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I'm married 17 yr. to a good person who happens to be an alcoholic. He comes home, bring $; cooks; cleans, isn't abusive mentally or physically. The bad, he goes into his little world alone & starts drinking till he passes out nightly. He has recently started seeing a dr. & going to AA meets about 1x week.
@ 44 yr he's decided he wants to quit his job, take on student loans & go to medical school. I'm not working with one child in grade school still. We also have a 20 yr old who too has his problems. My hub hinted: if the 20 yr would move out, he'd be able to stop drinking; and maybe if he went to school he'd then be able to stop b/c he'd be focused on his dream.
Am I unreasonable to think that FIRST he needs to be sober before taking on a challenge like that, especially when it jeapodizes my finances, home, life. Even if I got a job, I wouldn't make what he makes to keep up the house & all it's bills. I'm going to be looking into school, job, etc for back up plan, but in the mean time, I think he's not thinking straight. It seems to me these are excuses. I know I didn't cause his drinking, but is there such a thing of contributing to it? I don't think so but my judgement is clouded at the moment. He thinks I'm unsupportive of his dreams. Please let me know your thoughts.
I think you are 100% absolutely right. How can he study for med school when he drinks until he passes out every night? Besides med school is HARD. For someone who has no other issues. You may enable his drinking. But blaming others for ones drinking is typical for an A.
i agree with you. but maybe you can make some compromises. maybe he can completely stop and work towards being sober. then, after he is thinking with a clear mind if he still wants to further his education, it might be something to consider. i'm not sure if med school is the right direction, but only you guys know.
i think he just feels like he thinks if he gets a distraction, then he won't drink. maybe he will...maybe he won't. but med school doesn't last forever. i'm sure there are other activities that could keep him occupied.
This is just me ~ Take what you like and leave the rest
I don't think school is the answer to your hubby's stop drinking. The ONLY thing that can stop him drinking is him, getting into AA (so he won't be a dry drunk), getting a sponsor, attending meetings and more meetings and more meetings. Putting first things first. They say don't make any big changes within six months of getting sober.
Also it's not your son's "fault" your hubby is drinking. That's excuses. Maybe it's hard having kids, in fact it is, I know, it's all about putting their needs first when they need us to. It's the toughest job in this whole wide world. Just that statement that your husband made about your son moving out would help him not to drink would make me leery because sounds like blaming others and not taking responsibility.
A little story of my sister, it's not about alcohol, but she had a boyfriend and the boyfriend and my nephew did not get along. Well my nephew left to go live with his Dad and my sister was heartbroken. Oh yeah, and then the boyfriend left a year later and now my sister wishes it did not happen and that her son was still with her.
Now at 20, it's time for him to grow up a little, maybe pay rent, take responsibilities for his things and actions. Just be sure that it's you who wants him to move out for the right reason.
Finally, about college, I am there. It takes a lot of commitment and can make me feel stressed because I want to do well ~ test time, papers due, and final exams are very stressful. However, there is financial aid available. You may want to check it out.
A lot of information. I hope it helps.
P.S. I didn't hear about you how are you doing? how do you feel? what are you doing for you?
Maria123
-- Edited by Maria123 at 12:10, 2006-02-05
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Who knows what's right - I don't know the man, couldn't tell you if this is right for him or not. However, that isn't really the point. How do you feel about the enormous change this is likely to make in your life? Will you have to start working full time? Do you want to? How about money - will the family be able to live the way they have been doing if he quits his job? Are all of you willing to make this change? Your husband needs to face these questions.
It is not your job to tell him whether he can or can not make it in medical school. It is not your job to tell him what he can and cannot do. However, as his wife, it is your job to voice your concerns to him, as honestly as you can. If your financial security is threatened by this decision, you have every right to stand up for yourself, and get some real answers from him.
"He thinks I'm unsupportive of his dreams" - he must also be supportive of YOUR dreams - your dream of not losing your house, for instance.
Don't waste your breath on insisting he sober up before any of this happens, If he really is an A, he will say anything, and do nothing.
You ask if we contriubte to their drinking - yes, in a way, by taking on everything that they neglect because they are drunk, or hung over. By supporting them in all their endeavors, while putting out own need for support aside. By allowig them to become the "little tin gods" of the house, all the while walking on eggshells to keep them happy. If you start living your life as if itis YOURS, rather than as his supporter, sidekick, second banana, helper and cleaner up of messes, you will stop enabling his drinking. That doesn't mean that he will stop, it just means you no longer have to be a part of it.
I don't know if you've been to an al-anon mtg yet or not but when u go, u will get a newcomer's beginner's packet of pamphlets. A Guide to the Family of the Alcoholic is on the very best ones, it describes how the alcoholic usue weapons as feelings &/or essentially sets the family up to enable their drinking.
You are right, of course it is not your fault. However alcoholism/addiction is a family disease & the other members of the family become sick in their own way. Imagaine fighting with an invalid or yelling at cancer to make it go away. I only say that, cuz in my experience, I have begged, pleaded, prayed, become virtually insane myself trying to fight this disease.
Truth be told, I was lost in this thing called alcoholism because watching someone you love flounder & kill themselves slowly is hurtful beyond measure and we get caught up in them. Alcoholism destroys families.
There are ways to combat the issues, it takes time & practise daily. Try to get to a face to face for the pamphlets & reach out to others, in the meantime our chat room is open 24/7 & we do have meetins twice a day in there. Sunday night is @ 7pm EST.
Just remember in terms of loving & supporting an A, it doesn't matter what u do or don't do... they will find their own excuses to drink & blame others. This is their sickness & it hides in denial. Hang in there, keep reaching out... you will get your sanity back.
your sis in recovery, love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
First thank you for the wonderful support. You have givin me guidance and sanity. I no longer feel guilty, or lost. Thank you for being there for me. Here's a letter I've written him. I've learned that sometimes when angry it's best to air it here first.
If you rely on another reason to achieve sobriety other than sobriety, what will happen when you are no longer in school, or your reasons for sobriety are no longer there? I believe if you stop for the reason of sobriety only, then when life hands you more stresses, you won’t fall back into drinking because your goal of sobriety wasn’t dependant upon any other goal other than sobriety.
Medical School with sobriety. I will not deceive you & say that if you stop drinking I won’t have issues with medical school. Medical school is YOUR dream, yet you would expect everyone to pitch in, accept your absence, adapt to a lower financial income, accept new changes in family structure, including our relationship. Have you considered this? Your dream affects our life. Have you considered even asking us our feelings of what we wanted or expected during our life as a family or as a spouse?
I’m not against education. Sure, your dreams would encompass us as a family, I believe you mean this whole heartedly. But have you asked us this? Is it our dream to wait, change, adapt, give up while you achieve your dream? Do you even know my dreams?
When you achieve sobriety, for I have faith you can do this if you want it, and your head is clear, these are the things to consider. I will be open if asked, I will compromise, but I would like my dreams fulfilled too.
This sounds just like my a who always has some dream going that I have to be behind 100%. I have given up on that so now he accuses me of abandoning him. I just cannot give him everything anymore and then be discarded as though I am nothing.
I do know that my exhusband also tried to make me his "warden" as we call it in Al-anon his behavior was all down to me.
I think you are wise to question all this and especially the issue of having children at home. I would want to see someone I was involved with prove they had the ability to do stuff sober.
I think it is very hard to be with this "fantasy" stuff of their world only on their terms. Life is extremely difficult. Sobriety is not on our terms it is those we are responsible to. A's seem to chronically always want it all their own way don't they? That is one of their traits. It all has to revolve totally around them and only them.
My husband always had a dream of us running a restaurant together. When we were first married, I sort of had the same dream, and supported him in it. However, after a few years and a few kids, I had some idea of what I would be letting myself in for. I would be doing all the work, taking all the responsibility, and he would be free to do what he wanted, criticize all my choices, and make decisions that would negate all my hard work, just like in the rest of our lives. So, I withdrew my supoort for the idea. Of course, being a coward and not wanting to face his wrath, I never really gave my real reason for no longer wanting to do this,I just made excuses. So we fought over this off and on for years and years. Finally it came to a point where it looked like it might be possible to go for it. I said "If you decide that this is what you really want, I will support you and do whatever I can to help you. I just want you to know that I don't think it's a good idea." Well, that was not good enough. I had to be 100% supportive, in fact more gung ho than he was, in order for him to feel that I was supporting him. So, it never happened, and he has used that as an example of how I let him down ever since. Now that I know a little bit more about how his disease works, I think that one thing that was happening there is that he was setting it up so if the idea failed, it could be my fault. If I was not behind it, it would be my lack of support that caused the failure. If I was 100% behind it, then he could say "I only did it because you wanted it so much, I had my doubts all along." When I told him that I would help him, but not buy into his idea, it took the wind out of his sails - he knew that HE would actually have to do all the work, and that's not what he had in mind.
I think that your letter is lovely, and sets out your position fairly and clearly. If your husband is anywhere near as delusional and full of denial as mine was, though, it probably won't do any good. He will see it as saying whatever he needs, for his own sick purposes, to hear. Total support, maybe, or total non support, instead of the reasonable, nuanced position you really hold. At least you have clarified your position in your own mind, anyway.
