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Thanks for giving me an outlet! I appreciate your responses and respect your opinions and advise. I will try to make this long story short... My son is almost 25 and has been involved with drugs and alcohol since the age of 17. He has been married to a wonderful girl for almost 4 years and has a brand new baby! My first grandchild! He has had 3 near overdoses, the last one being a week ago today. His father and I went up to the state where they live when my daughter in law called us to tell us what had happend so we could help her with the baby (only 2 weeks old). Needless to say, when he was released from the hospital the next day, we were less than friendly. We have always been a very close family and have been able to talk openly about his illness. We said some hard things to him (no condemnation - just reality) - that he is an addict and needs to get help despite the fact that he thought he could "fix" himself. We all know better... even him! We told him that we were going to pull back for awhile...that we needed some time (we're tired, folks!) and that he and his wife had decisions to make that we did not need to be part of. There was nothing we could say to change him so there was no need to try. I did that for years...
We have heard from him twice by email this week, yet did not respond (in fact, he said that he didn't expect us to, and he understood the position we were taking). His wife called us last night to update us on how the baby is (had his first check up!) and to say that she is encouraged. He is now involved with AA (1-2 meetings a day, Big Book study, good sponsor, even marriage counseling arrangend to begin at the first of the week) His wife is going to Al-Anon and wants their marriage to work. He has made attempts at AA before, but by his own admission, didn't do the program as he should have and quickly fell away (withing a couple of weeks, the best I can remember).
I have been reading Al-Anon materials this week, and have spoken daily on the phone with different individuals in the program. Al-Anon only meets once a week in our area so I will go to my first meeting next week.
The thing I would like to ask you about is this: Is my non-communication with him at this time the right thing to do? If so, when do we begin to talk again? I love him so much, and do not want to break away from him. Most of all, I am in actual pain about not being able to go see our grandchild at this time (I was supposed to leave today to spend a week with them).
You will find out quickly in Alanon that we are not here so advise, but to offer our ES&H - Experience, Strength, and Hope. You will also learn more about Helping vs. Enabling, and unfortunately some of that may be through trial and error, too. I was told at my f2f (face to face) group that we don't overcome this by avoiding our alcoholics. I still make mistakes dealing with my parents, but I forgive myself and try to learn from it. You can try and see if this makes sense for you, too. Take what you want and leave the rest!
As your anger subsides, so, then, must your avoidance of your son. That is not to say that you don't need to remain detached; only that you have a son, a daughter-in-law, and a grandchild, and mudt keep these loved ones close to your heart. You can love them all, be with them, but not be enabling. He alone can tackle and control his addiction to alcohol. I can not begin to imagine the heartbreak you are experiencing, but you are doing the right thing by staying out of his alcoholism problem.
With best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I have found that sometimes one of the boundaries that I have had to set is to pull back a bit, sometimes just to re-group otherwise I start giving advise and trying to control my A. You sound as though that is what you are doing, you are not abandoning your child, you just are not enabling him. Good luck at your f2f! Hang in there, be gentle with yourself, we are works in progress.
Welcome Ris, and your story was very encouraging, in many respects....
In my experience, I tend to answer the questions like you posed, by examining my motives.... If I am not communicating with my son, to punish or shame him, then it may be time to rethink that stance... If I am not communicating with my son, in the realization that by doing so, I may be inadvertently enabling him in some way, then I may want to continue on....
You may, in fact, be putting a really good "boundary" in place, where you stop communications with him, until he is into a committed program of recovery.... If this is the case, you may want to consider returning to the communication, as his behaviors and commitment warrant it...
As with most things in our programs, "it depends".
Glad you are here, and really glad to hear that you are going to start into Al-Anon. I hope you can get your husband to attend as well...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
What were your boundaries like before. Mine were practically non existent. You can find a lot of support here for setting, maintaining and owning boundaries here. You do not have to swing the complete other way in order to feel included. You can love someone and have boundaries with them.
