The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, the last time I posted I had an appointment with a lawyer just to find out what my rights are married or divorced. I had to turn back because of the icey roads. Maybe this is prophetic because I probably could of made it but I was scared to death of driving on the roads. And I am scared to death to face reality and talk to a lawyer. I am going to try again next Friday. The weather forecast is clear.
I take care of myself physically. I do the best I can at work. I have looked at my budget and it would be half the income but I can keep my expenses down and make it on my own. If I had to I could take out a loan or take some out of my IRA for the boys tuition. I would definitely have to change my lifestyle. I went on a business trip last week and did some fun stuff with friends. I go to a f2f meeting and come to the board. But I just feel like I haven't made any progress emotionally. I miss my A husband. He moved out and pretty much does his own thing. He says he doesn't love me and doesn't want a marital relationship. So he has treated me like crap and I miss him. That kinda says how sick I am. I just can't get those thoughts out of my head. And I can't convince myself that I am better off without him. He said that he was willing to come help me on weekends. But even my dogs know that the weather is too bad for him to play golf. He said that he would do this out of respect for our 32 years of marriage. I looked up respect and it said to honor and esteem another. After what he has done it sure doesn't feel like honor and esteem.
I notice that when I read others posts who have asked their A's to leave, that they miss them too. They talk about staying strong and not calling or letting them come back. How do you get strong enough so they don't control your thoughts? How do I move on and face reality? How do you make emotional progress?
I filed divorce from my husband in June, mostly to protect myself from the debt my husband was building. Even though I filed divorce, I still felt married and I knew that if the divorce went through I'd still feel married. We've been together for 22 yrs, married for over 15 yrs.
I'm not really offering you advice here but I want to tell you what happened to me. My husband was in the throes of addiction. Living only for himself, not supporting us financially or emotionally. I was scared for our future and so very angry at him and I filed a divorce, giving a very high paid lawyer $5000 as a retainer. But deep down I wanted my husband to recover and knew a divorce was going to be the hardest thing I ever did.
In the end I paid the lawyer about $2000 and I was helped by him to obtain a power of attorney over our properties, but was no closer to divorce. My husband in sober over 3 months now ( I know that's not very long) and he is the greatest husband and father I've ever known. I have tears in my eyes knowing that drugs and alcohol turned him into a person that did not even care about his wife or 2 little children. I am presently holding off on the divorce and I guess I'm going to get the rest of my retainer refunded. If I want a divorce later I'll have to start over from scratch.
So where am I going with all of this?? If you are not sure about the divorce, what's the rush??
I could have waited, nothing and I mean nothing changed in any way because I filed divorce. If you are trying to get money or child support or something like that maybe you do need to see a lawyer. It seems that nothing happens quickly in the legal system and it cost alot of money.
Just another thought. You could consult with an attorney regarding your rights. You do not need to retain him or her, you do not need to file. I actually wish I had done it that way and waited a bit as I knew I didn't want to end the marriage. But if his behavior didn't change I needed to end the marriage.
I firmly believe that you will know when the time is right.
Hi Nancy it is natural for you to miss your husband whether he is an A or not. When people go through separation or divorce the effect it has on your emotions is similar to death. You grieve for what you have lost ie the marriage you envisaged when you walked down the aisle etc. Stay in touch with your feelings it is normal to feel this way and as Mom to 2 suggested there is no rush to file for divorce. Keep the communication open you never know what might happen. Just for now look after you. Luv Leo x
I don't think it is "sick" to miss someone you were involved with. In doing a 4th step I got to a lot of affection and love from most people I have been involved with. Some of them were very very destructive but I could still have a great deal of affection for them.
I am glad that you are taking care of yourself and looking at change. Change is difficult for us.
I am also glad that you are looking at options. You can consult more than one attorney. You can take care of you one day at a time.
