able to grow through my participation in this program, or I would be completely lost in a maze of emotions right now. Not to say that what I am facing will be easy by any means, but I know that I can handle this.
One of the things I have started to realize as I progress through this program is that I have faced many ACOA issues through the course of my life. I do know for a fact that my parents did "party" before I was born, and when I was very little. My aunt and uncle have told me as much, and I do believe them. My mom exhibits so many of the "isms" and it has taken its toll on me as I have gone through my life. Its been very difficult for me to overcome these issues as the house rule has always been "Your mother is right, even if she is wrong....she is right!" and another of my personal favorites..."S#% always travels downhill." Not that being right is something that I concern myself with, I just struggle so much with getting along with someone that criticizes everything I do...and is not emotionally stable themselves. Yes, my mom has been through a lot, loosing her only brother at a young age, and her parents....but, she has never sought out any kind of help to cope with her issues. And mentioning to her that seeking some sort of help would have me out on my a$$ before I could blink. Not to take her inventory here, but it makes it that much harder to be me when I am her emotional scape goat.
Today before work she started an argument/altercation, which she is so very good at doing. Try as I may, it was bound to happen. I am seeing now that I need to do something about all of this to be able to maintain my sanity and serenity. That is to move out on my own. I know it will mean much more stress, as I am going to have to find a 2nd job, but I will not have to live in this negative environment. It has been a cycle I have lived for so many years....whenever I start to gain a little self confidence and become happy with who I am, in one instant it is all taken away from me by her taking out her issues on me. I can't live like this much longer. As time goes by try as I may, I can feel my soul being stretched thin.....wearing and dying inside because of problems that are not of my own.
I thank Alanon and all of you here. You have givin me so much, warmth and peace that I dont see all that much of outside of the room. It seems to me like a sign from my HP (God), that it is time for me to begin the next phase of my life. I know there is opportunity for failure, but I will be able to overcome, because I have all of you there with me in spirit. Please pray for me as I venture out into the world on my own.
YOU GO BOY!!!! Remember with your HP as your ever vigilant partner, you are not alone. I can so relate to living in such a toxic environment -- not my Mom, thank God, but toxic nonetheless.
When I moved out, I was very fearful and when the fear was beginning to win, I would say "if He brings me to it, He will bring me through it." I did not let the fear paralyze and stop me.
You know you can contact me at any time and if you keep our program at the forefront and do the footwork, your opportunities are boundless.
love ya,
Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You are so worth a normal life hon! You are going to do so well - the stress of work will seem like bliss because it will give you the freedom you have always wanted and have been so terrified of.
Don't doubt yourself in your ability to make ends meet. You are very smart and very capable of making it. As many of us ACOA's know it can be easy to bury ourselves when we are under stress and not reach out and ask for help. Many of us have been in your situation and understand how hard it is to build our confidence up for ourselves....on our own terms. What I have come to realize is that my self-confidence is my business as well. When it is tied to someone else it is really fragile. Your happiness belongs to you and you rock Buzz!!
Well, poison taken in small dosages doesn't harm, some are even healthy.
In case the toxins become too much , we are here, and I agree with the above: it's no crime to leave home. Of the five siblings in my family, 2 didn't make it, the 2 who stayed home with the a. The others built their own lives, separated themselves from the madness and survived.
Hmmmm. Toto says, don't burn all your bridges....whatever works positive for you....and a big prayer
Awwww....Buzzer!!!! I know you can do it!!! You have the love and support of everyone here in the chatroom and the program!!! Whatever happens in your life, we care about you and wish you the very best!! You're a good kid, take care of yourself and follow the direction HP sends you in. Much Love, SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
