The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I attended my first F2F meeting last night. It was a little strange. I liked it though. I didn't talk. I was feeling shy. The thing that surprised me was that everyone was talking about themselves. No one mentioned their A. Not once. So that got me a little confused. It seemed like it was more about helping with one's self-esteem. I really don't feel that I have low self-esteem. I used to, but oddly enough, my A has given me a lot more confidence as, apart from being an A, he is a great boyfriend. What I need is to become less enmeshed. Less co-dependant. I want to learn how to distance myself when I need to and understand that it is the disease talking. I can't do that yet. I am going to try some other meetings and see what I like best. The literature for the beginners that they gave out seemed to answer a lot more of my questions. (What do I do? How do I help me without hurting him?) And made me see where I was contributing to the problem, even when I thought I was helping.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
paintthinnr wrote: ; It seemed like it was more about helping with one's self-esteem. I really don't feel that I have low self-esteem. I used to, but oddly enough, my A has given me a lot more confidence as, apart from being an A, he is a great boyfriend. What I need is to become less enmeshed. Less co-dependant. I want to learn how to distance myself when I need to and understand that it is the disease talking. hurting him?) And made me see where I was contributing to the problem, even when I thought I was helping.
I used to think I had high self-esteem as well. What I had was 'other-esteem'. I just made that term up. You speak of being emeshed. You can not become emeshed when your esteem is derived from them. Being the great codie, rescuer, fixer I am, imagine how my esteem felt when I couldn't fix or rescue them from this disease?
Have you gottan any books yet? From Courage to Change Jan 9 "...We all need an occasional pat on the back. But when the applause of others becomes the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, then I have given them power over me...."
We have a saying in umpiring. If you believe them when they say you had a great game, you have to believe them when they say you suck. I know that I went out there and gave the game my all and that I know more about umpiring than they do. I'm walking off that field content.
I confused my self-esteem w/ my martydom and resentfulness. I must have high self esteem because look how pissed off I am that I'm not getting treated they way I want and deserve. The problem was, after really digging, I let them dump on me. How much self-esteem did I have as a doormat?
Bob
ps- had to edit my post. How could I forget to congratulate you for making your first meeting ! CONGRATS ! :)
-- Edited by bobump at 11:07, 2006-02-01
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
We all need an occasional pat on the back. But when the applause of others becomes the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, then I have given them power over me...."
Just to give you some insight into how right on you are: I am an actress. talk about the need for applause from others!
I guess I just feel that my self-esteem has improved a lot over the past few years. When I met my A, I was in and out of the hospital with anorexia so bad that they really didn't think I would make it. I hated myself with a passion so great, it was almost what I did for a living. To come to the point where I can say I am okay with who I am, and actually think I am a good person is a huge step for me. So maybe "other-esteem" is right.
I do want to get some books, but I am not sure what to get.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
I have found in the last year, thinking that I too had high self esteem, but my life had become so involved in my A's life that I really had no life at all. LOL Everyone around me would say OMG you are such a strong person. However, I read a book called "we are what we say" then started searching the net and guess what, I was saying stuff in my head all the time that was making me feel less and less sure of who I was, what I wanted in life, where I want to be in 5 or 10 years. I have become so empowered by what I have learned. I knew I was good at setting boundaries, for my employer, co-workers, my children, my friends, but not with my spouse. I had never really noticed before. Do some reading. I posted on here one time and someone responded with how many times (it was like 15) I mentioned my A. I was caught off guard one time when a friend asked....(he's a counselor) "how are you?" I talked about my A, our arguments, my children, the impending birth of my first grandchild. He looked at me and said very gently..."but how are YOU doing" OMG I hadn't even noticed how much I did this. My life at that time was a reflection of of everyone else's life around me. Hope some of this helps.
you mentioned books in one of your posts-I can recommend Codependent No More, I believe the author is Melodie Beattie. I don't really remember if that author is correct I may have it confused, but several others here know this book and they may correct me if I'm wrong.
Congrats on going to your first meeting. And you are right you have made strides in your self esteem!!!! You should be proud of you! But there may still be strides that you need to make.
Good luck to you. I hope you find a meeting that you are comfortable with! Keep coming back here and to f2f meetings.
Hello Paint, sounds like u found a good meeting first time around . We only talk about the A insofar as how his behavior affects us. You wil find as u go back alot of things tht u can relate too . Next time concentrate on the feelings not the differences between you . Al-Anon is for you to help u get your life back on track and finally understand that you cannot control the behavior of other people the only person u can change is you and your attitude about what is going on around you. Keep going back Louise
Glad you posted again - I wondered how you were getting on.
The first meeting can be so confusing - often, people come to it thinking they will learn how to help their A drink "like a gentleman" (as one person told me!) lol.
Alanon is for us - when we find some recovery, everything else improves, try to make 6 meetings before you decide.
Courage to Change is a great book - it is a daily reader, so, just one page, you dont have to take in loads of info, good when your life is perplexing. Also, the little card Just For Today - I used to look at that several times a day, it has helped me on so many occasions.
This is just my opinion, but, although the Co-Dependent No More (Melanie Beattie, I think), is a very good book, a best seller even, I would stick to Conference Approved Literature for now, that way, you are giving the program a chance. Also, CAL can be bought at most meetings - big plus for me - I hate to wait once I discover something!
Hello, I'm probably biased, but I think face to face meetings are the real thing. We can let things out online, but it doesn't seem as real as face to face. Usually the meetings will remind you to find a meeting that feels right to you. So it will probably be a good thing to check out some others. People rarely talk about the A in the face to face meetings I go to, and that seems to be a measure of the health of a meeting. Alanon is about US, not THEM! I go to one meeting a week that is my home meeting. Then I read and/or write some every day. And I sponsor one person and I have a sponsor of my own. I use this website as a resource, a way to keep me connected. There is nothing like the "magic" of a "real" meeting, in my opinion. I think it has to do with the Steps and the Principles and with the way meetings are run. They are set up to be a safe place for us to be as real as we can be. It also has to do with the HP! I dont even know if I have any alcoholics in my immediate life right now, this is all for me! And that's what I've learned about the program. I found, too, that I THOUGHT I had good self esteem when I came to Alanon. That was because I was smart, capable, and because I was the responsible one in the family. So people looked to me to be the cool headed one who could carry them through a crisis. But that is not self esteem. You are on the right track, and I'm grateful to you for being here, and I'm also happy that you have found the program. Good luck on this amazing journey! Blessings, mebjk
