The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The cycle of life with my A goes like this: he drinks, then starts drinking more, then starts badgering me about everything, then spends more time in the bar, makes mean comments to and about my son, and then there is a huge blow up when I can't take it anymore. The blow-up happened Wednesday night and yesterday I actually had a somewhat decent talk with my alcoholic husband. Although, while I was trying to talk to him, he started to watch TV and ignore me. On Wednesday, when I tried writing out bills while he was talking to me drunk, he had a fit about that. I told him to practice what he is preaching whether or not he's drunk. Surprisingly, he didn't get mad at me. He still didn't admit he has a problem, but he never will. He's never been to treatment or anything like that. Anyway, all is calm right now. There was a time when I would forget everything and things would go on. Things would be calm for months at a time. Now things are only calm for a day or two at a time before he starts in again. I noticed the cycle is much shorter now. I just came to that realization today. It's quite possible he's drunk as I write this. If not, he will start again tomorrow.
Is this how it goes; with the cycle getting shorter and shorter? Will things just worse if he doesn't do something about it? Did anyone else start out this way. I know there are people in much worse situations than I am in, but I can see this leading to the same life our neighbors are leading. Her husband is an A and they've been together for fifteen years. He is drunk constantly. I have rarely seen him sober. He cuts her down terribly in front of other people and she cries a lot. I don't want to get to that point, but I think I'm well on my way. Anyone else start out like me?
Alcoholism is a progressive ........ I won't say it and get you going.
What ever you call it or believe it is progressive. My therapist says that progression is a wonderful thing. Cause it's the only direction that will every lead to a bottom and them possibly getting better.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
"Will things just worse if he doesn't do something about it?"
Yes, I know from my own experience that it will continue to get worse. As Bob started to say, it is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease. As my disease progressed, my denial, delusional thinking, and deflection of blame became stronger and stronger. When I got to rehab, it became very clear. I, and the others there, have a disease that wants me dead. I cannot wish my way out of it. I can not think my way out of it. I can not plead my way out of it. Neither could the millions of alcoholics who came before or the ones right there in treatment with me. I've never met your husband, but if he is a real alcoholic (like me) he will not get any better over time without outside help. This is the reality of step one for both alcoholics and those in Alanon. Without this acceptance, there can be no hope of recovery for either.
"I don't want to get to that point, but I think I'm well on my way."
I'm sure that deep down beneath the denial, you're husband feels the same way about his drinking, and he hates himself for it. We all do. In that respect, you are both in the same boat without recovery. And I'm not just refering to HIS recovery.
I guess for me I stopped even paying attention. I work on me so whatever happens I act accordingly with alanon skills. My A is going to jail or prison. I am doing my best to think about how I will be, not about how he will be.
Yes he has cycles. But if I don't ride along, it is all his problem. Every time there is something pretty awful, at first I may be horribly hurt.. But every time I learn a bit more so next time it is no big deal.
Ya think you have been tore apart in every way you can be loving an A then the disease has a new twist.
He surely knows he has a problem. No one can not feel awful, as far as their body if they use that much. He surely has times he is confused and swears no more. But that is for him, not us.
Reading lit, coming here, being in meetings, talking to other alanoners can really help us to grow and be able to cont. to be involved with our A.
It can get so much worse, sadly it will. I have watched mine for over thirty years now. He used to be so handsome, played guitar so well he almost made it up there, but his budy who was very up there too, died from heroin and alcohol.
So instead of being happy playing musice with Hendrix, Rolling Stones and more, he is a drunk, so wrinkled he looks dead. Sold all his guitars and has lost his joy of singing. I tell ya this guy was an excellent bass player. He also played accoustic that would make your heart wanna dance.
so sad.
Anyway, since my hp has blessed me with loving unconditionally, I watch my A as he goes on his path with this horrible illness. Next stop, bars.
I find my a is drinking more now than ever, and I guess the next "phase" for him is where it will start to affect his work etc. He will no longer be a "functional" alcoholic....The roller coaster continues..
He's away on a holiday right now, somewhere warm, but I think I"m getting more of a holiday than he is.
Addiction is a progressive disease. It is common for the sober periods to become briefer. The addict can go less time between uses and the usage increase as his tolerance increases.
I have heard it often said that this progression should be seen in a postive light...the more it progresses, the closer he may come to recovery. I learned on another recovery board not to try to stop my A's using and stop trying to fix things before him because I may orevent the very crisis that will lead him to recovery.
My husband went a year and a half without using and then started back gradually. He has expanded to various drugs, more often, paying more money, doing more damage to his family, work, health...
As long as he thinks he can control it or pretends he can control it, he will not seek help. I, too, am able to pretend that it's not a big problem when he is able to go for weeks or months without using. I trick myself into thinking that things are all better now. Of course, I end up with a rude awakening each and every time.
Sounds like the speed of the cycle has increased. Would you say like a 48 hr. roller coaster? You will ride with him. Let him go down, while you find your top. I hope you are in face to face alanon meetings. I rode the 48 hours roller coaster and got very ill. It's taken medications to help my mood disorder I was left with.
