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After a couple of weeks of trying to stay clean and get his life together my brother relapsed again. Once again, we tried to help him while he was recovering from being shot in the eye. My mom let him stay at her place for a bit, but as soon as his eye was good enough to be able to put a contact lense in and he could see again, he took off and relapsed. Once again, he came back that night crying about what he had done and that he knew he had a problem and needed help. My mom had to kick him out because he had broken the rules. Lucky for him, his ex-girlfriend volunteered to let him stay at her place until he found a job (he had been job hunting during the week at mom's because she drove him around to drop off resumes).
His Ex drives a company car during the day so she let him use her personal car to drive around and drop off resumes (his truck was repossessed last week). I had suspicions the last couple days, but last night I caught him redhanded. He works for one of the major dealers in our city...picking drugs up, dropping them off, chauffering prostitutes around. The whole thing makes me sick. I can't believe my once sweet little brother has turned into a crackhead dealer pimp.
He's burned every bridge now. There's nothing more we can do until he comes to the realization that he really does have a problem and needs help. I don't know how many times he has come to us, crying hysterically, begging us to help him. Saying he knows he has a problem and he wants to go to rehab. We have always said we'd be there to support him when he wanted to get the help. Problem is, it's getting to be like the little boy who cried wolf. Everytime he does this, one of us agrees to take him in and let him stay with us until he can get into the next intake session for rehab. Then as usual, the lies start and he is eventually caught.
So last night when he got caught, same scenerio as usual...the crying, wants help, "please help me, I'm an addict, I can't help myself." I told him that we were no longer there to help because everytime we had tried to help he had used us. He needs to do it on his own if he wants the help. I wish one of these days he was sincere about wanting help, but we've been burned so many times by him how are we ever supposed to know if he really does want help? I told him that the next time we wanted to hear from him was if he was phoning from rehab. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
-- Edited by Jayda at 12:43, 2006-02-10
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Just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.
the only thing you can do is take care of you and to support him whenever he decides to get help. that doesn't mean to take him into your home, feed him, give $. be emotionally there for him. once he goes to rehab, the recovery just starts. he can't live in rehab forever. he'll need to cope with living in real life. just be there emotionally.
Thanks for your support. It's hard to tell someone that there's nothing you can do for them other than support them emotionally. Every time he has come to us in the past wanting help, we take him in because he cries about how his life is in danger and we are afraid to say no...because what if we refuse to let him in and he goes back to one of his crack houses and ODs or is killed? In the past 6 months 2 of his friends have been murdered and another shot and severely wounded...all by people my brother associates with. Not to mention my brother getting shot in the eye as well.
I know it's time to just move on and live my life and forget about worrying about what he is doing because I have no control over that. It's pretty hard to do because it's always in the back of your mind.
-- Edited by Jayda at 13:18, 2006-02-10
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Just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.
Your story sounds so familiar, my brother also cried, carried on, tryed over and over to get charge of his life until he finally gave up. And I live with the results. You must be strong and take care of you. I had to protect my children from his violent tenancy even when he was sober, he was so sensitive to the touch, and feelings because of the drugs and alcohol. He was so old beyond his yrs. My heart broke everytime I saw him. Yet, I knew it had to be his choice to get better. He had two visits to the rehab/detox. He hadn't told me about the 1st time. I found out later, from the neighbors who called the police, that he was acting so strange and yelling,so they called, and it took 6 officers to literally carry him to the police car, and they took him to the mental facility. He was there for awhile, not sick enough to be admitting for a long time, but too sick to be on his own. I was in the process of moving, staying in a motel, and he called my FIL to ask for a place to stay, and FIL told him to go to a homeless shelter, even though he had his own house ( which he had trashed to the point the board of health, wouldnt allow anyone to live there)...so he ended up in the shelter.
A few mos later, he went to a motel to live, he wouldnt go by the shelters rules of taking a life course, on helping him with money, jobs, a place to live. He thought he knew all the answers. He waited for his home to get cleaned up by a cleaning co. hired by the city, which he had to pay for afterward. He still was in trouble with substance abuse..tried to get into a program that started in Oct. I don't know if he made it or not.
He did get into another detox/rehab, of which he did not recover, by his own admission. He could not shake himself of his need to self medicate. And after that, he was completely on his own. I had to protect my children and family from him with tough love. I spoke with him on his cell phone, and he called a lot, and came to see my husband several times in his office. He was becoming dependent. Eventually he could not come to terms with it all. And he is deceased. I carry on somehow...knowing I did everything I could do possibly to help him without making him co dependent on me. It is HIS choice .
Please don't feel discouraged. And I don't want to make you feel bad with my story. Everyone has choices in their own recovery. Three wks after my brothers passing , a man who he had worked at before, came to his house looking for him...He had a job in the RV business for Mike. Mike didn't live long enough to even know opportunity was coming to his doorstep if only if he had hung in there emotionally only a few more wks...how ironic. Keep the faith. My brothers story is not every A's story. Sometimes they have to hit the bottom, before they can look up.
You are doing the right things...it is so hard to watch the ups and downs and the crash and burn things they put themselves through. It puts us through a kind of hell too. But we survive.
I wish you the very best, and know you are doing what you can. Its up to him entirely to get on the straight and narrow. I will be praying for your situation, if I can help in any way, let me know or email me. Take care of you, and I m praying for you all...love and hugs, kat
