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thanks to everyone who responded to my nervous breakdown post. It helped me a lot. anyway, my A called me 8 TIMES last night! I either didn't hear the phone b/c I was sleeping, or it didn't ring b/c we were having MAJOR phone problems last night, where if I was able to call out, no one could really hear me. I don't know what was going on, but he left 3 messages(the other 5 times were on caller id, he didn't leave messages). One said that maybe I was out with someone better than him, and that he read a note I had written him when I was at a conferance 2 wks ago(this note said I wanted this to work, and was not sure that it was going to. It then said that I was afraid after 2 days he'd realize he didn't miss me, like I didn't miss him. which I did miss him, I wrote that the first day I was there, and I had seen him that morning, he was passed out drunk from the night before)anyway, he continued in this message to say that he did miss me, and he wasn't mad, and that he wanted to come home b/c he was having a terrible time. He kept saying maybe I was out with my boyfriend, and then he says "did I cheat on you? no." He left 2 more messages, one said they were going back to his friends house, the other must have been before he went to bed, he said that I would be proud, he walked away from a fight. I tried to call his cell, but got nothing, so I called his friend and told him to let him know that I had just been asleep when he called and didn't hear the phone. I was not out with another guy. I told him he had left WEIRD messages, and I asked if he was with another girl or something, and he was like "nooo, he was drunk."I said "yeah, like you'd tell me if he was." he says "no, he is sleeping right here, do you want to talk to him?" I told him no, to just let him know when he woke up that I had been asleep and didn't hear the phone.
Does anyone think that message meant he did cheat on me? I think he and I need to talk, but I am afraid to try to talk to him b/c I don't know how he will react. I hate confrontation of any kind, and maybe I am afraid of what he will say, but I don't think I can live like this anymore. anyway, thank you for listening. I'd appreciate any insight. especially on how to start a conversation I am scared to death to start!Thanks!
Anything that anyone thought would be a guess. None of us have any way of knowing if your A was with someone else. He said.. "did I cheat on you? no." You either have to believe him or not.
hang in there.. Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You know....in the past, whenever I tried to get inside the alcoholic's head, tried to figure out what he was or wasn't saying.......I just ended up frustrated and tired. I remember doing that alot. I filled my head with what he was doing....and as a result, there was no time left for what I should be doing. I understand where you are.....I've been there, more times than I care to say.
Many of us "dangle" in that time frame where we're just to afraid to let go of the string that holds us to the alcoholic. Oh, we'll come up with alot of reasons for not letting go, "we love them", "we want them to be like they use to be", "they really are good people when they aren't drinking", "why should someone else get the good part of the alcoholic, I've been through the bad with him/her, I deserve the good part",.....etc., etc.
It took me awhile.....a very long while...to understand and accept that all of the time I spent wondering about what he was or wasn't doing....was time taken away from what I should be doing. I had to learn to detach with love, to let go and let God.
Easier said than done? Maybe......but when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.....that's when my recovery began. ((hugs))
Why are you asking him this question, if you are not prepared to believe his answer?
Reality is - none of us ever really know what the other people in our lives are really doing, when they are not with us. We choose to trust. If this is impossible for you, because of wht he has done in the past, and if you NEED to know for sure, then I'm sorry, I don't mean this in a mean way, but maybe this relationship is not for you. There is just no way for you to get what you want from it. You either need to believe him, or decide that you CAN'T believe him, and find someone who you CAN trust. (or maybe, stay away from relationships for a while, until you fix whatever in yourself needs to know, so badly)
I'm saying all of this as someone who has been there. I have been married for twenty years. My husband has cheated on me twice that I know of, and has a habit (or HAD a habit, I have stopped checking up on him) of 'sexy' chat, online. He works away from home - right now he has been gone for six weeks, and may be gone for six more. I have no way of knowing what he is really doing - heck, he could be *living* with another woman where he is, for all I know. So, my choices are: Divorce, because I can't trust him Misery, because I torture myself imagining what he may be doing, or Detachment
I have told him, with the help of this program and counselling, that I have had the last straw - next time, no matter what, this marriage is over. He knows that I mean it, he has seen the changes in me. So, I have decided not to worry about it any more. Either he is faithful to me, or he is cheating. Since I have no way of knowing any different, I refuse to turture myself with imagination. I am not too worried about disease, as he was always very careful about that, even when drinking and drugging. I figure - if he is cheating, he wont't be able to keep up a pretense for too long, something will crack - it always has before. He treats me well, is loving and warm, is clean and sober. This is what matters to me. If any of this changes, I am ready to do what I need to, to take care of myself and my children.
When I start feeling any doubts, I have ways to stop obssessing - all the time honoured alanon ways. This is how I chose to live my life now.
I hope this has been helpful to you - I'm not trying to say that you should do what I have, but that you need to look at the reality of what you have, and what you will accept.
