The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
16 years ago my alcoholic husband went to AA and got sober.He has been sober ever since.The relationship seems to have had it's ups and downs but this time it has really hit the bottom.He met someone online,another recovering alcoholic and he wants to persue that relationship.Soon as we can sell our house we will be separating.I have gone to Al Anon off and on.Whenever I noticed the crazies coming back I would get out the literature and it always helped to put me back on track.Not working this time.Guess it's time to go back to meetings again.I'm not feeling those 'crazies',just emptiness.I know I need to keep the focus on me but when I do it's just empty,there is nothing there.I need to put something there but I do not know how.36 years of marriage is a long time.It is my lifetime.I was just a kid,17 when I married him.The in between time while we sell the house is difficult.I wish I could move out now,then sometimes I wish he would change his mind and ask me to stay.When I am in a healthy state of mind I want the marriage to end.I have wanted that for a long time.But that old comfort zone keeps creeping up and the fear creeps in.Most of the time I actually hope that this person he met turns out to be right for him.I know I am not right for him.Our sicknesses kept us together all these years.I want him to be happy.He can never be happy with me.I will never be happy with him.Most of the time he is also strong and wants to end the marriage even if the other relationship does not work out.But sometimes fear takes hold of him as well.I worry that he will ask me to stay and I may give in though I know in my heart it would not work out.Nothing will change.We are still who we are.Hopefully someone out there has felt this way and can give me some feedback on the emptiness.
Hugs Diane. 36 years is a long time and a lot of history and memories there. I guess you are feeling broken inside because it was your husband's decision to end the marriage and not yours, even though in your heart you knew it was over. Make sure you do let your feelings out. It is a natural process to help your healing and if you can get yourself to a counsellor. Did you ever get a sponsor? If you did unload to them a bit as well they will help you through it. Keep in touch so I know that you are okay. I am thinking of you across the miles. Luv Leo xx
It seems to me that what you are feeling is reasonable, given what is going on. There is no way for this not to be hard. I wouldn't worry too much about I was supposed to feel or not feel. Just allow yourself your feelings, good, bad and empty, and keep living as healthy a life as you can, emotionally, physically, spiritually. This is going to take some time to get over, and you will probably feel lots of things in the course of it, and some of them will surprise you.
Iam in exactly the same place as you are at the moment. 30 years married here. Hubby still very active though so that's kinda different and as far as I know, no on-line reationship. Like you, I can make a good decision when I am strong and then, oh boy!!!! , the weakness sets in and back to square one lol. Habits of a life time are hard to break. You said it so well though - he's no good for you and you're no good for him - my feelings too:) We just don't know what the future will bring but everyone tells me it will get better.Change can be so hard but I cling on to the fact that there's a life out there - many people to meet, things to do, places to visit - just keeping busy I guess.
Lots of love to you and I hope you keep coming to chat. Keep talking and and remember we are here for you.
Alanon can do miracles for us, but I don't think any of us could go skipping happily through a divorce, especially after being married as long as you have. Even though you acknowledge that you just aren't good together it is scary to change all you know. I think too there must be a bit of grieving, it is a loss.
After all Alanon has done for me, the reality is it cannot fill the void of missing what my A and I used to have. I can fill my time with friends and activities and that helps a lot, but there is always a place in my heart that wishes my A was sharing these moments with me. I do accept him for who he is, but I sure miss who he was and what we had.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't know if i understand your pain as 36 years is a long time. I'm so sorry to hear of what you are going through and send you hugs and warmth...
I just left my alcoholic boyfriend, and I thought one thing might be helpful to you. The last many months I kept thinking if i changed this, or he does that, things would change. And at certain points I was certain I would leave. but i would then leave the house into "the world" and be petrified of being alone. And I'd run back inside too afraid, preferring to be with him than being alone. somehow i did find the strength (helped by his continued behaviour only getting worse and not better) and now I've left him and I've moved out, and am indeed on my own. the feeling i now have of relief and calm and peace is extraordianairy. I am grateful the torment is over, and the "not knowing" and the waiting for the next incident is gone from my life - virtually. I still have the feelings come up, and am reminded that i don't have to have them anymore. surprisingly i got me back. my only point is that that feeling of fear of leaving (or being left) is not even close to as scary when you are actually gone. its almost like the brink - the bitter end, and then its over, and you have your freedom to be you - YOU. and i breath a lot easier now. and i find good things are coming my way and i continue to ask if i deserve these good things? for so long i didn't think so. now that i am "out" i am starting to tell myself that yes, i do deserve these things.
This sounds like a rough time. I can hear it in your post. My parents divorced after 31yrs. My dad the A and still active to this day. My mom attended one al anon meeting early in their marriage. So strong and healthy were not words I would have used to describe my parents at the time of divorce. It has been 4 years since their divorce and I think they are both happier. I can say for sure my mom is happier and I think my dad is. I know it took time, but I saw them both get better to some degree. My mom was the most improved. Much more content with life and herself. Enjoying life again. She is remarried to a man we all love and is not an A/addict. I am so happy that she somehow found her strength to finally move on. We (the kids) all knew it was just a matter of time that she would do this.
I love my dad, but his alcoholism and who knows what else really makes it hard for me to have a very fulfilling relationship with him. I need a lot a boundaries. It took my dad some time to come to grips with the divorce, but he has told me he is glad it happened. So even in a relationship that was so far gone a divorce was not an immediately relief for either of my parents. There was still a sort of greif process they went through. Like you mentioned, in strong times you know it's for the best, but there are times of doubt. It's not an easy thing no matter the circumstances. I think my parents both knew it was the best for them both and are glad they it's over and they are on to better things in life!
There is life after. Good luck to you. My prayers and thought are with you.
I can not think of anything to add to what the others have said. But I thought one can never get too many hugs, support and prayers. So that is what I have to give.
Keep coming back and know that you are not alone.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Thanks,Leo for the kind words.You are right,even though I have known for some time that the marriage was not good,the fact that it is he ending it,not me,is rather hard to accept.The thing is, I do not think I ever would have had the courage to end it.As a typical Al Anon, I have always thought that without me keeping everything together,his world would fall apart.I did not want to be responsible for that.Even now,this online relationship is so uncertain.You just can't really know someone that way.Once they meet it may not work out..But now I can say that he caused this, not me.As I said before in some strange way I really hope his relationship does work out.Then I can be free to move on and not feel guilty or have to turn him down and be strong when he comes running back.It's always been difficult to put myself first.Probably because I had no self.I have had a sponsor in the past.I stopped going to meetings and lost touch with her.I need to find another sponsor,that is for sure.The responses I have recieved here are very encouraging.I tell myself there is life after this.A better life.
Ellie,that was very encouraging for me to read,thank you.That fear,I know it so well.We have talked about splitting up before but neither of us had the courage.He has fear too,he's afraid he may be making a huge mistake right now and he knows he could end up with no one.He is willing to take that chance.Having someone else potentially lined up helps I guess.That is why I am somewhat grateful that this has happened even with the fear.It's the only thing,other than myself having found someone else,that would have ended this unhappy marriage.You did it.You got out and can testify that life is better.I needed to hear that.It's amazing how we can tell ourselves it's not so bad.I even got so scared that I told him if it doesn't work out with her I would go back to him.That was on one of my bad days.The next day I was back in my right mind and I told him I didn't mean that.I deserve better than to be someone's fall back.You do deserve those good things,Ellie.And so do I.I am looking forward to that calm and peace you mentioned.I will create my own safety.
Thanks for all the great responses.And thanks for the prayers.
When I came to Al Anon 16 years ago it was because I was told I had to.My recovering A sister said that my husband would be getting healthier now that he was sober and if I didn't go to Al Anon I would stay sick and I would lose him.Now that my marriage is ending I am looking back over the 36 years and I can honestly say that things did not get better,they got worse.I don't want to discourage anyone but in my case my A has gotten harder to live with and it has been harder for me to deal with him sober than when he was drinking.I know that must sound strange.We just want them to quit drinking so all will be well.Doesn't always work out that way,does it?I guess we both got healthier and realized we should have left years ago.We have realized our incompatability but fear kept us immobilized.I guess that's it.I would not want him back drinking either.I like me better now.I know it is only my unhealthy side that would stay with him.I am working to make my healthy side strong.My higher power is looking out for me and I lean on that.Thanks again for all the love,ES & H.Especially the hope.
Diane: What a difficult place to be in. I think living with any addict whether they are sober or not is difficult. I do not think I would do it again. I know that I do not want the hard life now but as you have said it is hard to move out of the comfort zone. So what can you do to get you through this time. Can you access more resources for yourself. Can you see a counselor. Can you think about where you might live. I try to come up with plans a,b,c,d these days because al-anon suggests it not because I particularly want to.
I am glad that you are here and seeking support for yourself.
