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I just want to thank you all for your encouraging words. It helps to know I'm not alone, although at times of "war" with my daughter I feel helpless and alone.
She has not moved out yet...I asked her if she was moving out, and she said no. I said, you have bags packed upstairs, and she said, I was just mad last nite. (Maybe she realized that she has no money and can't make it without it?)
I asked her yesterday after school if she thought anymore about another part-time job in addition to the tanning salon job that she is supposed to have in a couple weeks, and she said, I guess I'll just go to Walmart and see if they have anything (smugly, of course).
I did get her check from her few days as a waitress and will use it to pay her cell phone bill and car insurance. (She had a couple different jobs in the past year, and had been paying for these things herself, but when she quit them, I paid them, thinking that she was going to get another job, like she said. This is the first time that she has been jobless for any length of time.) I did tell her that if she does NOT have ANY job by the 15th of Feb, I will take the cell phone away. She does need the car, because she is out of the school zone, and it's a court order that she goes to the school she is attending now (long story, involves my ex-husband, ya don't wanna hear that!) There are no busses that can take her to her school, and her friends that are close by, i.e. b/f, go to the other high school. And if I take her to school, I have to alter my work schedule, cancel clients or not schedule them, to do this. That means loss of much-needed income for me, as I am only paid when I have clients. It's a catch-22, it seems. But I did tell her that I would limit her excursions to school and back if she has no job by then.
I did set another boundary for myself...she told me last nite, as she went upstairs to bed, that she was spending the nite at a g/f's house tonite (Fri.). I didn't really give it any thought until she was out of site and earshot. So I pondered...I will tell her if she wants to spend the nite with her friends, go out, whatever, she needs to find another home for the puppy (who, by the way, is potty trained to go outside, thankfully...she's not a tiny pup) or not spend the nite with her friends. Well, wouldn't you know, a short while later, the friend called to say she has to work tonite and my daughter won't be able to sleep over. I thought good, it will lessen the blow when I tell her she has to make a choice.
So, this morning on her way out the door, I dropped the bomb. I said, who was gonna take care of Sadie (the pup) when you were gonna go to Ashley's to spend the nite? She quickly said, you are. I said, what if I don't want to? She had the nerve to say, you mean I can't EVER spend the nite at a friends house EVER AGAIN? I told her, you automatically assumed I was going to tend to Sadie, you didn't even ask me. And then I told her, you chose to get a pup, you have to be responsible for it. I didn't ask for it. They need a lot of attention, they are not like cats (which we have). I told her, it's your choice, you can find her a new home, or you can not spend the nite. Then she put it back on me...you mean I'm NEVER (said emphatically, lol) gonna get to spend the nite again? I said, no, I didn't say that, I said you can, but you will have to choose. She said, FINE, I'll NEVER spend the nite again at ANYONE'S house EVER AGAIN!
Well, there ya go, I am proud of my boundary-setting this morning, although it was FIRST thing after I woke up that this discussion took place! LOL!!
Hi Lmt I didn't get a chance to reply to your first post so I will with this. You are doing great on those boundaries. I have two sons 20 and 17. My youngest son will often ask if I am going to the supermarket if I could get him some things which are usually like tv dinners etc. I have learnt to say yes I can if you hand over the money first. I used to get caught in the past and now he just accepts if he is not paying for it I am not going to pick it up for him. I never purchased a cell phone for my sons they bought them themselves out of their own money but they are on a pre-paid basis which over here in Australia means you pay upfront and then when that runs out they have to go and pay for more credit. I have one of these myself and I guess you have them where you are too. Only trouble with that is I have noticed that if they don't renew the credit they sometimes revert to using the home phone. I also made my boys pay board as soon as they started working. My Mum and Dad did it with me and even though I begrudged it at the time as my sons do - it instilled a sense of responsibility in me. They too push the boundaries and will be as smug as your daughter so you are not alone. On the flip side I have suggested to the 20 year old that at his age I was living out of home and sharing with friends. His younger brother though would have moved out at 15 if he had his way. It is nice to hear someone else going through the same stuff. Luv Leo x
I just wanted to say "keep up the good work!!!!" I told my son once , when he was separated from his first wife , he had to go find somewhere else to live, since he wasn't helping and/or paying rent. He said, ''what'd you expect me to do, live in my truck?" I said ''Well, if that's what cha gotta do , I guess so!" (Bout killed me to say) and he stormed out. My daughter called me later and said , "mom, I just want you to know, Chris just called me from the motel he's staying in for the night!" So, I didn't lose any sleep that time! LOL! Thank God for daughter!
Also about the job: once had to wait for 11, yes that's right eleven! W-2's to come in, in order to do my son's taxes one year!!! LOL! Told him , "boy, you gotta land somewhere and stick with it or you're not gonna have any choices left in town to work at!" He's finally settled down and has worked as a policeman for 4yrs now. It was always , well, I don't like it there, or they are messing me around! or they're so boring to work for, or I just didn't like that one! SO MANY EXCUSES!!!! He really didn't like being told what to do or how to do something, or at one, they put him on the drive-thru window and he's just not a fast-type person, wasn't fast enough, he couldn't make change himself, etc.etc.etc. (have known a lot of 'kids' who couldn't make change, had to have a register that could tell them what change to give)
Seems as if .. we just gotta pick our battles and ask the 'is it important' question of many battles.
Glad the puppy will have a ''full-time-stay-at-home mommy!" LOL!!!! Tell her if she thinks doggie babies are taxing on her time, don't try a human one soon!!! Sorry, couldn't help myself; been there , done that too and had to sit on my hands and my doggy(she wanted to go see about the baby and would whine at me until my daughter got up to get him when first-born)! Talk about 'ruff'!!! (pun intended)! At the time I had a 8yr old pug who'd been a mama many times and would mama anything! But , I also had to hold my breath and stay in bed until I heard her footsteps going down the hallway. I was determined SHE was gonna be the mama , not me. It was really hard while happening. But can remember and smile about it now.
Thanks for the update :) I thought of another thing with the puppy. She can take it to an overnight stay at a pound or bring it with her :) There are always other options afterall. :) Just so she knows she has other options. My daughter brings her puppy to AA meetings LOL and your daughter is at that age where staying overnight with someones is a little old anyway or not really necessary. Although I would love to have a pajama party with some of my friends here LOL. It depends on ones opinion on that I guess :) Well it sounds like you meant what you said, said what you meant and didn't say it mean :) Keep up the good work. Your daughter is really at a very challenging age for her too. From my experience with both my kids who are now 21 and 24 it was a tough time for them too to want to be grown up but yet not want to be grown up. I am not sure how much my husband and I contributed to that. But I am a diplomatic person and a compromiser. Open communication and doing some bending seems to work in our family too. Gees, she could even pay you to babysit the puppy :). Thanks again for the update. I am glad I am past that stage in my kids life! cdb xoxoxoxoxoxo
Obviously you have really thought stuff through. How will you manage when the job comes in because that is long hours away from home. I have the toilet training stuff hard with my two dogs. I think when I go to work I will be leaving them in the back yard. The cleaning up is way too much. I am gone for like 10-11 hours easily.
I think your daughter will benefit tremendously over time with this demonstration of boundaries. I wish I were not learning boundaries in middle age but I am glad to learn and practice them at all being boundaryless was definitely killing me on many many levels.
Thanks to you all for your support! It helps me, even though I know I am doing the right thing by setting boundaries. Just when ya think they are starting to come around, they come up with other issues, lolol!
I did think about telling her to take the pup with her when she goes to spend the nite, but haven't mentioned it to her yet. I'm sure she has thought of it...maybe she thinks her friends' parents wouldn't let her take it to their house, who knows...
I do like the idea about her PAYING me to tend to her. What a great idea!
