The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Living with a laid off alcoholic is draining my energy. I don't know how long I can take this and how long I can keep avoiding a fight. Last night when I walked in the door, my husband was of course drunk. He wasn't stumbling around, which I would've preferred because then at least he would just pass out. He was just drunk enough to be obsessing about something. Here's what happened, my dad who is just plain evil has been trying to find out where I live. So far, he doesn't know. He's taking my brother and me to court, but I don't quite know why yet. Anyway, my brother, who lives in a group home, got some court papers in the mail, which he doesn't understand. He will send them to me so I can find out what they are. Anyway, earlier in the day, I told my husband about this. Maybe I shouldn't tell him anything anymore, but he was sober at the time and I should be able to talk to my own husband. By the time I got home, he was obsessing about this: talking about loading his gun, "putting a bullet in someone's head" etc. I was tired and just wanted to unwind from a long day. I also had a million things to do so I started writing out bills. My A then starts saying I shouldn't be writing out bills and he doesn't like being "discounted". I told him I can listen and write out bills at the same time. I'm not laid off and I need to be able to get a few things done at one time. He wouldn't stop talking. Then of course he has to talk about how I don't support him and never listen to him. He smelled of alcohol and I don't listen to him when he's drunk. He wouldn't just leave me alone. He started saying how I am always looking for a fight lately. I avoid going home as long as possible sometimes, but it is my home and I pay the bills there so I would like to be comfortable in my own home. Then he started smoking in the house...again. He doesn't smoke just regular cigarettes, but these nasty little cigars. I have asked him nicely not to do that before because I am allergic and my eyes will water and I won't stop coughing. The whole tiny house just reeked of it. I ended up blowing up at him and I went to bed. He followed me in and had to continue the fight. I just stopped saying anything and went to sleep. These things that happen are so trivial and stupid and even if the fights happen, each one destroys a little bit of my respect for him and our marriage. It is very hard to live like this. Any suggestions?? I'm just sad, disappointed and already planning on how to avoid going home today.
I have set a rule that there is no smoking in my house. I cannot be sick because of my boyfriend's addiction to cigarettes. He has to go outside to smoke. Why not start with one small thing like that and stick to it.
When my husband was fired his drinking dramatically increased and my quality if life became zero.
I sure can relate to the smell of alcohol and the drunken badgering conversations. I allowed myself to be abused in this manner for a few years.
My husband became sicker and sicker and I became sicker and sicker.
Then he turned yellow, yellow eyes, yellow skin and then, fianlly I looked for help.
I found out that he was an alcoholic. People online said to get to a face to face meeting.
I had no vehicle so when my husband was drunk I took his keys and went to a meeting of alanon.
I was told the 3 c's you did not cause it, you cannot cure it and you can't control it, it being his drinking.
I kept going to meetings, sometimes riding my bike, and sometimes taking his vehicle, eventually renting a car every Friday night to get to a meeting.
I listened to all of the experience strength and hope from others who were in or had been in a situation like mine.
I read the Courage to Change book, the getting them sober book.
I started to spend many hours working at my job and when it was late at work I would go to the library for awhile before walking home.
When I got home there would be my A, drunk, mean abusive. I tried to make boundaries but they never stuck.
I took 4 sleeping pills a night as he drunkenly tried to wake me up shining a light in my eyes.
I got up early and avoided my own home.
I took up residence Saturday and Sunday at the library.
I kept going to the alanon meetings and learned that I was in charge of my own life and my husband was in charge of his.
I stopped arguing with him at all about his drinking and bad behavior.
I bought a vehicle May 2005. When I brought it home I told my husband, see this shiny red truck? If you do not quit drinking I will leave in 2 weeks.
In 2 weeks I left.
I filed for divorce.
I am working on getting divorced.
My A called me 1/3/2006 yelling at me. He asked me where did I think he was? I wanted to say prison, hospital etc but I bit my tongue hard.
he was mad at me that since i left and was not supporting him now he had to get a job. he was stuck in traffic on the way to his new job (after 3 years 11 months of not working and drinking 24/7.)
He is still mad about this.
He wants me to stop the divorce.
I asked why?
He said in case I want to quit my job.
NOT!
This is just what i have experienced in my life.
I am sorry that you are suffering.
Living with an active alcoholic is a very difficult life
Take what you like and leave the rest
in recovery
megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Lindy - I felt like I was reading something I should be writing. Aside from the fact of no job (my A has a job) everything else sounded just like a night at my house.
It's really hard to detach when they just keep following you around and are in your face with one accusation after another.
Please read Megan's post - and again - she says it all - the misery of living with alcoholism.
I have no esh to add - just that I know, you are worth more than this - on this site you will find love and support - you deserve that, you deserve the best life you can make for you. Try to do some face to face meetings, keep coming here, keep believing, you did not cause this, nor can you cure it, nor can you control it. You are powerless over alcholol.
I am so sorry you are going though this pain, but, I think I can detect some strength there, some realisation, life does not have to be this hard, whether the A is drinking or not. Many of us have discovered a better way of life through the Alanon program, all we have to offer are the meetings, the literature, and our unreserved support for you.
