The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Please forgive me and delete this if its not what/where I'm supposed to post. I looked for an introduction board or "where to start" instructions. This is my absolute first contact with forums or 12-step anything. I tried to read all the guidelines and information, but my world is so chaotic right now, I feel like my head is going to explode and I can't seem to retain anything I've read.
I've been told to go to an Al-anon meeting, but it will be a few days before there is one in my area that works with my schedule. I also seem to have absolutely no control over anything that goes on and planning to do things never works out...so no idea if/when that will actually happen, but I can get online so I'm starting here.
A few weeks ago, I went on a quest to figure out how to keep my boyfriend from picking fights with me when he's drunk. The fighting is a new development, the drinking is not. I don't know whether or not anything changed with him or if I just started reacting differently. He's doing what he's always done, but I've turned into this pathetic, useless, obsessive person I don't recognize. I read websites, bought books, saw a counselor from my EAP and learned there's nothing I can do to change him. I accept that. I told him I'm losing my mind, the problem is me, and I need him to get out of my house so I can work on my issues. To my surprise, he accepted responsibility for his actions, acknowledged his drinking is the problem and stopped. He's wasn't at the point where he's willing to admit drinking is a problem for him that he doesn't have control over, but I pick my battles, so I accepted it. The last two weeks were amazing...
Until last night when he came home drunk and started it all again. As suggested in "The Recovery Book," I video recorded about 30 minutes of the argument on my phone so I could show him, during his next moment of clarity, how ridiculous he gets. I watched it this morning and it appears the things I say and do when he's drunk are far less sane than his actions. He can use being drunk as an excuse, I can't.
I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't know how to stop. I don't know where to begin figuring it out. In all this reading, I've accumulated a ton of knowledge about respecting myself a little, setting and enforcing boundaries, not enabling or trying to control him, etc. I'm not sure how I forgot all of that when I felt the need to yell at him to get out, then chase him outside, jump into the passenger side of his car, yank his keys out of the ignition and run barefoot down the alley, crying hysterically while begging him to just come back and stop being mean.
I wasn't always this crazy. Aside from being distracted, obsessing over these incidents, I'm not crazy in other areas of my life.
Can anyone else relate to this? Is this what Al-anon helps with? If not, please let me know, because the only other thing I can think of is to check myself into a mental hospital.
I am so happy that you found us and reached out . You have posted to the correct place and have reached people who understand and can identify exactly with what you are sharing and living.
I am glad that you have found alanon face to face meetings in yoru community and plan to attend. It is at these meetings that I was able to break the isolation caused by living in the insanity of this disease, and develop new constructive tools to live by. I can so identify with being more insane than the alcoholic and realizing I was doing it sober and really needed help. Al-Anon had the answers , as did the online meetings here and sharing on this board.
You are not alone and I urge you to keep coming back and check out the online meetings.
You make me remember very clearly my insane reaction to the night my husband drank himself to "sleep". My family were coming to visit us from another country. I flipped out. Even thought he couldn't hear me, I yelled at him. After a few minutes, it struck me how I must appear to to aliens if they had landed in our room. (I told you it's insane.)
It was attending Al-Anon meetings in person that restored me to the person I would like to be - who I had been. I get SO MUCH from this. Every newcomer shows us how it was with us. You keep us knowing what happens if we walk away from the tools provided here.
It is a slow process, but you knowing you need help for yourself is such progress already. Many of us start by thinking it is only the other person who needs to be "fixed".
Do whatever you can to attend the meeting you have found. Keep coming back. Your story is my story.
I was told a long time ago the I was so enmeshed with my A I was making myself crazy with fear, what if's and worry. It got so bad it did start taking it's toll on other aspects of my life. It had to stop, my life had become unmanageable.
I had to let go and let HP take over. I had to seek the help I needed to stop this madness I was bring upon myself. I started taking care of me and detaching from my son. I couldn't help but I could help myself.
It's been over a year now and I have come a long way. I have learned so much about me and why I did what I did. I have stopped the "what if's" and the worry is not there much anymore. I can check my motives and reason them out before I just step in and take control.
Let go and Let your HP take the helm. You are not your AH's HP
" He's going to drink or he's not.....what are you going to do"
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
No you are not alone. Yes you can get better. I know I have. I had gotten to the point where I had acted way crazy. I screamed, I yelled, I cried, I stayed up all night, I tracked him, etc etc. Thanks to Alanon I have found myself again. I am not sure if I have EVER known myself as well as I do now. I have learned ways to keep myself from getting sucked into the insanity. I do understand, I often feel like I "caught" this Dis Ease too. I have my very own rants even when they have little to do with reacting him.
You hit the nail on the head...."I seem to have no control over anything" .......this is a lesson that I have learned over and over and over and every single nook and cranny of my life. The only thing I have control over - is my reaction. And sometimes I am too messed up/ wrapped up in my own head to react in a healthy way.
I want him to do X Y Z. I want him to feel a certain way and behave accordingly. Well, unfortunately, that is not really up to me. He gets to make up his own mind, and feel his own feelings. But I still get mad about it. and I still have my rants as if I can bully him into it. That is the hard part. This is the part that makes me mad sometimes. Mad at myself. But then I remember that this too shall pass, and that each and every frustration and struggle becomes a learning experience in the school of my HP. I can assure you that your HP has your back, and you are learning lessons. Looking back I can see the lessons that my HP has taught me.
After the most recent verbal attack from my AH I discovered that I could set my boundary. I could remind myself that even when he (verbally) attacks me, I do not have to participate. I can ignore what he says, because HE does not say them, the DISEASE says them. I calmly told him that he was wrong, and that I would be sleeping in the guest room. I retreated, turned the TV up loud as to dull his voice. The next morning it was over.
I applaud you for your energy and your willingness to look deep within you.
And YES I can relate to your entire post, and YES this is EXACTLY what alanon helps with. Most of have found that ALANON helps in all areas of our lives (even when our loved one gets sober), and we consider ourselves "lucky" enough to have a qualifier to attend meetings.
This is ABSOLUTELY what Al-Anon is about! YES! YES! YES! You sound like I did a long time ago. I was a total mess and felt so lost and alone. I'm better now. I would suggest that you go to Al-Anon for sure! It changed my life!
I am an Author and I've just published a very personal memoir of my story in order to Inspire and to give Hope to others. You can be HAPPY!
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 7th of May 2014 01:04:01 PM
Welcome MOF...yes I also agree this is one of the places for you to be. You are certainly qualified to be here and in the Al-Anon program and I also relate to your reactions to the disease and the alcoholic. Only one of the descriptions that has been used to describe our reactions to the alcoholic and disease is "crazy making" and I did it very well myself. Ask your EAP if fitting a meeting into your work schedule can be done. I remember doing that myself when I first got into recovery because it was exactly like going to the doctor on a scheduled visit. Al-Anon has a world-wide internet site...afg.org which you can browse and also look for the many pieces of literature which are available as Conference Approved Literature. You can get it from there or elsewhere as your choice and then sit!! stay!! here with this MIP family cause you can get program 24/7 by reading the ESH of those of us who have come before you and know what you are going thru. We all start at the first step, "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol; and that our lives had become unmanageable" I got that in your post...you are qualified. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Yes, I can relate. I haven't been in Al Anon very long, but it continues to amaze me how many people come (including me) finally because they realize they not only are giving in the towel because of their husband/wife/son/daughter/other, but because they have become a person that they don't recognize. Their comes a moment when we actually get a moment to look in the mirror, and realize we are looking at either a monster, or a hollow shell of a human being, or both!
Yes, this is what Al Anon is about. It is about reclaiming the person that you were. Or maybe even more about becoming the person you can and should be. I have grown so much in AlAnon, not only have a reached peace with my alcoholic wife, I have grown beyond a point where I was when she first started drinking. I realized that I definitely had a part in it, and found out how I could change that.
I'm not familiar with "The Recovery Book", but I know that if I had showed a video like that to my wife when she was active, it likely would have done no good. I became very accustomed to the denial, rationalizations, and yelling, I made up my own non-Alanon acronym for it - DRY. That was just what she did through her disease to keep it active.
Do note that alcoholism is a progressive disease. That's why you will find that occasionally (or sometimes often) something even crazier will start from them. no yelling last week, but yelling this week. That's progressive disease. it doesn't get better, and is uncurable, only with a recovery program can it be arrested.
I, too, became a person I didn't recognize when married to an A. Fortunately, the real me was still present and with work was found again. Living or loving an active A in my experience is a roller coaster ride that is more spills and chills than I would want to experience again. I am glad you are going to attend Al-Anon meetings. Just listening for an hour in a meeting can help calm you and relieve you of some of the emotional upheaval you are experiencing. Coming back here is a good idea, too.
Welcome :) Al anon has taught me that I have choices. You will hear different shares in meetings. Some people still live with an alcoholic, some can't live with an A anymore. Al anon will not "tell" you what to do. It will help you feel not alone...and you will hear stories like yours. Most people find living with alcoholism is too much to deal with.
I left my marriage of 11 1/2 years about 2 months ago. I couldn't take it anymore. I decided it wasn't safe, I was depressed and crazy and I needed to take care of myself and my kids. A big problem with alcoholics is they usually don't remember much of what they say and do when they are drunk. The sober people dealing with the A are the ones who have the bad memories of dealing with their drunken states. I got tired of waiting for my husband to stop drinking...he might not ever stop...and I can't continue to waste my time living with him to see if he will! I have tried everything in my power to make him stop...and nothing worked.
Al anon meetings, al anon books, my sponsor and God have helped me move on...one step at a time...you are not alone! Keep coming back!!
As everyone else said, al-anon is a place of hope for your situation. Regarding your specific statement about the alcoholic picking fights with you, some options to avoid a fight are saying "you may be right" or "I'll think about that" or "thanks for sharing how you feel". Then let it go. He may still keep at you, but by standing firm without engaging in the fight, he may eventually give it up.
And if he doesn't give up the fight, you can leave the room or go to a movie or visit a friend. It took me awhile to realize I didn't have to subject myself emotionally or physically to the disease and its tirades. It's difficult to fight or to try to pick a fight with "nobody home."
Thank you all for the replies. I immediately felt better when I realized I pinpointed my problem - I seem to have "caught" the disease.
I had yesterday off and spent the whole day reading this board. I accomplished nothing I meant to. Thats normal for me, lately. Usually days off are spent in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself or making grandiose plans for which I will never take action. To give myself the illusion of control, maybe? I don't know why I do that, but I'm going to stop.
I think the missing piece of the puzzle was admitting and accepting that I am powerless. I'm not sure how to wrap my mind around the higher power concept, but I felt immediate relief. As if, knowing I don't have to try and play God anymore, my workload had been significantly reduced.
My alcoholic has a court date coming up for his recent DUI. My counselor suggested i write a letter to the judge, asking him to order rehab, AA or at the very least, a car ignition breathalyzer thing so I can quit trying to wrestle car keys from a drunk man twice my size and strength. My bf keeps bragging about how his lawyer thinks none of these things will happen since he's a gainfully employed family man who just made that one mistake...*eye roll*
Later in the afternoon, when I really thought I understood it wasn't my place to control my this guy, I decided I'd better get on writing that letter. I was digging through his papers looking for the case number when he came home early and almost caught me.
Higher power intervention?....
Do I seriously need to try and control a judge?
I do want him to get the help he needs and I want to protect my community from a drunk driver, but I also want to rescue all the homeless animals in the world, cure cancer, end world hunger and for my kids to clean up after themselves without being told ...
I hope the judge's decisions influence him to stop this madness, but its not my job to intervene, even if a professional counselor told me to, and I can choose to do something else with my time.
That's great. The key is not doing something that seems wrong * to you*. At my AW's 2md DUI, the lawyer was able to get her remanded to rehab. I called and made the arrangements because she appeared to have hit bottom, she told me she would just do whatever they told her to dots get better. And she dad and she is now almost 6 months sober. It felt " right" to me to take her to the rehab.
The question is: does it feel right to yoU to write that letter? It sounds like you have reservations. So good for you for sticking to your feelings!! Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Friday 9th of May 2014 12:47:57 AM
I can greatly relate to your share and used to be embarrassed about where this disease took me, but now I realize it is where I had to go to hit my own bottom. Face to face al-anon meetings, reading al-anon literature and MIP helped me lots and finding my sponsor. Keep coming back. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Fast forward 5 years. I never went to a meeting. He eventually quit drinking, cold turkey, with no recovery program. After a year sober, I married him. We bought a house. We got a dog. He's drinking again. I'm crazy again.
Started looking for online sources of support again, found this forum and that Chrome still has my login info saved. Finding this post was eye-opening. 5 years and no progress... Thats a hard pill to swallow :(
(((MOF77))) - welcome back to MIP. I am so sorry that the disease has brought you pain but not sorry that the disease brought you back to MIP. You are not alone is living with the affects of the disease, and there is still hope and help in Al-Anon for you or anyone who's concerned and/or affected by drinking in a friend or family member.
If getting to a F2F meeting (Face to Face) is difficult, there are meetings here as well. Online meetings don't replace the support you'd get locally, but can certainly bring moments of sanity and clarity in-between. I encourage you to try some meetings and determine if Al-Anon will help you.
Please keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome back MOF and glad you found me still here. God do I ever know the insanity of this disease. I also tapped the shoulders of meeting makers when I first got into program and then didn't go to meetings.
I got the cops called on me ended my marriage and insanity and glued my butt to the meeting chairs with a wide open mind and hearing.
I gave you hugs ((())) the last time you were here. Still have them for you each and every time to come to help and/or be helped. Keep coming back.
This is pit stop for help and to let go of everything that is going on. It is a safe place where you can talk and figure out your life and what you want.
All I know that no matter how much love there is in the relationship, the drunk is going to prefer his drink over any reason. Very sad.. it is the addiction.
The crazy gets crazier if you can imagine. Until they want recovery, you have to deal with the crazy. Although, Alanon helps me to side step the crazy and work on myself to get healthy. This program is for me to get a life and let go of the control over the drunk.
I know I tried ever angle to work on my relationship with my AH. He tries to come around in the morning but by evening is the same day after day.
I thought coming to Alanon they would give me the answer how to fix my AH. It not about him but me. Once I let go of fixing him, my life was so much peaceful. It took me a whole year to figure this out. Nobody told me what to do but helped me be more peaceful in my situation.
Fast forward 5 years. I never went to a meeting. He eventually quit drinking, cold turkey, with no recovery program. After a year sober, I married him. We bought a house. We got a dog. He's drinking again. I'm crazy again.
Started looking for online sources of support again, found this forum and that Chrome still has my login info saved. Finding this post was eye-opening.5 years and no progress... Thats a hard pill to swallow :(
Welcome back. This is very, very, very common. This is the disease of addiction. Period. It impacts him and it impacts you. Period. In my experience, in order for you, me, us, to get better, the focus of getting better, recovery, has to be on us. Period. That's why in f2f alanon meetings they tell you to keep the focus on alanon, and if you are a member of AA, to keep that anonymous, and that the alanon perspective is diferent, etc. That doesn't happen here, but this is an alanon board. You've come here looking for help from alanon.
That said, the statement I bolded and italisized above -- no, it shouldn't be eye-opening. Get used to it. Look long and hard at it. Because it could be 10 years from now too! Or 20 years from now!!! And if you don't believe that, than...I'll bet you didn't believe it was possible 5 years ago!?!?!?!? And if you did...then how did you end up here? It doesn't matter. Why? Because...and hear this loud and clear...NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
That statement...is about US. Not the alcoholic. Think about that. Sounds easy to understand. However, it's not.
Go to f2f meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work, and working the alanon program. All the best.
-- Edited by Bo on Thursday 9th of May 2019 12:19:04 PM
-- Edited by Bo on Thursday 9th of May 2019 12:19:50 PM
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Sometimes we have to experience some more of the old stuff until we find we're truly ready. Just like the alcoholic, we are sick. Sometimes we're even sicker, as you stated in your first post a few years ago - the alcoholic has the excuse of the drink, but what's OUR excuse for such behavior?
And just like the alcoholic, we also have to hit some kind of a bottom before we're truly ready for change. Some of us - myself included - had to smack several branches on the way down.
The bright side of it is that you're HERE now. It sounds like you've experienced some more pain you find intolerable and are looking for change.
Al-Anon definitely taught me how to change myself. This is where I truly started to learn how to take care of myself spiritually and emotionally.
Alcoholism is a disease. Actually, at a convention last weekend, I heard an AA speaker clarify that nowhere in AA's big book do they list alcoholism as a disease. It is described as a spiritual malady. My half of this disease is also a spiritual malady. Al-Anon shows me how to address that and take care of myself.
Hope you find yourself some f2f meetings. You are so, SO worth the serenity you will find there. Keep coming back.
I know for me the attraction to the alcoholic was all about my issues of low self worth, abandonment and no boundaries. I have to say it has taken me years to learn what is mine and what is theirs. My family of origin was one of total enmeshment. So for me enmeshment was the norm. Having boundaries felt very very strange. Whenever I was in a situation where I.could step in.that was my life worth at stake. I had to prove I was #worthy# of a relationship. Welcome to the land of grand gestures, chaos and despair
The good news is that there is a way out if this type of relating. In al.anon I felt #heard# wanted and cared for. I dont belueve I had much of that before. I also felt that I wasnt being judged and evaluated at every gesture. No one gave me a grade on my behavior on a daily basis.
For me being with the alcoholic was the way to address all those issues that cane with a childhood that was rife with abandonment and neglect. I made a beeline for those persons who would generate those issues.
I no longer see my behavior with the alcoholic as crazy or dysfunctional.
I see it as the best I could do at that time.
At the current time this is also the best I can do but as best as I can I keep moving forward. I doubt I would have ever been content with that without al anon to help me
Maresie
