The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay, my A called said he had to tell me something. So I waited, of course if you keep the same playmates and play on the same playground you are bound to play the same games. He said....."I've been drinking and I just wanted to tell you, I'm very sorry, I don't want to fight. I calmly replied, well, that's on you. Your drinking does not consume me anymore. hmmmmmm he got very quiet.....then he said, "it's not an excuse but I thought I was dealing with my son's anniversary of his death (Jan 31st) but I guess I'm not, I'm really sorry" I stayed calm, just a little kick in the gut, no shaking or nerves going, no tears, he said he was headed home, that was an hour ago, he should have been home by now. Any support will be greatly appreciated. He quit drinking on Nov. 14th but no meetings and no treatment, I work in the world of treatment, so I kind of felt it was only a matter of time, I hoped he was done, but I guess not. Now to find something to keep me occupied and content.....
Thanks for you post Mary. I think that we react to the A because we care. I am finding that when I pull back and look at my A I realize that he is in pain. I was going through his papers tonight. He dropped out of his degree program. He must not feel very good about that because he has dropped out of things before. I think of the founders of AA and how many times they hit bottom before they found conviction to stay sober. Maybe hitting bottom is where you find yourself. Your A and mine have their HP's to watch over them. And you and I have our Alanon friends. Hope he comes home safe and sound.
I remember the days waiting for my daughter knowing she was drinking and nowhere to be found. She would call home and was in a black out! She was roaming around town half dressed in the winter time as I called the number on caller ID of someone who let her in their house to call me! I finally decided to say the Serenity Prayer and Surrender the fact that I had no control! I knew I needed to take care of me. Somehow I was able to go to sleep. I believe i needed some medication too. Sleep is so important when times like this happen. She did call the next day at noon and she was alive but in jail :( If I would have stayed up all night it would have only made me more ill. We did all we could and then Surrendered to our Higher Power. Prayer and reading my alanon books helped alot! It all goes back to taking care of us. I sure hope you were able to go to sleep now and take care of you so it doesn't ruin your weekend. Please update us. cdb xoxoxoxoxoxo (((((((mary)))))
I tend to over identify with the A. I have had to pull back drastically as my functioning can go. I limit the conversations around his needs because he manages to pull me into them.
I do know it is very difficult to find people who understand my need for boundaries, help, healing and respite. I hope you have them. I have worked in different fields and it can be a minefield to get heard because of the clients needs and the overwhelming nature of the world. I find it very difficult to navigate certain social settings.
I am glad that you are here and sharing your grief. I think a's can be masters at manipulation. They certainly know how to blur a boundary.
My a seems to know just what buttons to push to get me to react. I like the term "over-identify" with my a. That's one of the things I've learned in Al-Anon (although sometimes it feels as if I haven't learned much yet.) When my a is in crisis, I take deep breaths and repeat over and over, "I am a different person. This is not my situation, not my crisis, and I can neither cure it nor control it. This is not happening to me. The only reason I am even aware of it is to turn it over to HP and to provide emotional support." Sometimes I have to repeat it several times, followed by the Serenty Prayer, followed by AGAIN turning my a and everything in their situation over to HP. Gradually, I may be becoming a bit less reactive. Progress seems to be measured in almost inconsequential increments.
((((HUGS))))) to you. I know what a kick in the gut in can be to hear the words "I have been drinking (using, gambling etc...) but you are on the right road by reminding yourself that you knew alll along that it would come to this. You couldn't control it, you didn't cause it, and you sure as hell can't cure it. I pray that he comes home safe, but even more I pray that you concentrate on you. Good luck I am thinking of you.
