The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read the book 'Women Who Love Too Much' & recognised myself in it. Being attracted to 'wrong' men... etc.
The author suggests joining Al-Anon or something similar. I'm not sure if I 'qualify' for going there. What do you think?
I don't have an alcoholic in my immediate family, except for an uncle (Dad's brother) who has sought treatment and is sober and regularly attending meetings, and a long-dead Grandpa - my Mom's Dad was apparently an alcoholic. He never sought treatment, we didn't even see him that way, but Granny said years after he died, when relating how much he drank every day, and I suggested it sounds almost as if maybe he was almost an alcoholic, 'Not maybe - He was an alcoholic'.
My first boyfriend was abusing alcohol and drugs, so I left him. But I've been attracted to men who had similar problems, or were emotionally unavailable or depressed or all of it.
I'd like to break a pattern & the book says it's impossible to break it alone. I'd prefer a group approach to 'therapy'.
I do relate to some of the postings here, so I'll just keep browsing around if I don't pluck up the courage to go to a 'real' meeting.
I'm focusing on myself - daily walk/jog, healthy food, liquid intake... doing things I like... & biting my tongue when I want to 'help' or give advice unsolicited... (My sister is overweight & my parents are overly critical, especially Mom, especially to Dad. It bothers me but I try to avoid further conflict, or leave if necessary. But then I'm the 'bad one'. Ah well... I'll be 30 this year too...)
If you feel your life has been affected in any way by alcohol/addiction than Al Anon is for you.
If your grandpa was an alcoholic, then your mom was raised by an alcoholic. Therefore, you were raised by an untreated Anon (unless your mom had attended Al Anon) and this most definately could have an effect on you that you don't even realize, such as your attraction to men who are emotionaly unavailabe.
Stick around, keep reading and sharing........I believe you will find a lot that you can relate to here.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
this habit can be broken!! decide what you want and what is important to you.
i had the same attraction to men that in my heart i knew were not good for me.
finally i got the courage to move on!! i forgot about men all together. i even left most of my "friends" behind. they were not good for me and i think i was a better friends to them than they ever would have been to me. they fueled my flame when it came to meeting "wrong" people. they were not who i wanted to be and i didn't want my life to end up like their's. i needed to start a new life. i did my own thing. i focused on school, my job, myself.
then shortly after that a man approched me that i would normally NEVER go for. he was in the airforce, good looking, funny, very smart, and most of all-he had his life straight. so i said what the hell. i went out to dinner with him. now 7years later, we are married and have 2 kids together. i look back at "what could have been." all i can do is thank god that my life changed.
no lie--it can be done! i did it the hard way (by myself with no support system). it was a bit lonely-didn't have many friends at first, no boyfriend, no one to talk to. i would reccomend having some support though. i am very proud of myself, my life, and love the way the story ended. you can do it. make yourself proud!!
Yes, I think it might have to do with the way I was raised.
My Mom is just an overly critical person and sometimes it makes no sense. If I had a husband such as my father I would consider myself lucky and count my blessings. (But it's true he does sometimes make her angry on purpose.)
However, her Mom (my Granny) was overly quiet and never really stood up for her. My Aunt (Mom's sister) is the same and developed cancer 10 years ago (and a husband who had onn-off problems with alcohol, but is now mostly sober due to health problems - I think). Mom just went into the other direction. But still maintains the 'martyr' & 'over-involved' syndrome.
I made the huge mistake of wanting to change my parents a couple of years ago - I now know this is impossible. They are as they are. I *wish* they would change but ah well...
Am thinking to ask my cousin if she'd want to go to one of the meetings with me - what do you think? (I know we're supposed to focus on ourselves but I'd really like to go with someone I know.)
I really want to 'get my life together' but don't know where to start, almost! I've finished education that enables me to do things I don't want to do (bad experience), and am not sure what job to go for.
Ooh, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one who has jitters to go there in the first place!
Yes, I realized as I was typing my answer above that my cousin was deeply influenced by her parents' behaviour also & that she might indeed benefit. We'll see if she's willing to go.
Getting a friend to come along is a really good idea, and will be Plan B if cousin didn't wish to go.
Al anon is not too worried about 'should' and 'shouldn't' - if having someone at the meeting with you helps, why not? Our 'rules' are the twelve traditions, and some meeting protocol - we try not to give advice, we don't interrupt when someone is sharing at a meeting, and we don't 'cross talk' at meetings - comment directly on what another person is saying (this varies from meeting to meeting). So many of us have lived in situations where we are not really allowed to say what we feel, we are expected to participate in the denial all around us. It is helpful just to be able to talk and share our own reality.
I wouldn't worry too much about 'qualifying" - I know I have come across stories in alanon literature about people who only went to meetings because they were accompanying a shy friend, who after a while discovered that they DID qualify "So that's why mom was always so strange in the late afternoon..." "So that's why grandpa..."
It's helpful to know a bit what to expect. The meetings really sound like a good thing for me right now.
I realized that as I stopped focusing on 'helping' others I felt increasingly 'empty', angry and frustrated. Like a 'withdrawal symptom' - & it's difficult to face my own inner turmoil and lousy self-esteem. I'm just terrified of doing the things I want to do.
It's true things are sort of stressful around here right now, with Granny being operated again, etc. She never told the doctors what she wanted in the first place!!
And the Valentine's Day coming up, ugh.
I've usually always been the strong one around my friends, but right now I seem to react overemotionally 'to every little thing'. I feel so frustrated! There seem to be obstacles everywhere... Ah well...
I guess I won't go until the next week, when I've 'gotten myself together' somewhat!
