The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to see my A and his counselor on Sunday, two days before his release. After much contemplating about the situation, I had decided, even before getting my results that I would give his recovery and mine one last chance together. If he was going to make a solid attempt at this I felt as if I wanted to do this. Not excusing any of his behaviors that resulted in his acquiring Hep C and ruining the trust in our marriage, but, as the counselor said....people DO recover. As I have always loved my A, and still do, I felt as if I have a)lived on my own long enough to realize that I can do it on my own...b)that I can actively work on setting boundaries and stick to them and c) that I do recognize the signs of relapse if that does happen and I can detach.
A lot is changing. My A has decided not to go back to his job as it was a driving job which left him with alot of time on his hands. I have managed the household on my own so far and I can do so briefly so he can find something that is better for him both structurally and with benefits etc.. I have been carrying that end of things for a while. I am and he is happy with the decision.
It has only been two days but he has been taking care of things around the house (on his own) and making lists of things to accomplish. He has taken care of some yard work, cleaned the bathrooms, and taken care of his taxes so that he can pay off some bills. He has not asked me for any money or help. I have set a boundary of when he does find employment I will handle the household finances as obviously I am more adept at taking care of them for so long he would try to convicne me that I couldn't take care of things....he has agreed both qith my ability and the fact that I should do it.
All and all things are good..so far. Say a prayer. I am taking care of me.
I sure will say many prayers for you and your spouse. You sound so much more relaxed and very wise in the boundary setting area. Clear thinking is so important when going through our program. It took me a long time to think clearly. I admire how you put your thoughts in order here and seem to know where you are at and what you want. Wishing you all the best! Keep on working your program and updating us. cdb :) xoxoxoxox ((((((((Kim))))))))
I wanted you to know that I gave my A and myself one more chance in October of last year. In November he got clean and sober and although change is difficult for any of us, even good change, I see more and more light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. Set firm boundaries. Be gentle with yourself.
Sounds wonderful Kim, and you sound strong in your awareness of the entire situation.... I'm glad it is clearly the "right decision for you", and I don't think you will ever regret it.... If things work out, you will look back upon this time and reflect how this helped allow it to happen... If things DON'T work out, you will still be ahead of the game, in that you won't have to battle the guilt of those "maybe I should have tried" ideas that bounce around in our heads...
As someone who has had a failed marriage, primarily on and around the effects and devastation of alcoholism, I can tell you that life isn't terrificly easy or less stressful, even after having left that marriage.
I wish the two of you in general, and you specifically, all the peace and good health in your journey
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I read your post and was reminded about a conversation I had with another local member of the Family group about how and when I started in this recovery. I spoke of my early sponsor constant and continuous loving guidance helping me to understand that my recovery is not about her but that it was about me finding out about me, taking responsibility for my choices and consequences and making changes.
I had come to believe that my problem was not my alcoholic but me. I came to accept that she would never seek recovery as long as I was in the picture instead of her sponsor, her meetings, her desire to seek out other recovering alcoholics and get sobriety.
I tried and tried and tried so many ways to get her sober or learn how to drink responsibly. (Surely drinking responsibly and alcoholism is an oxymoron isn't it?) I didn't know that she was wanting the same thing but couldn't because her drinking was a compulsion and controlled her not the other way around) for the wrong reasons, me and not because she was very ill and ready to secumb to alcohol.
I was loosing everything I had (e v e r y t h i n g) and yet making the same decisions to stay with it expecting different results. This I was told was the definition of insanity. I found out they were correct. I thought that I was stronger when after 3-4 years of separation I made the choice to get reunited with her and she was still drinking. I was shocked how quickly I relapsed back into old behaviors, feelings, bad behaviors and loss of spiritual motivation. This disease is like a sleeping tiger...after a while it wakes back up and is hungry!!!
I pray you get to as many meetings as you can on a regular basis and that you find a sponsor if you already don't have one. I pray you self focus on your own spiritual recovery and build a stronger relationship with a power greater than yourself and/or your alcoholic. And I will pray for this for you because this is what saved my life.
You sound at peace with your decision. Good for you. I wish you the best of luck. I know it is early on in all of this, but I hope you can stay strong. You have set some wonderful boundaries! Keep taking care of you!
