The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Everyone, I am new to the forum but not new to addiction. My name is Carla, and I'll try to explain in a nutshell my story. I come from a broken home with an alcoholic father that abused us kids and my mom. He abandoned us for an 18 yr old girl( I was 14 then). 21 years later, he called and wanted to speak with me, as his wife(now 39) had left him, and he was contemplating suicide. I had lived with anger, hatred towards him all my life and I was not about to talk to him, to make him feel better. He did as he said he would. Anyway, that is a whole other post. I am now in a 3 yr relationship with a recovering addict. The whole world of drugs was new to me and when he relapsed, it was the worst time of my life. I then realised how insecure I was, how many deep issues I had that I had just pushed under the rug.
I decided to start Alanon meetings. He actually was always telling me to go. I've been going for about 1 month and I bought a few of the books. I read them more than once a day, just to get my fix.
What bought me to Alanon was my Addict. Even though he is not active, he still has addictions of other sorts. I found him 4 times on dating sites, the most recent was late Nov, just a couple of months ago. He then took those off and now his latest is porn. He has been unfaithful to me and I found that out by getting into his emails. Something I am not proud of but I felt I had no choice, I guess it was my way of controlling the situation.
He works evenings, so because we dont live together, we talk on the phone at night before we go to bed. It was 1am last Thursday, we said our "I love yous" and we both yawned and went to sleep. So I thought. Come to find out, he called a girl from his job right after he hung up with me (it was 1am for goodness sakes)! I was so upset and I broke it off. Two days later, I was at his door begging him to forgive me for snooping, and to give us another chance. He did, but not before throwing it in my face that "I broke up with him".
I felt so desperate, so disappointed in myself, so stupid, so weak. How could I have stooped so low to take back my word about breaking up. I thought I was getting better at this "taking no crap" stuff. I was so hurt, I was shaking, I couldnt breathe, at the thought of him being with someone else. He is very attractive, but he has such low self-esteem that he seems to need this kind of attention from other women. I just am tired of blaming his actions on "its a disease". Why do I continue to accept being lied to, and betrayed because of his insecurities? I have some serious issues I really just need to continue coming here and to my meetings.
There are days that I obsess about what he may be doing at home 24/7. Today, I have tried to not let it consume me, but it still has. I take no blame for his actions, I know it has nothing to do with me....but, it still hurts. I accept the lies time after time, I keep staying and hurting myself.
It is like Fire and Ice. When we are together, it is magic. He loves my kids, they love him. We laugh, we play, we talk, we connect in so many ways. We both agree that we have never had it so good. But is it really good? When he continues to let his addictive personality destroy us? I dont get it.
I have three slogans that I got from my readings this morning, and I posted them on my desk in front of me:
1. Dont think things to death. 2. Stop being an emotional drunk. 3. How important is it?
Glad you are here!! I have gone through some of the same stuff. Sometimes we just have to weigh the good against the bad and decide if we are willing to live this way for the rest of our lives or if we want better.
You have come to the right place. Everyone here is so loving! I'm also glad you are going to f2f meetings too.
i hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but i think you are insecure from what happened when you were a kid. have you heard of baby/daddy syndrome? it's where women try to replace something they lost from their dad. they are also insecure when it comes to men and tend to be a doormat. they go for the wrong kind of guys. and they put up with things that they shouldn't. they also think everything is their fault, they make excuses for the men, and are dependent on having someone. maybe this identifies with you.
i think you might be making excuses for him. "well at least he's not addicted to alcohol/drugs." but whether it's gambling, porn, other women, whatever-addiction is addiction! from the way it sounds, it sounds a bit like he's using you and as a doormat.
i'm sorry if i offended you.
if i were you, i would probably start a new life without him. it's going to be hard and a bit lonely at times. but i think in the end, you will be a happier person and find someone who appreciates you for you.
I tend to agree with Flintfeet in a sense. You' may be having trouble sticking to your boundaries due to abandonment issues. It's certainly not unheard of to seek in a man what you didn't get from your father, and at the same time like your father. Your partner gives you the love, yet abandons you for his addictions. Same here. It's a huge internal tug of war. My biological father abandon Mom and I, then Mom remarried when I was almost 3. My stepdad was really the only Dad I ever knew. He had custody of 2 daughters. I was always treated a bit differently by him and couldn't really understand since to me, he was my Dad.
When my sponsor first asked me if I could come up with some similarities between my husband and Father, I couldn't, (my Dad wasn't an alcoholic). Then she asked me a few questions and I got the "aha! moment" Once we realize where all these feelings come from we can begin to feel, deal and heal. Loving someone with an addiction can be a pretty lonely place. No matter what you try to to do to change it, it will always come first, not you. You can't win. The addict is the only one that can change it and they have to do it for themselves, doing it for someone else will never work long term. It sounds like your guy may have a sex addiction, which is treatable too. But like alcoholics, many are in denial and have to admit it first, even then, it doesn't mean they will do anything about it.
Keep coming back to work on and find you..
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
JCSunshine wrote: Why do I continue to accept being lied to, and betrayed because of his insecurities? I have some serious issues I really just need to continue coming here and to my meetings.
***********You continue to accept this behavior simply because you have just begun working on yourself and your own issues. Give yourself some time.
If you don't work a program of recovery, chances are very high that the next relationship you get into will be with the same type of man......basically emotionally unavailable due to some issue of his own be it addiction/porn/alcohol...whatever.
Besides coming here and to your meetings, something that will make a huge impact on your recovery would be to get a sponsor and work the 12 steps. Doing so will help you understand why you are attracted to the types of men you are, will bring to light the things about yourself that need changing, and will also show you how to change those things.
As they say in the program, it works if you work it!
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Baby steps, don't beat yourself up. Keep working on your recovery, and eventually you will come to a place where you can say - "I deserve better!"
You don't get over a lifetime's worth of issues just by saying you will - it takes hard work. The good thing though, is that things start to get better right away, you don't have to be completely 'cured' for your life to improve. Maybe next time you are at odds with your boyfriend, you are able to set a small boundary, and stick to it. That would be real progress, even if it's not the whole journey. I remember the first time I said to my husband "I love you, but I'm not going to let you talk to me like that,", and walked out. I couldn't believe that in nearly 20 years of marriage I had never done that - it was so easy. No screaming, no crying, no "how can you do this to me', just quiet and dignified refusing to accept unacceptable behaviour. Of course, since then, I have sometimes not done so well, but I know it is possible, and it gets easier every time.
An alanon book you may find helpful is "From Survival to Recovery" - it is aimed at adult children of alcoholics.
Thank you all for replying to my post. I just knew you would understand. See, I know all the right things to do, think and feel...I just can't right now. I am really trying to detach with love. We usually see each other on Weds nights, but last night I decided to get a good night's sleep instead. He gets home at midnight, and I have to get up at 6am. Normally, I would just put my tiredness last, and I would go to his place...I guess moreso for me. Last night when I told him I was going to bed early and he can call to just say goodnight, he seemed shocked. I am pretty sure he is wondering what is going on. Anyway, usually I would do that kind of stuff to just get his attention, as men seem to love the chase, but this time, I did it because..I really just wanted to get some good rest. To me, that is baby steps, progress..not perfection. I do know that I would be happier without him, and yes, I have weighed the good with the bad, and the bad is really unecessary, I dont deserve to be lied to and betrayed...I guess I am not that strong and well yet emotionally to really believe it, and do something about it. I need more time to work on me,to develop my self esteem, to get over my fear of abandonment, and yes, to stop expecting to find what I didnt get in my father, from the men I choose. I believe that getting to the point of forgiving my father may help me greatly to let go of the baggage which has consumed me. I have been through the fire and I came out burnt and scarred. As long as I keep the focus on me, I'll be okay. Eventually, I will be able to get up off the floor and stop being a doormat. Thanks family for listening.
I can relate a lot to your story. I have always over extended myself. I dont think boundaries just click in over night. If you stay with this group you will hear a lot of talking about boundaries and limits and setting goals. I think that can be incredibly helpful. I also have a lot of abandonment issues which I work on all the time. I try to set a lot more limits than I used to and mean them.
I hope you will stick around for the process. For me its been a very very long one.
I really just need to continue coming here and to my meetings. 
