The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a hard time finding a site I felt would be helpful to post on.
I would appreciate some input as I have noone to discuss this with at the moment.
My A wife and I have been really struggling for the last 4-5 years. One seperation (her idea after a drunken fling with a bar buddy), many fights and after reading here and bit and on some AA sites, I can see that I have not helped the situation by making excusses to our friends and family and avoiding volitile situations for quite some time.
She is not admitting to any problem with alcohol and projects her dissatisfaction in her life on me. We acturally lead a very adventurous live. We "do" 5 times more stuff than anyone I know. Yet her biggest complaint of me is that we never do anything and never have anything planned for entertainment.
I have had a hard time determining if the root cause is the alcohol or if she is self medicating some mood disorder, clinical depression or something. Regaurdless of the "root" cause she has a drinking problem now, which has left us friendless and controls much of our activity choices.
I am so emotionally burned out by trying to entertain the mood swings out of her and having her barage me with how all this is my fault that I am just beside myself. It has effected her relationship with our kids as well, and she doesn't seem to realize it.
I am torn between trying to use the techniques you describe to carve my own life out of this and stay there, or simply quit. I feel very selfish for some reason.
I love her very much, and I think she loves me too. I wouldn't divorce someone with cancer, but her lack of desire to even consider any treatment is driving me insane. It has really come to a head lately.
Any words of wisdom?
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
welcome to Alanon. It is a place where you will find the tools, understanding and support you need whether you decide to stay or "quit" so for now, read, share, try the program out, regardless of you decision you will learn how to take care of you. And in the long run, if we do not learn to take care or us, find out our part in the insanity, then we are bound to end up there again.
Get thee to an Al-Anon meeting quick, alcoholism is like a roller coaster ride that never ends. What was exceptable yesterday is not today. When u live with alcoholism we all go a little nuts. Trying to live up to the expectations of an A is impossible they keep uping the bar and we never quite make it. Unfortunatley that leaves us the non drinker feeling like a failure and so we just try harder. trying to solve a problem tht has nothing to do with us. We are not the reason they drink, they drink because they have a problem period.
Everything we try to stop it is doomed to fail it is simply not our problem to fix. plain and simple.
Al-Anon will help you alot u will learn about the disease of alcoholism and gt a different perspective of what is really going on. there is nothing u can do to change her but alot u can do for yourself.
here is the toll free international number for info in your area 1-888=4alanon. There is also a program for teens which is sponsored by Al-Anon members great for kids u can find info about thier meetings too at the same time. good luck Louise
The trouble with 'just quitting' is that whatever led you to chose HER, out of all the women in the world, will just lead you to another, unless you work on your own end of it. Whether you stay or go, some tools to help you lead a healthier life will come in handy. Welcome.
I know exactly what you mean about the isolation, it's hard to socialize with other couples when you live with an a, unless you socialize with other a couples...oh what fun..not really. I have had many people come and go in my life and I am sure I subconciously push people away. Stay or go? Not an easy choice. I stay because in my own twisted logicv I think the kids are safer. I can protect them from him when I'm around, if we separate, he gets unsupervised access, something I can't live with at present.
On a positive note, al-anon gives you tools to survive, and yes to live. To move on and move forward. Keep coming back, you're not alone.
Welcome to Miracles In progress. You have come to the right place there are people here who are going through or have been through very similiar situations to you. They are loving and caring and will laugh and cry with you & can help you cope better with the stressful situation you are in.
This situation is not your fault. Alcoholics are very good at manipulating others and will go to extraordinary lengths to enable them to keep on drinking they will do or say almost anything to prevent them from being parted with their beloved bottle. The three C's are used often on this site; You didn't Cause it You can't Control it You can't Cure it
It is very difficult to determine sometimes what is wrong with your spouse, do they have depression? Do they suffer from anxiety? Do they have bi-polar disorder? The symptoms for many physciatric illness (Did I spell that right) are the same as those from alcoholism i still dont know whether my loved one has bi-bolar disorder or is just an angry alcoholic the physcologist (sorry spelling not too good) just asked me the other day 'Well do you think he has bi-polar or is just an angry alcoholic?' Sometimes even the experts don't have the answers.
The emotional roller coaster is extremely stressful and exhausting. I can hear how tired you are of it.
Just take one day at a time! If you can't do one day just try an hour at a time. There is another way to live, a happier, healthier way. I can guarantee you that she does love you with all her heart my A loved me with all his heart also, but he just couldn't get on the water wagon, after a huge amount of heart ache, abuse lies, money problems here i am at 31 with a 4 year old son and a messed up marriage trying to start again.
Why do you feel selfish? You only want to have a happy healthy family and a good relationship with your wife.....
You know some days I am just all WHY WHY WHY and my friend says to me Ava you can say WHY ME till your blue in the face and it wont change anything.
Thank you all very much. I needed another perspective on this. Unfortunately I didn't marry an A she picked up that trait after years of caring deeply for each other. Now we have a 21 year old and an 11 year old.
I have a lot to think about.
Thanks again. - R
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Great feedback you've already gotten. Just be sure to understand that carving out your own life doesn't necessarily mean 'quitting'. There are many if not at least 1/2 in Alanon that are able to do that and stay. They manage to find their serenity, and live with active alcoholism. Others find that it doesn't work for them. That's one of the wonderful things about this program.
Those who chose to stay need this program to keep that serenity. Those that chose to leave, they need it too. As someone mentioned about finding a woman like this and repeating it. I'm learning tons about myself and why I picked the wife and before that, the women I have. That can help me now, because it can help me understand and gain awareness and acceptance of how I got here and to try to have healthy relationships where possible with those around me. In the future if I did leave, hopefully I could make better choices in partners and be more healthy myself.
One thing you said that struck me as feeling selfish. It seems to be common among people like myself (not necessarily you) that are prone to choosing people that need rescueing and fixing. I became so imeshed into others, and attempted to build my self esteem by building others instead, that working on myself does feel selfish at times. My A who is used to years of me putting myself last is having a fit calling me selfish now. It's hard for everyone involved to flow this change. The dynamic of loving and caring for oneself was foreign to me.
I took care of others and expected them to do the same. Kinda dumb. I picked someone that I perceived as needing fixing and rescuing. Worked on fixing them. When that failed, I expected them to be there for me. To allow me my own life and even to prop me up a bit. Well if they 'needed' my 'help' before, and my help failed, how in hell are they in any position to offer me anything I need?
I've literally put myself in a position to have my needs unmet, especially if I fail to realize that I'm responsibile for meeting most of those myself.
The program suggests not making any life changing decsions for awhile. My memory is failing me but I think I've heard a specific amount of meetings but 6 months also comes to mind. The 6 months works for me.
Get to a f2f meeting, get to our online meeting here. Dive into it and give it a try.
Not alot of guys reach out for the help that can be found here. You've already taken a big step by coming here.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I have been with my husband for almost 20 years now. He's been drinking for most of that time. Two years ago he went through treatment and has now discovered that an occasional beer is ok. Craziness is how I define our home life. I have just recently found this board myself and by spending a few days of just reading, I finally worked up enough courage to attend a meeting. And boy am I glad that I did! Before I had gone, I pointed out to him that I COUNTED him drinking 5 beers from the 1/2 to the finally of the super bowl. A couple days after my meeting he pointed out that there were only 9 beers in the box, so how could he have drank 5 in that amount of time. Instead of getting angry and reminding him that he was dipping in to his friends beer, I told him that I've come to dicover that I realized that the beer bottles weren't MINE to count. That it was his problem, not mine. For the first time in years he was speachless. I'm not gonna sugar coat this, he had a very hard time the first couple of days after the meeting. I have started working out, eating better, going to church and now Al-Anon. He's threatened, but you know what.......he went to two meetings so far this week and he's going to an all day event at a treatment center on Sunday with someone he met at another facility! I'm not holding my breath but I'm proud of the little steps he's willing to take. Outside of that.....I am proud of myself for the first time in years. I am spending more time listening to my children and my own feelings. And alot less time in self pitty. I spent far too much time already screaming at him about what it is that ME and the even the kids do that is so wrong that he finds more happiness in that bottle. Only to discover that it's noone else's fault. He's sick, hell, I'm sick. But I'm working on making myself well. And that's what I explained to him when he asked if WE were ok. I explained that I love him very much, but that I'm tired of being sick with him. I needed serenity and whatever form of sanity I could get. Listen to the people here, without this board I wouldn't have acquired the courage to do this for myself. Best of luck to you, you'll be in my prayers.
Bob - I have noticed the audience here is a little skewed to one gender... LOL I really don't mind either way, my mother participated in Al-anon when I was young. The consepts of what has been said is not foreign to me. Guess I just need reminding.
I am not sold on leaving my wife. That alone as each of you have said, is not the answer to my issues. At times I think our 11 year old is the only reason I stick it out. When I hit that point is when I start battling with: is it really better for me to show him it is ok for people to stick it out within a household that is not healthy or happy and just grin and bare it.
Or in the long run would he be better spending at least part of his life in a place that is "hopefully" in better shape. I can see traits in him that have been born of this issue. Insecurity, constant stomac issues with no physical causes.
The downside is that if we seperated, I think it would make her issue worse and I don't think that would be good for our kids or her. That's the unknown... my perception that she wouldn't seek help from anything outside a small aluminum can. I told her once a couple of years ago that if she didn't get some treatment for the drinking that I was leaving and her response was, "fine, go..."
I am going to stick around here for a bit and try to settle myself down before I make any decissions. Thank you for your support. You'll know how much I needed it.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think the not making any major changes for a while is a good stance to take. At the same time one can think of ways one can improve one's life and that in itself is a major major change.
Obviously being responsible about a relationship that has involved a lot of commitment is honorable but it is also honorable to acknowledge there are issues. Usually there are issues on both parts. Many of us in Al-anon find that the way we responded to the A caused problems. I know for me I learned to over react as part of a dysfunctional chlidhood where literally the children were in role reveral with the adults.
If you stick around in Al-anon you will find many people who have struggled with a lot of the issues you are facing. The personal experience helps me a lot rather than an abstract focus.
... Usually there are issues on both parts. Many of us in Al-anon find that the way we responded to the A caused problems. ... Maresie.
Maresie,
You are more than right. I am not here to bash my wife or get confirmation that none of this is my fault. With all the good intentions in the world I have seen first hand that the way I have reacted and handled the situations in our life has done nothing to make the quality of our lives any better. I have been around the disease enough in my life to know that it's not her fault, but I was pretty young at the time. I didn't know what I didn't know. (if that makes any sense)
As I read more on here I can pick out decissions that I have made over time that has made this worse without a doubt. At the very least I can try to stop doing that for now while I figure out where to go from here.
Thanks - r
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
