The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A did show up, we didn't talk about his drinking very much. He was intoxicated as I thought he would be. He had drank, but I think my brain pictured a stumbling drunk man. We did however talk about feelings, about nothing changing if nothing changes. That being a tough guy does not mean you don't feel. We talked about his son, who passed away on Jan. 31, 2004. When my A is sad, he says "I thought I was over it" this is something that he will never "get over" yeah the pain will not be as intense, but he has to feel those feelings to start healing. I know I can't make him "see" this as I can't make him "see" anything else. I just hope some of the things I said help him. I believe his son is around us ever single day. He was very ill and had lots of health battles. My A sometimes speaks of how his son didn't deserve this....meaning death....but in my heart of heart, I don't think he deserved to fight to breath, to be in pain, he was such a wonderful boy and he is so free from the body he was trapped in for nearly 16 years inside of.
I can definitely identify with the issue of certain anniversaries being tough. December is the month my mother died (very suddenly). It is a rough haul for me. This year I got into al-anon and started counseling. I hope you and your husband will be able to access grief support for yourselves. I am sure you are aware that that there is a series of emotions around grief, shock, anger, bargaining acceptance. It sounds to me like you are both at different stages of that.
After losing my mother and watching other friends go through it my statement is usually: it never gets better, just different...ironically my mother's b'day was Jan. 30th. I know how hard those days can be.
My A lost his father to a degenerative neurological disease in 200 just before I met him...last year he tested positive for the same gene which means eventually he will come down with the same disease...it is known as Huntington's chorea. The news was devastating and for the last year he has not adequately dealt with the pain. However, I have never felt as if this was an excuse to drink and drug. He had had the tools he chose not to use them (he has been in and out of program for the past 5 yrs) I too was devastated by the news and our ability to have children (biologically). In many ways I went through that grief period alone. I was resentful and angry. I was also petrified. I also knew from the day of diagnosis that he would relpse. He wasn't feeling anything. And so the decline.
Talking about it and feeling it are steps in the right direction. Good luck. I know how difficult it can be.
Sending you hugs I feel for you and your husband every anniversary is tough. To so many others it is just another day but it is heartwrenching to someone who has lost a loved one. Try and keep the focus on you so you don't get dragged down too much everyone deals with grief differently. Luv Leo x
