The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just found that my daughter has a couple of duffle bags packed with her stuff, clothes, necessities, etc., upstairs in her room. She expressed the desire to move out, because she didn't like having house rules at age 18, even though she is still a senior in high school. I gave her a list of considerations, as I call them, that I expect from her since she is still a member of our household. These are not strict or ridiculous. They are simply house rules that I would expect my husband to follow, and that I would follow, out of consideration and respect for each other as a family. For example, if she goes anywhere after school without coming home, just to let me know where she is going and what time she will be home at night. Sometimes I don't hear from her til 9 or 10 pm, and I worry about her. Normally she leaves at 7 am for school, and doesn't call, come home, or in any way contact me until I call her around 6 pm or later to find out what time she'll be home. I don't think this is unreasonable. She is in between jobs right now, and doesn't know for sure when the prospective employer will schedule her, as it is a tanning salon, and is seasonal. According to her, the owner told her she will be working all days after school, as soon as business starts to pick up. That leaves us paying her car insurance and cell phone bill. She had a job as a waitress, trained and worked a couple of days, then quit. It wasn't what she wanted to do.
She has just over the weekend gotten a puppy. She did it underhandedly, from someone at the Walmart parking lot, who was giving them away. She said she wanted one now, didn't want to wait a few months til she graduates and can move out. I agreed to it, since she assured me she would take care of it, tend to it, and would walk it. She has done these things - she gets home from school, takes the dog for a walk, so she can get in some exercise herself, and then comes home, leaves it on our enclosed back porch and leaves to go to ballgames or her b/f's wrestling practices and matches. Last nite the puppy was left alone from 5 til 10 pm, without her even letting her out to pee. I did that, not knowing when she was coming home. The little thing looks in our sliding back door at me with these innocent eyes and it's gut-wrenching, so I take her out and let her play and walk her and hope she goes to the bathroom. I told my daughter last nite, you wanted a puppy, you are responsible for her. I am not available all day long to see that the pup is tended to. I don't mind taking care of it, but I didn't tell her that. I am only asking that she step up and be an adult, since that's all she is concerned about right now...me treating her like an adult.
Last nite I also made out a mock budget for her, to let her see just how expensive it is to be on her own. Insurance, cell phone, basic utilities, groceries, gas for her car, everything imaginable that she would have to pay I wrote on that budget. I told her she can live here if she lives by our house rules, and is considerate of her step-dad and me. Why is she rebelling against such a simple request? I then told her that if she didn't want to live by these house rules, then to find another place to live, that would be ok with me. She gets so damned defensive that it makes me just hate her. She is living her life around her almost 17 year old b/f, and I see her nearly throwing away her future. I know I must detach with love, and I am trying to do that. But what about her car insurance and cell phone bill that I am now paying? I can see cancelling the cell phone, but the car insurance? Then what if she gets into an accident, and has no insurance? Not to mention, the little income that will come from the job at the tanning salon, if that even comes to fruition, how's she gonna live on that?
I know, I have to let her live her life the way she wants to. But I am hurting right now, over the fact that I have to see her adult life start out this way. She keeps saying she wants to get a job that makes a lot of money, but heck, she won't even get a job or stick with one that pays above minimum wage. The waitressing job was gonna be the best so far, but she "didn't want to be in food service". And she said she doesn't want to get a job that she won't be happy at. All I can say about that is, good luck. I told her she may need to work many different jobs until she gets the one that she will stay at and make her living with.
Please pray for us, that God helps us both to see what we need to do to get through this.
Thanks for listening, and sorry it was such a long post...
My 15 year old has said she plans on dropping out of school. She talks to all her friends about it as I get asked about it quite a bit. My A said that she told her the same thing.
I've told my daughters that I'm not sure of the law in my state. If dropping out requires parental consent, I will not give it. I told her that if it does not and she does, that I will charge her room and board commenserate with the prevailing rate in my area. If she want's to quit school, I will not enable that behavior.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Sheesh!! Sounds like no fun at all. I can only tell you the rules I have set out for my son and/or what I would do. He's almost 16, but we have just bought him a car. The rules are that he get a better job then the one he has (only one day a weekend) and that he be responsible for his car insurance (about $400.00 every six mo.) and responsible for gas.. If in fact he can not make the car insurance payment or put gas in it, the car sits right where it is and he is not allowed to drive it. He gets 30 days after his birthday to get a better job. He can't really actively apply right now because many places require he be 16, but he can inquire and put his feelers out. I've made it very clear these things are his responsibility and if he doesn't have a job within the 30 days, the car sits. It makes no difference to me. He can ride the bus to school or a hitch a ride with a friend. If he doesn't get a job on time, I'll be his taxi to and from the job until he he comes up with the money (nothing new to me). I figure a car sitting in the driveway is real good insentive to do what needs to be done. IMO, as far as the puppy...I'd tell her to find it another home if she isn't going to care for it properly or insist she take it with her when she leaves. The novelty will wear off real quick..lol Since she hasn't got a job and is "waiting for business to pick up" (that could be a while), she really had no right to bring a puppy home, especially w/o asking permission. Is she buying the dog food? Cleaning up poop? She knows you aren't going to let it starve or ignore the poor thing. Leaving a pup for 5 hrs is inexcusable. Personally, I don't think she has time to wait for a job that might transpire when business picks up. She can find another while she waits. But then again, she has no reason to hurry. She's ignoring house rules She's out till 9-10 w/o calling You care for her puppy when she leaves She has a cell phone (pd for) She has a car w/insurance (pd for) getting money for gas somewhere What's the hurry? She has it made!!
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 11:51, 2006-02-01
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Teenagers aren't they wonderful?! LOL I have four sons, two now have families of their own, two still at home.
What you’re asking is just common courtesy, there is nothing wrong with that. I ask the same of my 18 yr old. He follows the rules though sometimes I can see he hates it. But if I have to run an errand after work or leave early on a Saturday morning to run errands I let people know where I am, either by calling or leaving a note. We had a room mate for 3 years and she would do the same, just to let someone know that your okay, it's just a nice thing to do.
It's hard when they are trying to come into their own, but I remind myself that I'm not being unreasonable about boundaries. I have found at times with my boys if I tell them that I need them to let me know what's going on, for my own sanity, they seem to give in more readily.
May I be brutally honest as to what i see? First I worked in the school district for 18 years and raised two kids.
I feel she is getting mixed messages. She is expect to follow the rules as an adult be responsible for herself, pay her own bills etc.
Yet she is being treated like a child when someone cleans up her messes, meaning paying her bills, taking care of her pup. (Which I am VERY upset about as i do animal rescue. Puppies are just babies with fur. PLease, please find it a HOME. If you need help ask me.)
If we want our kids to grow up to be independant, we have to allow them to fall and climb out themselves. They will never know their own strength and power if we don't.
It is not easy, but to do this, is good parenting. Is it her car? If she does not have insurance, then disable the car, simple as that. Or allow her to make her own decision and if she gets a ticket, she does. She is no longer a minor and will have to pay big time if she gets into a wreck.
I know it is serious, but I would nip it now.
Me,"Honey,I feel you want to be an adult. You are an adult, I have a lot of faith in you. so I am going to stop paying your bills." Period.
Fly my sweet one.
(c: Believe me, I was gut wrenched sending my son off with no money, nothing but his pack. He got a job just walking by a rental of tools etc. store.
He learned soooo much there, next thing I know he is a scuba diver, carpenter, mechanic and more. He is buying a house from me, about to get married and will not tak moneyf rom tme.
(c: We are so close again and he is glad I did it. My daughter has worked since she was 14 and has always been indendant.
The world is so tough, our kids have got to be strong, resourceful and self supporting to survive. To me that is my job to teach them this.
much love to you, I can tell you love her very much. And hon have faith in her. Tell her you know she can do it.
I hope this will come across as some encouragement, but if nothing else, possibly at the least a bit of experience and hope.
I too have a daughter that graduates this year but will not be 18 until July. My youngest at home is 12 and we are dealing with some issues with him and school, we are getting him some counseling and he has begun on some medication which hopefully with help him address some of the issues that are causing him stress. My eldest son would be 30, but he died after being hit by a car just before his third birthday. My other two daughters are 25 and 20.
What I have learned in setting boundaries with my children is that I got better at doing so once I had some time in Al-anon and was able to look at myself and how much of my "rules" were expectations and obsessions. After spending a lifetime staying up nights and worrying, most of the times unecessarily, about my a, I have learned that "no news is good news" and if my adult children want me to know what is going on in their lives, they will let me know.... and they usually do, whether or not I want to know (lol) like driving her friends car without a liscense or insurance. Even with my 17 year old, who is pretty well grounded in life and maintains decent grades (although could do better, but they are her grades, not mine).... we have a pretty open policy about most areas of her life. I truly believe that I had to learn to allow my children to become adults by lessening the restrictions put on them as they got older and I really can't complain. My bf tells me that I have an unusual relationship with my children... we don't struggle with each other or play tug of war about very many issues, and I truly believe that is a direct result of me working my program. My 20 year old daughter was and sometimes still is my most difficult child as she deals with ADD, as a child and continues to do so as an adult but has her own denial issues about it. What I learned with her is that my serenity was more important than flying off the handle about her "inability" to remember to pick up her clothes from the bathroom and such as that. As life tends to work out, she has moved in with a friend within the past year as her and her brother was continually butting heads (they are both ADD).... hmmmm..... and I am glad that I was able to maintain my patience and tolerance with her during the hard years. Yes, I still discussed with her things important to me that I believed would benefit her, but I also kept in mind that these things will mean something to her when she is ready to "hear" them. Today we enjoy the time we do get to spend with each other.
As far as the puppy..... you did say yes.... I know you feel that she assured you of her willingness to care for the puppy... but.... you did say yes knowing your daughter's track record of being irresponsible. My 17 year old also asked to bring home a puppy that a friend of her's paid nearly 700 dollars for but was unable to keep him..... I said yes..... sadly...... I knew that she would not be able to be his only care taker knowing her school, work, activity, church, etc. schedules... yet because my life is just as busy we now find that we are looking for a home for him.... at 7 months old he is just a bit too much for us to handle.
There were alot of years that I lost in my parenting since I was so obsessed with my alcoholic spouse and I was inconsistent with my kids during those years. Those years I can't change. I am trying a different approach with my 12 year old and will not allow him to just stop his medication as I allowed my daughter to. We grow and we learn.... the best suggestion I have ever heard was from my co sponsor after they went through some terrible years with her step son was that we need to treat our children at the age we want them to act, not the age we think they are acting. They did it with their son and he is really doing great today.
Hang in there.... I know my heart is right there wtih yah!
Single parenting is so very hard. I would not wish it on anyone –Well, maybe his Dad (he he he) my ex the A. As bad as his Dad was, when his father said something the child did it. Then again by him being absent I feel that is God’s message (for a good reason) Wow, what a mixed blessing.
I also want my son to have the childhood I didn’t have -different story though (maybe)
I may have said this before but I will repeat what was explained to me when my son turned 13 – about the behavior of teenagers: This in preparation so I am ready to send him off ‘waving and smiling’ so I am prepared for that ‘empty nest’
Thank You for posting, I will just read others responses here – as my 16yr old is being a 16 yr old at this very moment… Ha, One Day at a Time, right?
I am so glad my 3 children are "grown up" - well, past the teenage stage, at least!
I have a 13 yr old dog, my son, now 26, brought her home, under his coat, big hard luck story, puppies about to be put down, etc...... You see, we all make mistakes, I too fell for the sad face - but, I do love MY dog!
The good news is that teenagers do grow up - try to be consistent, keep expressing your love, and how proud you feel of each and every achievement.
Last thought - I would also hate to be a teenager again! All those insecurities, the crushes, the fear of rejection - youth is wasted on the young.
Lots of love, keep it in perspective, it will pass
I'm an adult and I even sag under the responsibility of two pups. I think she has to have some boundaries around the dog. If you have one you cant be off socializing till the dog is socialized and potty trained. That's a bottom line. I struggle with the responsibility of my dogs because my boyfriend does NOTHING. Like your daughter, he rescued a dog and then left it to me. He is good at sliding those boundaries. I think you are sliding the boundaries too in feeling sorry for the pup. She has to stay home and take care of it rather than be galivantering around. If she wanted one so much she has to be willing to do the work.
((((((((((Lmt)))))))))) big hug. One thing I learned is you can put a phone on "vacation" for $10.00 a month! So that will help with cancellation fees while she figures out how to pay her own cell bill :) This sounds pretty typical to me of that age. Keeping communication open is so positive if you can. Everyone raises their kids differently and I so hooked into debilyn's statement of sending mixed messages. I was a terrible mixed messager with my kids. WE are suppose to have them ready for the world by 18. I can't imagine how anyone can really do that! If a parent does than they did a pretty good job at it! I always have been a diplomatic mom and that is where open communication and mutual respect come into my value system. I can't share too much Hope since my daughter was active in her disease at that age and right when she turned 18 her druggy boyfriend literally came and took her to Seattle Washington! I had no idea she was even leaving that day! Good luck and keep us posted. cdb xoxoxoxox((((Lmt)))) miss you!
OH Boy do I know right where you are!!!! My son and his first wife got married because they were "tired of everyone telling us what to do" , yeah right. So, he learned the hard way , the way he always has. My daughter also didn't like my rules. So , she went to live with her dad, the long-haul truck driver. Well, I have an 8yr old grandson from her being by herself while dad was on the road , she was 15 when she got pregnant. But , her husband is the father of both of their kids and they've done very well considering what their ages were. He was 18. Now they're 24 and 27 and been married for 8 yrs and are doing great! But they've been thru a LOT. It sure isn't easy being a parent w/ a hubby or singlely. They are taught and then you have to let go of the apron strings and let em sink or swim and hope they swim.
I just had to give it to God and Hope for the best, because I didn't have a choice! At her age, she was old enough to pick who she lived with and he also said ok she could live there. And she knew how to take care of herself and cook and clean house and all that stuff. My son was older when he got married the first time but still didn't know much about life, he quit school when he was 3 weeks into his senior year because he turned 18 before the year started and didn't have to ask us! He was going to go 'make money'. Ha! Now he's gotten a GED and went thru policeman school (twice) because he failed the test 3 times, and now is a police officer for a town here in TX! If ya had asked me back then ............. if they'd turn out like they have now...............I'd of probably hung my head in my hands! and cried!
My son's remarried now and has a yours and mine kid situation and is learning how to live with that, and a new wife. She's older than him , and a lot more mature than his first one thank God. Now I'm getting into grandkids!!! The boy will be 8 feb. 27th and my son's girl is 7yrs old, and the boy's sister is 3yrs old and my step-granddaughter is 11yrs old. And I just pray that they turn out all right with HP's help.
Don't know if this helped , just wanted you to know you're not alone ! Many of us have been there , done that. Some things worked and some didn't. Give it to Hp and know it will eventually work out His way! If you saw a picture of me with natural hair color, where do you think I got all the gray? KIDS!
